And I say way-hey-hey it's just an ordinary day...

    This is odd what I'm doing right now.  It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside. 

    You see, it's really February 16th in 2009.  I don't know if I even write in this blog anymore.  I mean, in 2012.  In May.  All I know is that, if my life continues on the path it's on now, I should have just finished my senior year at Calvin College, hopefully with a graduation.  But that's up in the air.  And, honestly, I don't care too much.  If I have to go back for another year, so be it.

    The following is a time capsule of my life thus far.

Name: Mary

Nick Names: Mamma Bird, Teragram, Heelz, Marizzle, Roomizzle...

Age: 19 1/6

Current Favorite's Playlist Includes:

Supermassive Black Hole

City of Delusion

The Winner Takes it All

You Know I Will

Ordinary Day

Wolf & Raven

We Don't Need Another Hero

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? I want to be reading Brave New World.  That's what I'm going to read in my oodles of free time...Other than that, I'm reading Plato's Republic, and "Sir Gawain and the Green Knight."  In fact, I'm supposed to be reading that right now, but instead I'm blogging.

WHAT TIME IS IT NOW? 3:56 pm, Eastern Standard Time

WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I don't use one.  The one that I don't use that I keep in my desk is covered in a black and white tessellation

FAVOURITE BOARD GAME? I haven't played it in a long time, but The Hobbit, or Clue.

FAVOURITE MAGAZINE? I don't really read those.  My Poli-Sci text book looks like a magazine, but I don't read it either.

BABIES? My puppies Star and Fudge.  Oh, I miss dem sooo much.

FAVOURITE SMELL? Ha, Head and Shoulders Citrus Blast.  That answer might look weird in three years.

WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? That pit of your stomach feeling that hurts a lot and either means longing or regret.

FIRST THING YOU THINK OF IN THE MORNING? Snoooooze, baby.

HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? Usually four or five.

FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? Boy - Liam or Corey or Ewan or Wyatt or Aaron.  Girl - I'm still working on it, but perhaps Ainsley.

FAVOURITE COLOUR? More like a color scheme, and that would be anything with blues and greens and blue greens.

WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE? Ideally it is establishing a rhythm and staying true to my goal priorities.  However, if I were to speak truthfully, I would say my boyfriend.

FAVOURITE FOOD! It's sad, but Grilled Cheese from Knollcrest Dining hall always makes my day beautiful.

IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Saxophone.  Again.  In my high school's Wind Symphony.  I miss that so much.

DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? Only a little.  I'm usually perfectly happy with a mere five over.

SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? If I weren't afraid of throwing it off my bed and suffocating my roommate.  That's entirely too possible at this juncture.  But it would be my Eeyore or Horsey.

WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? It wasn't mine per se, but it was a Toyota Camry.

WHO IS THE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO?  My grandfather, my mom's dad.  I don't remember him very well, but I want to get to know him more.  Either that or Alexander Stracken from the first grade.

FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Bloody Mary.  I obviously don't drink too often.

DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? Yes.  Is that avoidable?

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE? A writer and a mother.  Which is incredibly ironic, because I can't imagine myself with children.  But not having to go into work would be awesome.  Teaching won't be such a bad compromise, I think.

EVER BEEN IN LOVE? I am right now :D

GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? Full, my friend.  Always.

FAVOURITE MOVIE? Moulin Rouge, The Dark Knight, The Mission, Stardust, Lord of the Rings, oh my, there are so many.

DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? Dude, my QWERTY wpm is over 120.  Eat that.

WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? Genevieve.  She's napping.

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST AMBITION? I don't know about ambition, but I have a dream to teach English in Germany...maybe.  If this German Minor thing pans out.

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS? I have a hard time believing what people say about me, unless of course it's bad.  I don't know if that's a self-esteem issue, or a selfish thing...

IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE WHERE WOULD IT BE? Either Ireland or New Zealand.  Would I hope to live in that house all the time once I am out of college?  Only if it were in Ireland and Ben could come with me.  Otherwise it would just be a summer home or something.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? I just got this awesome shirt that says "How to Break Dance" and it's really comfortable and funny.  So maybe that.  But I also love my Calvin sweats and this black shirt I got at Old Navy.

BEACH, MOUNTAINS OR CITY? Mountains.  Or Beach.  Or City.  Crap.  Okay, right now, if I had to pick, I'd pick Beach, even if it had snow on it.   But in general, I love them all.

TECHNOLOGY OR ART? Art.  Fo shizz.

COMEDY OR HORROR? Depends on the further subcategories.  For instance, I'd never pick Dumb and Dumber over Ghost in the Darkness, but Stranger than Fiction is almost always better than 28 Days Later.

FAVOURITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? Probably the shoulders, forearms, and eyes.

FAVOURITE TIME OF DAY? Lunch time on MWF because there's a short little break where I don't have to do homework.  There aren't any real obligations for a whole hour.  Other than that, probably around 5:00.  I just like it.

THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? Sonata Arctica's "Unia"

WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED? Upper Back.  Oh, I could use one of those right now.

WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY? Mind.  If I were trying to be strong in body, I'd be quite the failure.

WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? 9:00 during the week.  Whenever I decide to on the weekends.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE KITCHEN ITEM? Toaster Oven!  I never noticed how much better it is than a toaster until I came to college and had to cook my bagel pizza in the microwave....

WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY? Unhealthily stubborn people.

WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV? SUV.  But I don't particularly like either of them.  I'd much rather have a cute compact.  Yes, that's right, Cute.  I'd name him Corey.  Unless she were a Prius.  Then it's either Silas, Sirius, Beowulf, Chaucer, or Ginny.  I know, I know, only one of those is a girl's name...

DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE? Yes I do.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SEASON? Autumn, I'm pretty sure.  But I love Spring too.

IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT
BE? The ability to turn invisible whenever I wanted.  Or the ability to write real good.

DO YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT? I do.  It's "all in" between to spades with crosses in them on the inside of my ankle.

CAN YOU JUGGLE? Only two things.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE DAY? Friday.  It's spectacular.  No obligation to do homework, and open house hours until 1:00!  Yah-heah!

WHICH DO YOU PREFER SUSHI OR HAMBURGER? Sushi, but that doesn't mean much, considering I don't eat red meat.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE SOAP? My Ruby Guava shower gel, but that's not soap.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE MEAL? Grilled Cheese and tomato soup!  Hooray!

IF YOU COULD TAKE A VACATION ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD
WHERE WOULD IT BE? Ireland or Scotland.  Or Germany would work too, I guess.

I wonder how much I've changed...

<3 spadeALLcross

Random things in my life right now...

I spent most of this weekend home alone.  My house was quiet, empty, and I was happy with that.  I haven't spent much time alone--like where I felt like I was alone all around me, like no matter what I did, no one would get in the way.  It's not like the people in my life often get in my way, but it was a novel feeling, and I'm not even sure when the last time I felt like that was.  It could have been painful or lonely or any number of other unpleasantnesses, but it was welcome this weekend.

***

In procrastinating writing a couple papers, I came across this thing I wrote in a letter to someone once.  It resonated with me and I wanted to share it with you.

I remember when I would have a bad dream at night, I would be too scared to get up and go to my mom, because I’m deathly afraid of the dark.  You probably know this…  So anyway, I’d yell for her, “Mom!  Mommy!  Mahhhhhhm!” and I’d hear her hurried footsteps, and I’d just pray over and over again that the monster or burglar or maniac killer wouldn’t jump into my room and close the door before she could get there.  I never realized that, if any of those things was lurking outside my room, she would fall prey just as much as I would.  I just thought she was too strong for them, that they would be scared of her immense power.  
My mom always seemed powerful to me.  She was above everything.  And she would come in and take me out of my crib and sit with me on the couch that was in my room and we’d point out pictures in the shadows on the wall cast by the streetlight outside my room, or by the cars as they drove by.  And when I was older she would come in and sit on my bed, and if I was really frightened, she would hold me as I cried and then sometimes I would ask her to sleep in my bed with me so if I had another bad dream she could be there right away.  And I always fell asleep and stayed asleep after that, and then I’d wake up in the morning and she’d be gone.

