Showing posts with label thankfulness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thankfulness. Show all posts

1.3.12

I sure am excellent at pickingthewrongtimetoblog

Okay, so I have to leave to go to lunch in T-8 minutes, but I've been wanting to put some thoughts down here for a while, and I'd rather spend 8 minutes freaking out about my too-slow typing wpm and doing something semi-productive than sitting here watching the guy next to me in the library lab fill out job applications.

[January]
  1. Three-year anniversaries are evidently the ones where the neurotic girlfriend learns how to stop being neurotic about an anniversary.  It was great.
  2. I can snowboard for a whole day without sucking!  I cannot, however, snowboard for a whole day and then do anything the next day without pain.  That's my next, perhaps unachievable, goal.
  3. I could actually be a history teacher and not hate it.  Good news.
 [February]

  1. "But why thy odour matcheth not thy show,
       The solve is this, that thou dost common grow."
  2. Trying to learn how to be a healthy, active person in this world often translates to spending a lot of time around people who hate their bodies.  I am fighting an uphill battle with my 30-Day Shred DVD...in all manners of speaking.
I don't want to see your perfectly toned stomach, Jillian Michaels. 
Please stop working so hard to show it to me. 
I see what you're trying to do...but I'd really rather not, thanks.
  1. I found sticky notes with cute dogs on them.  My life is a brighter place.
  2. "Up Top!" "Gross me right out."  I love my once and future roommates.
  3. Sheldon really does cure all ills.
[March]
  1. Just finished reading "Children and Peak Oil: An Opportunity in Crisis" by Tranter and Sharpe and it is currently changing the way I think about raising children.  I love it and am scared by it at the same time, but it gives me profound hope for both myself and any children I may someday have.
By segregating our children in to parks and "children only" areas, we are teaching them that they are not apart of the adult community.
 
  1. March just started; don't hate me for not thinking more quickly.
I swear I had more, but 8 minutes are up.

<3 spadeALLcross

10.11.11

Stop...

...it's fuzzy time.



You may now return to your regularly scheduled life.

29.9.11

So...what's next? [Me: Part V]

So now...the exciting part.  Where do I go from here?  What do all these changes mean to me, and how will they affect me?

Well, my desire to travel has opened up new avenues for me, but because I'm still a little cautious about, in my fervor for adventure, getting in over my head, I'm starting small.  I've wanted to visit Asia for years now, and now that I've been to England, which I thought was my first love, I feel like Asia is next.  I found a company that works with college students, recent graduates, and other like-minded people to install them as English teachers in China and Mongolia for a one- to two-year periods.  They also happen to do a summer camp program in the same countries for a shorter amount of time.  I checked my summer school schedule and my other engagements for next summer, and I found out that it wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility to take part in that sort of experience.  So...that's on my short-term dream list.

As I've been through the teachers' education program at Calvin, I've learned that I, like many upper-middle class white kids from the suburbs, struggle with stereotypes and prejudices, and I've seen how important it will be for me to break those down if I want to be an effective teacher.  So part of my goal in traveling to China is to immerse myself in another culture, to feel stereotyped, to need to defer to other people and lose myself in the attempt to assimilate.  I had a taste of that in England, and it was eye opening.  I don't think it's healthy to do that, to try to dis-identify with the parts of your life that made you who you are, but I do think it's what many classrooms ask students to do (even students of the racial and ethnic majorities) and I want to better understand the challenges in resisting that so that I can aid my students later on in life.

But I don't want to stop with China.  I want to start there because I'm fascinated by Eastern philosophy and cultures, so the actual transitions and logistics of living there may be more enjoyable for me.  But I want to then move to places I'm both less comfortable and less experienced.  There are other international teaching opportunities in Central America and Africa, and I would love the opportunity to get involved there.  I haven't found any available in the Middle East, but there may be other short-term options that I can look into.

Realistically, the timing is not great.  I don't actually have all the time in the world; I have a life in the US I'm excited about living, people I don't want to leave behind for so long, and a teaching certificate that will probably not get shinier the longer I'm away from the US school system.  So I'm definitely still working out the kinks in my plan.  But these are the things I'm excited about.

