See you in Hell, Johnny Reb...

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60th Entry? Maybe?

    You know what I've really been getting into lately?

    Pandora.com

    And Sonnets.  Mostly Shakespearean.

I love to eat cold applesauce in June.

It makes me feel the world is well and right.

Whene're I reach the end it is too soon

And I, a lonely girl, would rue the sight.

You see, the applesauce is not what's there

But what it represents. I wish I could

Return to when my life was bold and fair

And simple. Though I know that all this soot

Was made for me, I still wish I could leave,

Hop o'er the wall and make a great escape.

And so I eat my applesauce, and grieve

The loss of innocence. Despair, take shape

But know that my heart still will beat through you

And overcome, like sunlight does the dew.

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Sprezzatura

    I realized a lot of things today about me, my faith, my relationships, my family, my friends...Wow, and it's only 2:00 on Sunday.  What will the rest of the week bring?

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Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture...

    This is going to be an awkward entry for me to write, and if anyone reads this outside of my family, it's going to be very awkward for them to read as well.

    Last Friday, I came down the respiratory flu.  I don't know that I've ever had it before, because I didn't recognize it.  It felt like the worst cold I've ever had in my life, to put it succinctly.  I still have it and am only praying now that it goes away before the weekend, though that looks improbable at best.  

    Anyway, this week had been a struggle.  There were times on Monday and Tuesday, when I was staying home from classes, hanging out in my bed all day, unable to get up, to see anyone but my poor roommate and the nice Health Service lady, that I was almost sure I was never going to get better and I was going to die like that.  Now, that was mostly because I didn't get any sleep between Saturday night and Tuesday afternoon and so I was more emotional than usual.  

    On those days, I was in touch with my mother pretty much more than I have been all year at school (a fact I'm not exactly proud of.)  I called her a couple times, was texting her pretty much all day, and was thinking about her constantly.  In fact, at one point, I was crying from exhaustion and frustration, and I kept calling "Mommy!  Mommy!"  

    Seriously.  I'm 19 years old.  But whatever; I wanted my mommy.

    I went back to class yesterday and today, and especially after Philosophy today, I realized that my life will never go back even to what it was last summer.  I'll never be in that blissfully dependent stage of life where I can count on someone else to provide for me, to make decisions for me, to take complete care of me.  Not only that, but as few as the times were before, the Saturday evenings I can spend watching movies with my mom, the Sunday mornings I can wake up and go downstairs to help my mom put the groceries away, they're dwindling in number.  I mean, the weekdays where I can come home from school and sit around telling my mom about my day over a glass of OJ and a box of Cheez-its (of which I ate too many while I was sick anyway) are completely over.  I'll never get those opportunities back.  

    I liked those times.  I don't think I told my mom enough how much I liked/like spending time with her.  How, even though there were a lot of times I had other places I would rather be, other people I would rather have been hanging out with, there really was no one else in my life like her.  No one who could have replaced her.  No one I loved or who loved me in quite the same way.  

    It's March.  In a little over two months, I'll be home for the summer.  I'll go back to working at Subway (hopefully...) and maybe taking some summer classes.  I might be a counsellor at a camp, I might visit friends from school over the weekends sometimes.  I can bet almost anything that I'll all but forget this week and how much, in these moments, I wanted my mommy.  I'll forget this disappointment I have now that I don't have her with me now, that I can't have her like I used to ever again.  The Peter Pan in me will die before I get to May, and I'll again be looking forward to grown-up things, like buying a car, like getting a degree, like moving out, getting a job, living overseas, starting a family, etcetera.  

    But right now, the prospect of spending weekends once again with a bowl of popcorn, the television, and, most importantly, my mommy is the only thing getting me through this disappointment of a week.  The fact that, in two weeks, I'll be home again for a little respite, and then after that, it's just a little while longer before I get to try to pretend to be a kid again.

    Basically, all I wanted to say with this, is I love you Mom.  I miss you too.  And I wish you were here.

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