***


My sister wrote me on Friday.  I haven't written her back yet.  But I intend to soon.  I like our pen-pal-ship.  I'm happy it's still afloat (badumchhh).


On her blog, she wrote this.  It resonated with me, too.



 I tried to remind myself this morning that God told the world that he was pleased with his son without him even having to do anything. I couldn’t seem to remember that it also applies to me. I don’t have to do anything to earn God’s love. I don’t have to do anything at all to be the apple of his eye.
I am who God has made to me to be. It is not so far away.


***


On Thursday night, Ben and I stayed up late watching Star Trek: Voyager and making granola.  I spilled oil on a chair in his dining room and he put more honey in than he wanted to.  Now I'm sitting with my bowl of that granola on my lap...and the raisins keep rolling around and look like bugs out of the corner of my eye.  But I love the granola and the making-of-it experience anyway.


That's my life right now...this moment anyway.


Hope yours is swell!


<3 spadeALLcross

Coming Soon to an Internet Browser Near You

I'm going to quickly jot down a few ideas for winter-break posts so I don't forget them.

- Summation of NaNoWriMo Experience
- Book Review of Machine of Death
- Year in Review (? this is very iffy, as I'm not a huge fan of writing them, and I don't know that anyone actually reads them)
- Summation of my birthday experience
- Freak-out session about the coming Spring Semester
- rant about Hipsters

Stay Tuned!

<3 spadeALLcross

Word of the Week: Penultimate

I've seen this word around more often, I think, than I've ever seen it before...considering I don't think I've ever seen it before.  It was on the NaNoWriMo homepage this week, as this is the fourth and last full week of the month of reckless noveling abandon.  It was on a friend's blog in reference to the release of the seventh Harry Potter movie into theaters last weekend.

And it was in my life, as this is the penultimate semester before I finally venture across the pond to Europe.

And as I wrote the penultimate essays for many of my classes that require gigantor final essays.

And as fall made its penultimate attempt to stay alive yesterday, before finally giving way to freezing temperatures and a snowy forecast for today and tomorrow.

I actually have no idea if I used "penultimate" correctly in any of those contexts, as I haven't yet bothered to look up its exact definition and am relying entirely on context clues, which are sketchy at best in this situation.

Forgive me.  It was so delicious, so sweet, and so...long.  And I am sesquipedalian in nature.

Tune in next week for: Sesquipedalian, and oldie, but a goodie.

<3 spadeALLcross

EDIT: "penultimate" means "second to last."  So I was wrong.  Quite wrong.  About all of this.

NaNo Badges

Introducing...*drum roll*...

NaNoWriMo Merit Badges!

*tada*

I bought these a little while ago and have already earned some for my novel.  I pinned them all to my wrist warmers (because I generally wear those when I type on my computer, and I like to think that their presence adds good energies to my writing) and have been taking them off and pinning them to my purse as I earn them.

NaNo-Socializing:  I earned this before NaNoWriMo even began when I attended the Ottowa County/Grand Rapids regional NaNoWriMo kick-off party in Holland (the Michigan one, not the Europe one).  It was so much fun to meet other people who were going to be spending their November the same way I am. I earned the badge again when last Friday when I attended an East Grand Rapids write-in with three other writers and a NaNo-mom.  Also a really good time.  I'm excited for the next one.

Padding the Word Count:  I've already earned this badge a couple times by adding unnecessary elements, such as essays and short stories that I wrote for my classes, to my novel to boost my word count on especially imagination-starved days.  The first instance of this is still my favorite example of "word padding" thus far: when my main[ish] character Agatha, who is about as promiscuous as Marian the Librarian, danced around her apartment in her underwear to the song "Take it Off" by Ke$ha.  I included all the lyrics.  Every last word.