On a similar note, I don't believe that I can teach to American children without knowing more American children than I already do.  I want to get involved in US cultures and societies vastly different from the ones I grew up learning.  My school has what they call "living-learning residences" on and off campus.  In my freshman and sophomore years, I lived on the Honors floor, which was one of those communities.  There are other dorm floors like my old one--the creation care floor which is involved in environmentalism and the grass roots floor which is involved in social justice and racial and ethnic equality--and there are off-campus houses called Project Neighborhood houses, which are rooted in the community around Grand Rapids, especially the urban communities of downtown.  Many of the houses pair with churches or schools and the residents are required to get involved in those pairings through volunteer opportunities.  They are also "intentional" (a sort of Calvin buzzword) about creating community within each house, with house dinners and communal food...stuff like that.  More than simply six college students living in a house together and sometimes going out for pizza.  It can be really meaningful if the students want it to be, and that's something I think would benefit from.  (If only because I'm a kind of hopeless nerd and I need more social interaction if I ever want to function well in groups of people.)

I love where I'm living now and the people there, but I've been silently frustrated for a while now that my whole community will be changing after this year as so many of my friends graduate and get jobs and maybe even move away, while I'm left here, still in classes.  Not all of my friends are going to leave, certainly, but I wouldn't be surprised if the majority of my close friends, including my boyfriend, went off to grad school and I was left to fend for myself.  Project neighborhood would keep me involved with people whether I liked it or not, which would be really helpful and maybe even necessary.  I don't know yet; I'm still thinking.

Basically, I just wanted to share that I have some new goals for my life, that my newfound desire to travel and my re-found desire for divinity has given me an excitement for worldly adventuring, from teaching overseas, to living in diverse and different communities, to branching out to people I don't know, to being a generally more open and inviting human being.  None of these things interested me (practically) in the slightest eight months ago.  Some of them haven't interested me for more than a couple days, some for more than a couple hours.  I wanted to share this with you because it's all thrilling to me, and I want to explore it.  As most of the people who read this blog are people I care about and who care about me, I really want to explore it with you most.  Even if you think I'm crazy, even if you're worried that I'm becoming someone you don't want to care about anymore, I want to hear from you if you have something to say.

Stay cool.  You're 2Good2Be4Gotten.  Don't ever change.  And all that stuff.

But really, just live your life.  In the best way you can think of.  If I were someone who tried to literally bless people, like a CRC minister, that's what I would leave you with.

Tune in next time when I'll talk about...maybe cheese.

<3 spadeALLcross

25.9.11

Why am I different? [Me: Part IV]

After all of these changes that have happened to me, where I was more or less a passive attender, at least to most of them, I knew that I had to start taking an active role in my own life.  So the next important step along my new path was reflected a little in my post from August, where I talked about addictions.  I didn't have a set agenda of "here are the things that I don't like about myself that I think I need to change otherwise my soul is doomed to eternal damnation," but at the same time, I knew that the way I was living my life was not compatible with what God wanted for me, and I wanted to change.

Why?  For people who aren't religious or are anti-religious, that's probably a pretty serious question.  I know that, for me, the question has cropped up more than once, "If God exists, loves me unconditionally, and made no mistakes when he made me, why would he want me to change who I was for him?"  And, similarly, I have been asked the question, "Why would you want to let God control your life with a list of dos and don'ts?"  I think I can answer in a way that we can mutually understand, even if we don't agree on the existence or importance of God.  Let me know if I'm wrong about that.

I think the answer to the first question is rather simple, but I say that as a Christian, so I may be wrong.  Humans essentially are animals with a more complex societal structure.  We have physical bodies that have physical and emotional needs, like food, water, sex, relationships, etc, like most animals do, but we also have dynamic cultural groups that help us determine the best and right ways to fill those needs.  Our parents, friends, teachers, random crickets and other societal buddies develop our conscience: they teach us, directly and indirectly, what foods are suitable to eat, how much water to use for what tasks, what kind of sex to have and when, what healthy or effective relationships look like, and so on.  Sometimes our animal instincts fight against our social structures: my mom tells me to eat my peas because she knows they're good for me, but I don't like peas, so it makes sense that I wouldn't eat them.  The USPS is socialized in order to reach more people, but I really just want to send my package quickly so I can go take care of other things.  My hormones wouldn't mind me having sex when I'm 13, but my body doesn't realize the harm that could befall it if I made that choice.