Secret Novelist:  I earned this badge by working on my novel during biology class.  It was a lot easier than you think, and probably had fewer consequences than you would expect.  We were watching a movie on industrialized farming in the United States, so I just pulled out my laptop and started typing.  During one of the scenes I wrote during those two hours, Agatha went on a rant about vegetarian sustainability.  And we just took the test on the unit, and I felt very comfortable with the material that was covered in that movie, even without having watched it.

Master Procrastinator:  I earned this badge last Thursday when, after classes ended at 1:30, I went on a 2.5 hour Meijer trip, made dinner for four people, served an unnecessary dessert of cinnamon rolls, and cleaned the bathtub drain before finally starting on my novel at 7:45.

Life-imitating Art: This one came when, strapped for ideas for characters, I constructed one out of the worst parts of me and all of my high school and college friends.

Ohgodohgodwe'reallgonnadie...

I think I'm procrastinating going to sleep for some reason, because I keep finding stupid reasons to stay awake...not that this blog is a "stupid reason," per se, but...yeah, I'm going to regret it tomorrow when I have to watch my niece all day. But anyway, on with it.

I was just reading through my friend, Molly's blog, and I got kind of jealous that she could account for every day that had passed since she had started her blog. So, new year's resolution. In July. Again. We've got to stop meeting like this, honey. But now, I'm going to be one of those bloggers and post every day, telling whoever's listening everything that I did that day. I'm tired of my days getting away from me. So there. Take that, laziness.

Today was...an unproductive day. Good way to start out.

I had plans for today. I was going to clean up my room a bit, write an email for Dennis, help my mom clean up RC's room for Dennis, make a scavenger hunt for Dennis' birthday present, make dinner, and look for used cars.

Of that list, I did make dinner, and I did find some good used cars that I could probably afford. But nothing else. In all fairness, I started the day by looking through my finances to figure out how cheap my car has to be...and that just got me downright depressed. In three short years, I'm not going to have a single penny to my name. I'm really lucky in that I won't have negative pennies to my name, and I'm not complaining or anything, but thinking about my future always scares me.

So I watched Dr. Who in order to cool down. Why? I have no idea. I don't even like that show. But it worked. It took my mind off things. Off all things. And I didn't get anything done the rest of the day until dinner time.

Then I went to Cari's and was semi-productive, helping her rip wallpaper down off her kitchen walls. Not mine, but someone's work got done, anyway.

Tomorrow's list -

Watch Annabelle...all day.

During Annabelle's nap, organize my room some more to prepare to rearrange some stuff that night.

Read Dune

Read She's Come Undone.

<3 spadeALLcross

Jumping on the Neologism Train

Ironically, Malamanteau was deleted from Wikipedia this morning at...well, actually, the time is debatable.

Now all anyone will ever know about the Malamanteau entry is what Randal Munroe wrote in his comic. That's...kind of sad. And, as someone else from the Grand Rapids area put it, it's ironic that, just as the article gets famous enough to deserve a wikipedia page, it gets its page taken away.

However, to conspiracy theorists who seem to think Wikipedia is going rogue and getting all censorshippy on us, let's please remember Jimmy Wales, and how dedicated he is to the democracy of the internet and not start needlessly boycotting, mkay?

Danke.

<3 spadeALLcross

The same blood flows through my veins...the same weakness...

    This may be a mistake, writing what I'm about to write all over the interwebs, since there are a few people I would rather not happen upon it who might.  However, there are a few people I want to have read it, and the other people might forgive me, plus I want to remember it myself and I don't keep any other journal.  So...if you end up wondering why I wrote this, here is a summary of my motivations/thought processes.

    As the people who know me at all will probably know, I've been in a relationship for eight [plus] months with one of the people listed on this webpage.  We're quite content, and there're really no complaints coming at least from me, and I'm pretty sure he's reasonably happy as well.  