Christians believe that it is our complex societal structure was created as "the image of God"; it's the divinity in us, and literally what separates us from the animals.  Christians believe that, when functioning at top form, our societal structure should reflect God's perfect design for humanity.  So, in those moments when our physical and emotional needs fight against of social upbringing, it's kind of like a battle between our divinity and humanity.  What non-Christians call a conscience, Christians call the Holy Spirit.  God wanted us to be humans seeking divinity, which is why we were created with flaws that would force us to struggle against ourselves.  Everyone has internal struggles, and Christians don't even necessarily have more than non-Christians.  They're just sometimes of a different nature.

On to the second question.  While we don't want to completely disown our humanity, because it was given to us for a reason, we believe that God has a more holy call for us, one that does not always allow us to indulge in our physical and emotional desires.  Our faith tells us that God's plan is better than one we could make for ourselves, and that it will meet our physical and emotional needs, just not necessarily in manners or timeframes we expect.  In order to partake in God's perfect plan for our lives, we need the Holy Spirit to be in control of our humanity, so that we'll be in the right place at the right time, so to speak.  Christianity is not a list of rules you must follow in order to get into heaven, it's a description of the kind of person whose conscience controls their humanity in such a way that they are a perfect conduit of divinity traveling from God to earth.

Certainly, if you are not a Christian, you don't believe that God is something you want to deliver to the earth, but you have other things, agendas, goals you want to deliver to the world around you, and you probably believe that, in any situation, there are correct and incorrect ways of delivering those agendas.  It's the same thing, it's just that my agenda is God's.

In my post from early August, I talked about addictions and how they're present in places other than just illicit substances.  Overcoming addictions is one of the big parts of being a Christian: the first commandment is "God is the only God.  Worship no other idols."  Anything that I could put before God, hold higher on my priorities than following God's plan for me, is a sort of idol.  I need to eschew all other idols, because they distract me from my real goal.  So, over the summer, that's what I started to do.

That's a whole other post right there, and a bit of it is quite personal, so I'm not going to go into detail.  Plus, this post is already dragging on, and I'm quite pleasantly surprised you've willingly come this far.  All I really want to say on this point is that I am struggling daily with things I've never bothered to struggle with, simply because the struggle was too hard.  The struggle is exciting, though, and I'm really enjoying myself in what I swear is a completely non-masochistic way.  I just mean, at this stage in the game, I'm feeling immediate relief, and seeing that change is really energizing.  At some point, the immediacy of results will taper off and the excitement will be harder to find, but as this stage strengthens my resolve and my faith, I feel confident that I will be able to stick it through.  I'm not alone, after all: I believe in a God who will be with me through everything, who does not put me into situations and leave me there, and who doesn't let me get in over my head.

So this leads me up to this point.  In my next post, the probable conclusion to the "About Mary" mini-series I've been constructing, I'll talk about my goals for the future...which are really the only reason I started this whole blog project in the first place...way back in Freshman year.

Goodnight and goodluck.

<3 spadeALLcross

20.9.11

You got a friend in me...

I'll continue with my rant about myself later.  Right now I just want to thank you.

If you're reading this blog, you're probably a friend of mine, and, if I am remembering correctly, the majority of you are rather close friends.  I have recently come to re-realize that I would be nowhere and miserable without all of you.  Thank you for being with me and for me.

<3 spadeALLcross

13.9.11

Who am I? [Me: Part II]

So, last poast, I talked about January through June.  This week, I'm going to talk about July through...well...July.  It was a very complex month for me, even outside of Harry Potter.  And it started out with a bang.

At the end of June, events transpired that threw all of this over-time development, all of my personal growth and goals into sharp relief, and I got my first real dose of self-induced shame.  And this is where both disaster struck and the light at the end of the tunnel appeared.  Let me 'splain.  No, there is too much.  Let me sum up.


All my life, I've been told that I was special, that I was great, that the world could tell me that I was flawed, tell me that I had no merit, but that none of that mattered because I was loved in a way that I should never forget.  My mother instilled this belief in me for years, and it was reaffirmed by my Church and my brand of Christianity (which primarily revolved around "God loves me, he's gone to great lengths to show me that, and his love for me is all that matters.").  The only thing wrong with this belief was that I thought (completely subconsciously, in unchangeable ways) that I was loved because I was special, because I was great, and that when the world told me I was flawed and had no merit, the world was unquestionably wrong on all counts.  That is a very dangerous worldview, and at the end of June, I realized how dangerous it had made me as a person.

I'm not going to tell you, Internet, what happened in June, because it's not important to this conversation.  But essentially, I finally did something that, in my mind, was "bad" enough to make me feel ashamed.  Really ashamed.  Not the shame that I've felt before because someone is telling me I should, like when, in junior high and high school, I felt like I was fat and was ashamed that I wasn't able to lose weight and wear clothes like other girls did.  Not the shame I feel when my standards are too high, like when I wanted to take AP physics even though I had no designs for a scientific career or any need to sweat through an entire year of a killer class, and when doing so would hurt me in the other subjects I actually excelled at and wanted to better understand.  Not shame that is in anyway connected with an outside source or something beyond my control.  Shame that I had done something seriously wrong, and now I had to live with the consequences.  Shame that no one I told about my situation would have any reason to feel pity for me; I had brought this upon myself.

Whether what I did was actually as bad as I thought it was at the time, I can't say.  Whether the worst punishment I could have reasonably deserved for it was anything life shattering or shame-worthy, I don't know.  What's important is what I felt in that moment, because that's what changed everything.

The "you're special, you're great, don't ever change" mantra that had been playing on repeat for my whole life sort of skipped for a moment.  Suddenly, I looked at my life, my faith, my relationships, and everything I did and thought and said in a completely new way.  And it was not refreshing.  What I saw was brokenness, complacency, and a dangerous habit of doing what I want because I want to, and then expecting things to work out in my favor regardless.  Most of my life had been shame-free, and it was only this one instance that made me see things this way, but I saw laid out ahead of me two paths branching out from one decision: either I could take my situation seriously and really reflect on what it meant to me and how I wanted to proceed, which would probably involve pain and loneliness and challenges I felt unprepared for, or I could pay the minimum penalty and revert back to comfort and safety where things were exactly where I expected them to be and I could count on my instincts to see me through.

The first path didn't lead out very far.  I couldn't see the whole way down.  But kind of like a real road on a really foggy night, when you can see the glow of the street lights even though you can't see what they're falling on, I could see the satisfaction in that road.  I could see spots of darkness, but I saw a comfort that went beyond the shallowness of my previous comforts.  More than just making myself happy and trying to get to oases of pleasure, walking down that first road would create oases where there were none, would find comfort in places I didn't think it existed, and would end with the happiest, most satisfying destination I could have, though I don't yet know what that is.

I could see farther down the second path, but then it too turned foggy, even foggier than the first path.  It looked easy and familiar, not much different than the path I was walking down already.  But the streetlights were not welcoming.  If I had screwed up already, (and such a small screw up had affected me this much), I was bound to do it again, and there was a huge chance that it would be worse in the subsequent times.  There was no guaranteed warmth down this road and no assumption of a happy ending.  That didn't mean there wasn't one, but just that I wasn't as sure of it.

It sounds cheesy with all the analogies.  But I guess describing my self-reflection during this time is like trying to describe a dream.  Since dream worlds are not the same as the real world, you have to change some details to make the dream explicable.  Since my mind works differently than yours, I have to make analogies to help you understand.  It wasn't cheesy at all when I went through it.  It was very real and actually very scary.  But my decision was easy.  Of course I took the first road.

So that where I was in July.  Tune in next time for the continuation of my journey, which concludes summer.

<3 spadeALLcross

8.9.11

Where do I think I'm going? [Me: Part 1]

Yup.  As per usual, as most of you expected, it has been a while since I last updated here.  That's not for lack of trying, believe me.  It's just that, between my list of goals I wanted to complete over the summer, my time spent unavoidably (if not welcomely) separated from my computer, the revision of my personal priorities, and the onset of school this week, every time I had something to blog about, I was convinced that there was some better use of my time elsewhere, and I was not often wrong.

The unfortunate consequence to this is that I now have a lot of stuff to say, while you have not developed some über stamina that would allow you to read it all in one sitting.  So consider this the first installment in a long line of get-to-know-Mary posts.  Because that's what they'll all have in common: "About Mary."