    As the people who have attended college will know, there is generally something called a "freshman frenzy" in the first month of classes where everyone is scrambling to get into a relationship, since there is all this fresh material within range.

    As everyone reading this blog will know, I am not a freshman.  So no problem, right?  I have no need, hormonal, emotional, or physical for a frenzy of any kind, yes?

   No.  Wrong.  This kind of romantic fervor is not only contagious, it's actually a bit desirable.  I remember back to that time of my own freshman year: it was exciting to be single and, for once in my life, to not be able to pass off every potential guy as a been-there-done-that event.  Not only that, but once my significant other and I did start taking an active interest in each other, practically closing other doors, that relationship was all new and every action had that new-experience-smell.  

    I can't seem to stop myself from being at least a little jealous of single people.  I'm watching as one of my best guy friends is finding happiness in the beautiful green eyes of a Dutch-Canadian history major, and though I certainly don't oppose anything about either of them, it kind of hurts in a way.  I can't be a part of that.  (I can't decide which hurts more; that there's a part of his life which I'm cut off from,  or a part of college life in general that's no longer open to me.)

    Now, rationally, I know that none of this has any real bearing on anything.  As I said, I've got rhythm, I've got music, and I've got no plan to ditch all of that simply because the unknown is fun.  

    But emotionally, it's making me anxious.  In the lunch line today, I struck up a very random conversation with the guy standing in front of me just to pass the time and be friendly.  It couldn't have lasted more than three minutes before we split up to do/eat our own things, and I was under the impression that it was just a conversation.  (Maybe if I had known beforehand that he was a freshman, I would have thought differently?)  But at the end of it, when we were about to go our separate ways, he asked me for my name.  I told him.  I asked him his.  It was Ben.  And that's when a little bug hatched the eggs in my brain that led to this post: had I just accidently flirted with this guy?  If so, can I honestly say it was an accident?  Can I honestly say I didn't want to?  And if I can't, is that really a bad thing?  I'm guessing it's not abnormal, but does that make it okay?

    And there is more.  Because the memory of the confusion this conversation spawned will further complicate my interactions with all people of the opposite sex.  I will always be a little more conscious of the fact that this guy, whatever guy it is, may want more from me than I want from him.  Or maybe I'll temporarily want exactly the same thing he wants, but I'll worry about whether that's more than I should want.  

    And this is the thought process that has completely encompassed the past two hours of my life.  Thanks, world.  You're awesome.  I could have been doing something productive.

    Meh, whatever.  What else is college for?

<3 spadeALLcross

Day of Momentous Days!

    Why is everyone making a big deal about 09/09/09?  Last year, it was August 8th, next year it will be October 10th...Sure, these particular parings of numerals won't happen for another thousand years, but, and forgive me here, so what?  When you're old and gray, are you really going to tell your children, "I lived through the great 01/01/01 - 12/12/12 era of recorded history"?  For your sake, I hope you don't, because you will most likely be disappointed by their apathetic reactions.

    Just a thought for the day.

    I started classes yesterday.  I can already tell it's going to be a challenge to get back into the required studiousness of my schedule.  I'm finding myself procrastinating the dumbest things; like right now I really should be reading this two-second pamphlet about C.S. Lewis and his opinions on novels.  I really like C.S. Lewis, I have very little to occupy my time for the next 45 minutes before I have to leave for my next class, and very little elsewhen time with which to get it done before class tomorrow.  But if I have to do it, I automatically don't want to, and if I don't want to, then by golly I'm not going to.  And that's final.

    Happy Day of Momentous Days.

<3 spadeALLcross

60th Entry? Maybe?

    You know what I've really been getting into lately?

    Pandora.com

    And Sonnets.  Mostly Shakespearean.

I love to eat cold applesauce in June.

It makes me feel the world is well and right.

Whene're I reach the end it is too soon

And I, a lonely girl, would rue the sight.

You see, the applesauce is not what's there

But what it represents. I wish I could

Return to when my life was bold and fair

And simple. Though I know that all this soot

Was made for me, I still wish I could leave,

Hop o'er the wall and make a great escape.