We'll start with the beginning.  These past eight months have been the most renewing months of my life.  They have been the most unstable, the most disappointing, the scariest, and the most wonderful time I have ever spent doing anything.  Throughout the four months I was in England, I became much more like the person I've always wanted to be; I became more confident in myself, less reliant on the affirmation of others, and more open and willing to try new things and take real risks.  I struggled, especially against myself, while I was there--I was homesick very often, out of my element with almost every step I took, and fully aware 98% of the time that I was less than perfect in many significant ways.  My semester abroad was not different or special in comparison to anyone else's semester abroad.  It changed me, certainly, like any new experience would, and it showed me who I really was, and sometimes that reflection made me cringe.  But I think that's what those sorts of programs are designed to do.  And if not, they still manage to more often than not, in my experience.

Fourish months removed from that time, I think I can safely say I've finally gotten around to processing it, and I think the most noticeable development it started in me was my newfound desire to travel.  I've always wanted to be a "world explorer," meeting new people and traveling to exciting places, just so I could see the world.  But now that I've had the smallest taste of that, and I know at least some of the downsides to that kind of an adventure, I feel like when I say, "I want to travel the world," I mean it now.  I know what's at stake, where I didn't before, but I also know what glorious things can happen as a result, and that prospect is exciting more to me than the fears are scary.

Then the summer started.  There was undeniable culture shock as I moved back to the US, even just from England (which is not all that different), and that experience further opened my eyes, showing me what I felt I needed to change about my lifestyle, that, in some cases, it just wasn't a choice anymore.  It's one thing to say something is important to you, it's another thing to realize that you simply cannot live your life without it.  My transition back to the states, back to things, relationships, and interests that once felt comfortable to me made me see more clearly which pieces of myself I needed to put the effort into preserving, and which pieces I needed to weed out.  The process is ongoing and challenging, but as I said, I simply can't stop.  I believe there are certain foundational pieces of my personality and my life that, if I neglected them simply because they were hard, I would be lying to myself about who I was, which would make my life hard to live anyway.  It's a lose-lose, in a [pessimistic] sense, but I think the intentional, challenging way is the more sustainable and rewarding way.

So that's where I was around the middle of June.  Tune in next time to hear about July.

<3 spadeALLcross

19.7.11

The time has come, [the Walrus said]...

It's been a few days since I saw HP 7.2, and I now feel solid enough in my opinion of it to review it.  Not in-depth, as I don't think anyone who reads this blog really cares about the play-by-play of a movie they could easily watch themselves, but at least enough to discuss the parts that struck me the most.

WARNING: Spoiler City up in hurr.

I walked into the theater last November for the midnight showing of HP 7.1 with very low expectations.  I've been to every midnight showing of a Harry Potter movie since Prisoner of Azkaban as a tradition, but have never actually liked the movies.  But after HP 7.1 was over, I was incredibly and pleasantly surprised by its quality.  The filmmakers had definitely made choices that I didn't understand, like not including the invisibility cloak, rushing through an introduction of Bill Weasley, and skipping over so much of Harry's Dumbledore-related angst.  But the movie did a much better job than its predecessors of staying true to the depth, vision, and feeling of the book.  Things were dark, scary, and hopeless, and the comic relief came in short bursts of smiles before nail-biting drama struck again.

So Thursday night, my expectations were high for a Harry Potter film for the first time in seven years.  And when the credits rolled, I was less disappointed than I could have been. I think the movie did as good a job adapting the book as it could have, given the circumstances.  Ending a series beloved by so many people and trying to include all of the bits that audience would expect--"The Prince's Tale," Molly-Bellatrix dueling scene, Neville's defeat of Nagini, many of the priceless bits of dialogue sprinkled throughout, etc.--while still creating an enjoyable movie that wasn't absolute Hell to sit through is a task that I do not envy.

Because the job was such a hard one, I'm quite happy with the way the movie turned out.  It does, however, solidify in my mind that the books outstrip the films in every way that counts.

The movie didn't really include anything about the Hallows at all.  It registered their existence and sort of nodded to the fact that Harry possessed all three by the end of the war for Hogwarts, but it didn't show the struggle that Dumbledore had faced, like so many others within and -out of fiction have faced, throughout his life of trying to use them to overcome death.  Dumbledore's ascension to the position of Hogwarts' Headmaster and decline of the position of Minister of Magic was hardly mentioned, if at all.  Harry's choice not to try to beat Voldemort to Dumbledore's tomb and take the Elder wand didn't happen.  Voldemort's fear of death was downplayed in favor of his fear of defeat.  These choices changed the entire point of the Harry Potter story.  The saga went from a relatable tale of young people overcoming internal and external obstacles by learning to think for themselves while still relying on others, a tale of friendship and bravery, of unity and mutual respect, of trusts lost and regained, to a coming-of-age story that no one can ever identify with, since it's set in a fictional world whose struggles are nothing like ours.