And so I eat my applesauce, and grieve

The loss of innocence. Despair, take shape

But know that my heart still will beat through you

And overcome, like sunlight does the dew.

<3 spadeALLcross

Hey! Hier Kommt Alex!

    This is the first entry I've done at night in a long time.

    It was very blustery weather today.

    I got a twitter this week to keep up with my best friend who's in college two states over.

    My boyfriend and I speak German to each other.  My sentences are generally longer than his, and they stay German for longer.

    My English Lit professor handed out scholastic book orders today in class.  Blast from the past, yo.  Why do little kids get to get their books so cheap?

    While reading Chaucer, my friend Jonas (his real name is Luke...) and I broke off into a long discussion about the amazingness of Lord of the Rings.  Evidently, we both fantasized in our youth about building and living in a Hobbit hole.  And evidently neither of us has really given up that dream quite yet.

    I was so excited that ate too many grilled cheeses this week on Grilled Cheese day.  Whoops.

    "The Office" is a rerun this week.  There go the two things I was looking forward to...

    I decided a couple ideals I have about my potential someday children and how I'm going to raise them.  Now I'm kind of tempted to have children.  That is exceptionally selfish of me, I know, that I want to have children just so I can name them and read to them in Middle English.  But so what.  They'll thank me later.

    I think I may want to write young-adult books for a living.  I'd never cut it as an adult writer, and I love the idea of infecting young minds with a love of literature...

    The song from where this entry gets its name is based on a book that involves machinery and colors... Can you figure out what?

<3 spadeALLcross

Say those words as much as you want but you need me like I need you.

Happy

50th 

Post!

    And happy Monday....

    Though both are lame reasons to celebrate, one is still less enthusiastic than the other.  Can you guess which?

    Yesterday I went to New Life Christian Fellowship for church.  It was an incredible experience, but I don't think I want to go there again.  It was very different from what I'm used to in a church.  They are non-denominational and charismatic, and they have an interesting set up for their services.  The one yesterday was 2 hours long (and none of the regulars seemed too restless, so I'm pretty sure they are generally that length) the first hour being worship and healing and the second being a sermon-type object.  

    The worship was very individualistic.  Some people grabbed these flag, banner things and stood around the room waving them at their leisure.  Some people were dancing and flailing themselves around, some people were kneeling, some were sitting, some were standing.  There were only four or so songs sung, but as I said, the worship was half of the service.  At one point, a woman from the makeshift choir went up to the microphone and shared a prophecy she had had about freeing people from their cages of worship and then she prayed over everyone in the audience who felt the trappedness she described.

    The sermon was about climbing mountains of culture and exerting control over a sphere of influence for God's glory.  There was very little scripture mentioned, and certainly none that really drove the meaning, which is what I am used to.  The pastor mentioned the cage prophecy again, and then at the end, a woman gave a testimony about how the cage prophecy and the sermon applied to her life.  And then when the pastor finished the prayer and told us to go in peace, only my boyfriend and I left.  Everyone else just sat there...

    The reason I thought this was such an incredible experience is that it made me start to think.  Why do I have such a problem taking these people seriously?  Is my faith second to my logic?  I mean, I know I have issue with people who say that, if someone dies young or of a disease, it was because they did not have enough faith.  But the whole service caught me off guard.  I wonder if there's not some happy medium God wants us to reach, somewhere between scriptureless faith and faithless scripture, between charismatics and intellectualists.  I believe in the miracles of God, but do I trust that they will happen?

Anyway, just pondering, and putting off writing my paper.

<3>spadeALLcross

Try to forgive, teach me to live, give me the strength to try...

    I can't help but be moved by music, no matter how controversial.   I respect Paul Robeson and of course I condone his changing the lyrics, but I still love "Heart gets weary and sick of trying/ tired of living and scared of dying/  But old man River, he just keeps rolling along."  It feels wrong to like that version, which is sad.  But I think it symbolizes a lot of people's problems with life's struggles, not just the stereotypical "lazy black man."

   And it symbolizes kind of what my research papers are making me feel like right now...

<3 spadeALLcross

Shh! I'm at the library right now!

<3 spadeALLcross

Past the point of no return, the final threshold, what warm, unspoken secrets will we learn?

    I can no longer delude myself into believing that it's fall, as the ground is playing hide-and-seek under a threadbare doily of snow.

    Enjoy the tree.

<3 spadeALLcross

And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...

    Part of me really hates that I just quoted Twilight as a blog post title...

    You know, relationships are weird.  If you think about it, when you define a relationship, you're giving that person a conditional definition.  "Cari's my best friend," "Dennis is my brother," "Reggie is my iPod."  It's a precarious and potentially temporary definition, in some cases.  I mean, with Cari, she's my best friend whether she returns the favor or not, and Dennis can't just up and stop being my brother.  But what about something like "Hannah is the person who drives me to Meijer when I run out of cream cheese"?  All it takes is one Meijer trip Hannah refuses to take me on, all it takes is one "No thanks; you're walking this time" and our relationship changes.  

    Defining people is a risky business, and sometimes is utterly unimportant and means nothing.  

    So why do we so often feel like we need to do it?

<3 spadeALLcross

Slight downturn...

    Yesterday I had a lapse in judgement. But it's okay. I'm rectifying it by blogging now instead of homeworking...yeah. Definitely.

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What to do when CTRL+C is CTRL+J and CTRL+I copies things...

    Dvorak.  Typing at the speed of sound.  

    But you have to be good at it first.

    I have a 110 wpm on QWERTY, and about a 6 wpm on this, so I'm quickly losing patience and energy.  

<3 spadeALLcross

Mawage. Mawage is wut bwings us toogedda toodeh.

Mawage, dat bwess'ed awaingment.  Dat dweem wiffin ah dweem...

    Oddly, it seems to be in the air today.  Someone is theming my days without my permission.  This morning, I woke up having had a dream that someone I knew was emancipated from their parents or something and had decided that they would get married just because they could.  It was an odd dream in and of itself, certainly, but not one of much consequence when compared with the other formidable dreams I've had.  (You, my loyal readers, would know better than any.)  But when matched with the happenings of today, it seems wholly prophetic, like my subconscious had had some discussion with The Fates about my coming day.  

    At lunch, as a floor we began to explore the possibilities of all of us entering into legal marriages together so that we could get financial aid from the government.  The idea has been tossed around quite a bit before, but this day we got very heavily into the conversation and some details have been etched more clearly, such as what kind of legal marriages we'd have (secret?  civil?  legal unions?  Hmm.  The possibilities seem nigh endless.)

    The juniors and seniors got marriage counseling postcards in the mail today.

    One of my friends confessed to me that what she really wants to be is a happy wife and mother.

    I got into a discussion regarding "pearling" (essentially the same as exchanging promise rings, but with probably more sincerity attached) with one of my friends from high school.  I discovered later that "pearling" was a strictly Calvin expression, thus the reason my friend had not heard of it.

    Someone asked me what my Claddagh meant and why I wear it on my left hand, as if to symbolize that I am engaged.

    The frightening thought has finally occurred to me: I'm at that age now where friends all around me are going to start to get married.  Yes, it will be a long phase, probably lasting several years, but I don't think the shock will ever go away.

<3 spadeALLcross

"Call me up before you're dead: we can make some plans instead."

10:30

    After eighteen years of struggle, stooping over a hot blow dryer, flat iron, curling iron, and table filled with a myriad of hair products, after eighteen years of disappointment on picture day, of looks of resignation at the mirror, of avoiding photographs, video cameras, and really fast painters, my hair has finally bended to my will and does what I want it to do on cue.

    And I emptied three years worth of my life out of my car this morning, fitting it all into a time capsule marked "For my Someday Car."  

    What do they call it when everything intersects?

12:51

Nuff said.