In the first book and movie, Quirrell/Voldemort says, "There is no Good and Evil; there is only power and those too weak to seek it."  This is the theme of the Deathly Hallows; the internal battle between action and inaction, the conscious decisions Harry, Dumbledore, and Voldemort each make in their separate quests to "win," and each person's individual definition of what "winning" means.

All three of them have different relationships and responses to power.  Voldemort obviously desires to increase his own power.  As a child and a student he uses his innately strong magical power to bully and coerce those around him, to make them see how strong he was, to make others see how week they were.  He also hones his social power to ensnare people who have more actual authority than he does in order to use their power to his advantage.  But the only reason he wants any of this power is his fear of death.  He fears the unknown that comes after death, and he spends most of his life ensuring that he will never have to face it.  It is his search for ways to overcome death that brought so much of his power, and once he believes he has achieved immortality, he knows that he is better, stronger, smarter than everyone else in the world, including Dumbledore.  Because, if anyone else were as talented and as driven as he was, they would have created horcruxes as well, they would have done the things he had done, because death was something everyone feared.  How could they not?  He could not see any other way of approaching the power he had discovered.  He could not see why anyone would not want to live forever.  What was the point of a whole and pure soul if it could be destroyed?

Meanwhile, Dumbledore also desires power his whole life.  Similar to Voldemort, he sharpens his magic and knowledge from a young age.  Perhaps it is Dumbledore's habit of (born out of his opportunities for) relying on other people that allow him to have friends at school who then keep him from becoming the lone-ranger that Voldemort is.  Maybe Dumbledore's quest is more for knowledge and study than it is for power.  But for whatever reason, Albus gets through school without attempting to take over the world.  However, once school is over and his mother's death forces him to settle back in at home to take care of his younger brother and sister, he feels trapped in an inferior life.  His belief that he could do more with his talents, should be allowed to move forward, fuels his friendship with Grindelwald, someone who agrees with Albus that he was made for better things.  Maybe Gelert has a more straightforward desire for power for the sake of power than Dumbledore does, but Dumbledore, blinded by love and a feeling of partnership he probably didn't feel with anyone else and isn't getting from anyone in his broken family, dares to dream with Grindelwald.

Dumbledore's crippling fear that made him seek power wasn't death, but stagnation, discomfort, and intellectual restraints.  Where Voldemort wanted the horcruxes primarily to ensure his eternal existence and only secondarily used the power he had gained from making them to subjugate those he thought were weaker than him, Dumbledore and Grindelwald wanted the Hallows primarily to place their superior intelligence and talent rightly on top where it belong, and only secondarily to allow themselves to live forever.

Albus is shocked out of his desire for power by the loss of his brother, sister, and best friend/boyfriend in one fell blow, and for a while, his fear overshadows  his guilt.  His grief over his lost loved ones and his knowledge that he is at least partly responsible keeps him from grabbing power where he can. But that fear of discomfort is something he struggles with his entire life, between desiring power over other, lesser people, as he exhibits when he borrows the cloak from James Potter, and wanting power over his grief, as he demonstrates by attempting to bring Ariana and his parents back from the dead with the resurrection stone. But he is always disgusted by his relationship to power, which is why the Elder wand is safe with him. He doesn't trust himself, and he doesn't trust the wand, so he remains headmaster of Hogwarts and keeps his own power and the wand's in check.