13:39

    Just got done packing up all my...stuff into boxes and Tetris-ing it into the smallest possible corner of my basement.  Well dang, I hope it all fits. 

    Now to attack my bedroom and all my clothes and such together.  Guess I'm going to go the rest of the weekend naked?  Whatever, I'm a Saggitarius; nakedness is expected of us.

14:55

    Is it seriously still saturday?

14:59

    I wonder what kind of person I would be if I had been born elsewhen than when I was.  My current ponder is the Pre-Victorian Era (does that have its own name?).  I can't stand most [fictional] women I read about who are set in that time period because they're simply so fake and obnoxious, which isn't to say any of that is entirely their fault, so much as that time in general wasn't a woman-pleasing time anymore than the rest of history.  

    But I still wonder, what would I be like if I were a Bennet sister, for example?  Would I be proud?  Or would I be quieter, more easily shattered, like Jane?  Or, heaven forbid, would I be like one of those other insufferable girls or their mother?  

    It makes me want to write a book, just to have myself as the main character and get all the possibilities down on paper.  Of course, then I'd have to Become Jane, so to speak, which is a night terror I would rather not live out.

   Although the clothes are kind of cool, and I really do enjoy the sentence structure.  No one talks like that anymore, which is really a shame.  Maybe their sentiments are skin deep and all that, but phrases like "I desire you will stay where you are" and "I was hoping, if it would not trouble you, that I might solicit a private audience with you in the course of the morning," and certainly, having drawing rooms and parlors, and calling that space in front of your door a "fo-yay" and not a "foi-urr" or a "lobby" would be perfectly lovely.  And, I know it wasn't a rule or anything that everyone should end up in only the best of situations, but I would give anything to be "completely, and perfectly, and incandescently happy."

17:42

    Ladies and gentleman...my evening in a nutshell:

21:17

    I wonder what I'll be doing this time next week.  I mean, I'll be in Michigan, in the prime of my life, without any homework or--as far as I know--any set agenda to stick to for the evening.  I wonder if I'll have made any friends by then, or if I'll be about as alone as I am now.  Will I be listening to music in my room alone, wondering where Genevieve got off to, or not listening to music because Gen's in the room and I'm self-conscious that she won't like my tune-age?  Will I be in the room at all, or will I be wandering the campus, doing who knows what?  Will I have talked to my High School friends since my departure, or will they have been temporarily taken out of my head by the pooper-scooper of business?  9:17, September 6th, 2008.  Maybe I won't have blogged in a while.  It's crazy the way time works.  Absolutely insane.

    Hi ho, let's raise a glass.  To being an us for once instead of a them.  To starting something that I'm going to finish, one way or another.

22:59

    In case anyone should ask the following questions of me when I die, please direct them here, to this blog post, which shall serve as a sort of snap-shot of my life.  Note: This is not me being dramatic; everyone dies at some point.  Really, I just couldn't think of any better way to introduce this.

    Favorite Lord of the Rings Character(s): Aragorn (am I right or am I right?) and Samwise Gamgee.

    Twilight Team:  New Moon/Breaking Dawn Jacob.  Everything else, Edward.

    Most admirable trait as portrayed by Shawn Spencer: Randomness of wit.

    Middle Name: OrganizedClutter.  No hyphen.

    Future Husband: Henry DeTamble or Gino, if either of them are still around at that point.

    Desired country of Residence at the age of 25: Japan or Ireland.

    Song stuck in my head right now: "La vie Bohem"

    Song playing on Reggie right now:  "Lullaby" (Josh Groban)

    Who is Reggie: my iPod.

    Desktop picture: fake psychic. real detectives.

    What I want to be when I'm grown up: a sugarless gum connoisseur.  Or a High School English teacher.  It's a toss-up.

    Phrase I'm most trying to adopt into my daily vernacular: "dare say"

    Current mood: 

    So, to whomever is keeping the notorious record, let it show that this was how I spent my last Saturday before my first week of college.

<3 spadeALLcross