Unlike Dumbledore and Voldemort, Harry does not want power. All his life he is powerless, alone, and mistreated, much like Voldemort, but at school, he gains friends and fame, like Dumbledore. His fame does not treat him well; it makes him as many enemies as friends, and it gives him as many problems as solutions. Some of his fame is based on his own talent, and some of his success comes from skill, but he knows that an equal, if not greater amount comes from luck, chance, and the providence of others, and between this knowledge and the pains his fame gives him, he doesn't get as big a head as he could. Instead of focusing on overpowering others, he genuinely tries his best to do what he thinks is right. What he thinks is right is not always the most intelligent course of action, but he is only a teenager, and he is often dealing with the complex power schemes and magic of adults much stronger and smarter than he is. He knows that he isn't good enough to do everything by himself, but he also knows that doing something was too important to leave entirely to someone else. He is the perfect combination of Voldemort and Dumbledore, of relying on himself and relying on others, of choosing to act and choosing to wait, of having a will to live without putting it above everything else. If he has a crippling fear, it is that he was not worth dying for: that his parents and his friends loved him too much and for no reason. Instead of driving him to take power wherever he can find it, his fear dives him to be the best person possible, fighting for the best causes he finds.  His fear makes him constantly reevaluate his actions and his goals, to know himself...something Dumbledore learned too late, and Voldemort never learned at all. Because of this, he gets all three Hallows and learns what it really means to be Master of Death. Not to live forever, but to embrace the inevitable end, to know that it's coming, and to not fight it once it arrives.

So many themes regarding life and what it means to be human float in and out of Harry Potter: persistence in the face of overwhelming adversity, unlikely forgiveness, the importance of friendship, the need for humility, and so on and so forth.  A lot of them feel cliché when said aloud, which is probably why people call Harry Potter fans "nerds."  The story is a coming-of-age adventure; how could it not be with a group of adolescents as the protagonists? But its fan base is proof that its characters and plots speak to more than just adolescents and that the series is more than a mere didactic fairy tale about the ideal human being.

The major overarching theme of the whole series is not cliché or nerdy, but a real question that people ask themselves constantly, whether they take note of it or not.  The theme is expressed in that striking quote of Quirrell's: "There is no Good and Evil; there is only power and those too week to seek it." The question Harry Potter asks is whether Good seeks power, and whether not seeking power is a weakness. Harry, Dumbledore, and Voldemort represent three case studies in dealing with power that can show us our own feelings about the subject.

But the movies do not focus on that aspect of the books. It makes sense that they wouldn't: in order to do so, all of the movies would have had to have been much longer and probably would have included more scenes of exposition and talking than of action and excitement, and that's not exactly what a movie is best at. As it is, the movies portray a good story about children becoming adults and overcoming the obstacles their parents and mentors could not.

So, while I certainly can't say I love the movies as much as I love the books, I'm not surprised or upset by their inability to match up with each other. When I drink whiskey, I drink whiskey, and when I drink water, I drink water.

And I'm sad that Harry Potter is officially over, but I can't afford to care too much for too long.  Everyone has different experiences with literature, and I have confidence in mine and shouldn't worry for anyone else's, since I can't control it anyway.

Here's to you, Harry. And here's to many happy years of your own immortality, one you gained without Hallows, without Horcruxes.

Now...if only Hogwarts were real...

<3 spadeALlcross

19.4.11

Parlé vous l'Englais?

(I just guessed on the spelling of that title. Let me know how I did.)

First full day in France! …and oof, what a full day it has been.

Itinerary for this post:

A. Start by summing up all the stuff I was going to write yesterday and didn't
B. Then move on to talking about the stuff I did today

Itinerary for future posts:

A. Thirdly, some thoughts on being an American (particularly this American) in France
B. Interesting, France-inspired etymological studies

Yesterday [feels like weeks ago] was a bit nerve-wracking at the time because we had to get a train to London, then a tube to the Stansted station, and then a train from there to Stansted Airport. I started freaking out about this the night before because I was worried about the time crunch, but I tried not to let it show too much, because getting us both worried about it was definitely going to cause more harm than good.

In the end, it worked out with nearly 15 minutes to spare. Not only that, but all of my worries about my luggage being overweight or having too many liquids, or about not getting through security or not being allowed in France were [mostly] unfounded (though my bag was only .1 kilograms under the limit…close one). In the end, getting from England to France was a breeze, really.

But then we hit a considerable wall: the airport was north of Tours, France, and the hotel we had booked was in Chambray-les-Tours, which is quite south of Tours. Lea had supposed that there would be an ATM and perhaps a pay-phone in the airport, or that taxis would come to the airport regularly. However, as it turned out, Aeroport de Tours (or whatever…) consists of two rooms, one for departures, and security, and one for arrivals and baggage claim, and there were no taxis that we could see.

So we wandered around the airport a bit, went to the bathroom, contemplated trying to call a taxi from the phone we found (complete with phone book) but, to our luck, a taxi did pull up, and the driver even spoke English relatively well, though Lea did her level best to speak as much French as possible. He took us to a cash machine in a mall and then to our hotel. We walked back to the mall for dinner of cold pasta and club sandwiches, as well as pomegranate-cranberry juice (imported from California? Come on, France. Step up your pomegranate game) purchased from the largest supermarket I have ever seen outside of the 28th-Street Meijer in Grand Rapids.

Then, this morning, I scarfed a pains au chocolat (Lea bought a 10-pack or some such monstrosity the previous night) for breakfast, we checked out of our hotel at 9:30, and huffed it back to the mall, looking for either another taxi to the train station, or a pay phone with which to call one. We found neither forthcoming, but Lea conversed with a clerk at a desk in the aforementioned supermarket and found out that there was a pay phone outside somewhere. We found the appropriate calling card to use, and she called a Taxi.

Where would I be without Lea on this trip? Stuck at that airport still. Guaranteed. She doesn't speak much French, but the little that she does speak has been such a lifesaver, at least for me, who couldn't even pronounce anything before yesterday (I'm getting better by listening to people) let alone read signs or tell people anything. Especially in Tours, where not many people spoke English.

Glowing with the success of having called a taxi in French (something neither of us had ever done in English) we got to Gare de Tours and bought train tickets to Amboise. Glowing with the success of having gotten off at the correct stop, we purchased tickets to Chenanceau, a Chateau south of Amboise. We also bought tickets from Chenanceau to Paris for the evening. Saddened by our failure to recognize that the connecting train we had researched form Amboise to Chenanceau went through Tours (albeit a different station than the previous one), we finally got to the Chateau around 3:30. Neither of us was really upset, though, because the extra train ticket wasn't too costly, and the adventure of using the different language was exciting enough to blanket our frustration.

Then, without issue, we managed to spend nearly four hours at Chateau de Chenanceau. It's renown as one of the most beautiful of the Chateaux of the Val de Loire, which has at least a dozen Chateaux, so it's kind of a big deal. It's on a river (literally) and has two exquisite gardens, and it boats five French queens as previous residents. Lea got an audio guide and I just walked around with her and took pictures. I was disappointed by my lack of knowledge of French history, which is interesting, because until this semester, I was equally ignorant of British history. Walking around this beautiful castle helped me to realize just how much I've learned these past three months.

Naturally, you can expect pictures of the Chateau to be forthcoming…but probably not for at least a couple weeks.

We then caught our train to…some station with a connection to France. At this connecting station, we had a 30-minute layover, so we wandered into the concourse and bought crisps, gummy worms, and soda from a vending machine (yes, sadly, my experience of French cuisine is still yet to come) and ate it while we waited.

The train to Paris was express, no stops, and was also the first time we had our tickets checked since the stewardess scanned our boarding pass on the plane to Tours. We were too sheepish to take any of the seats that people were occupying with their luggage, so we stuck to the lounge car in the very back of the train, and eventually just sat down on the floor there. It was only a 1.5 hour ride, and I read Pride and Prejudice the hole time, so it was fine for me. I don't know about Lea.

At one point, the other boys in the car with us starting making obnoxious kissing noises (although, if anyone really makes those noises naturally while kissing, they are probably doing something wrong) in a manner which suggested to me that they wanted us to look at them, but I just kept reading and Lea just kept looking out the window, so they eventually stopped. Thus ended the excitement of that voyage.

After the train ride was the crazy part where we had to find the hotel. We managed to get another taxi (the driver spoke no English this time, but we had the address written on the paper, so it wasn't too bad, although I think he definitely took advantage of our foreignness and drove around a bit) but we hadn't made any hard and fast booking for our two nights in Paris (that was technically Lea's job…) so there were no vacancies there. Thankfully, the receptionist called two or three other hotels in the area until he found one with a room free, and then he gave us directions. (When I say "thankfully," imagine the Hallelujah chorus playing in the background…)

Now we're here, I managed to snag some cheap internet, and we're looking at stuff to do tomorrow and the next day. Very exciting stuff.

It's quite late here now, and I am longing for sleep. Again, I have so much I want to say before I forget it, but I took quick notes today, so I should remember them for tomorrow.

Bien nuit! (did I say that right?)

<3 spadeALLcross