Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts

1.3.12

I sure am excellent at pickingthewrongtimetoblog

Okay, so I have to leave to go to lunch in T-8 minutes, but I've been wanting to put some thoughts down here for a while, and I'd rather spend 8 minutes freaking out about my too-slow typing wpm and doing something semi-productive than sitting here watching the guy next to me in the library lab fill out job applications.

[January]
  1. Three-year anniversaries are evidently the ones where the neurotic girlfriend learns how to stop being neurotic about an anniversary.  It was great.
  2. I can snowboard for a whole day without sucking!  I cannot, however, snowboard for a whole day and then do anything the next day without pain.  That's my next, perhaps unachievable, goal.
  3. I could actually be a history teacher and not hate it.  Good news.
 [February]

  1. "But why thy odour matcheth not thy show,
       The solve is this, that thou dost common grow."
  2. Trying to learn how to be a healthy, active person in this world often translates to spending a lot of time around people who hate their bodies.  I am fighting an uphill battle with my 30-Day Shred DVD...in all manners of speaking.
I don't want to see your perfectly toned stomach, Jillian Michaels. 
Please stop working so hard to show it to me. 
I see what you're trying to do...but I'd really rather not, thanks.
  1. I found sticky notes with cute dogs on them.  My life is a brighter place.
  2. "Up Top!" "Gross me right out."  I love my once and future roommates.
  3. Sheldon really does cure all ills.
[March]
  1. Just finished reading "Children and Peak Oil: An Opportunity in Crisis" by Tranter and Sharpe and it is currently changing the way I think about raising children.  I love it and am scared by it at the same time, but it gives me profound hope for both myself and any children I may someday have.
By segregating our children in to parks and "children only" areas, we are teaching them that they are not apart of the adult community.
 
  1. March just started; don't hate me for not thinking more quickly.
I swear I had more, but 8 minutes are up.

<3 spadeALLcross

10.11.11

Stop...

...it's fuzzy time.



You may now return to your regularly scheduled life.

20.10.11

The Cliffs of Insanity!

I've reached them, folks.  It's almost November, and if you've been paying attention to my facebook, my google+, the sidebar on this blog, or the crazed look on my face, you'll remember that November means NaNoWriMo.

For those [unlikely few] of you who don't know, NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month, which is November.  It is also the name of an event put on by the Office of Letters and Light, a Not-for-Profit organization that supports, encourages, defends, and champions reading and writing and literacy programs around the world, in schools, libraries, and homes.  I love it, and I love its people (those whom I know) and I love its annual Month of "Literary Abandon."


NaNoWriMo stands for a lot of things that are important to me, as an enthusiast of education and of books, and a firm believer in a person's need to communicate and express themselves.  Because of this, I am putting aside my blue-chip safety dance and strapping on the Lonsword of +5 to risktaking.

On the sidebar of this page, you'll see a big green "Donate!" button.  The following are the rules for using said button.

Certainly anyone is allowed to donate free of nefarious connotations: just go to the page and donate and I'll be happy, and you'll be happy, and writers around the country and world will be happy, too.  Everyone wins.

But if you're of a more competitive spirit, or you don't think I can do what I say I'm going to do, or if you want to keep me honest, then let's set up a little wager, shall we?

There are many benchmarks for NaNoWriMo that we could put some money on.  There's the obvious one, 50K by the end of the month.  There're also the challenges of getting 1,667 words/day, or 11,669 words/week, or staying above someone else's daily word count, i.e. Chris Baty (the head of NaNoWriMo.org).  The wagers set thereon would work as follows:

You bet, say $50, that I don't make the 50K by the end of the month.  If I do, then you donate that $50 to NaNoWriMo.  If I don't, then I donate it to an organization of your choosing.  Any organization: NaNoWriMo, the NRA, Scientology, or even your own checking account.

The same goes for any benchmark.  I'm going to ask that there be a $0.50 maximum wager made for every 1,000 words expected for the benchmark, because I'm not made of money, and I'm sure you're not either.

If you accept any of these wagers, or if you want to donate just for the good of the cause, let me know in a comment below, or an email, or a text, or via facebook, or any other of the numerous ways people can reach me these days.  I won't necessarily accept all of the wagers, but I may accept some--the more interesting, the better--and I will consider all of them.

Happy Thursday!  And Happy National Novel Writing Month!

<3 spadeALLcross

25.9.11

Why am I different? [Me: Part IV]

After all of these changes that have happened to me, where I was more or less a passive attender, at least to most of them, I knew that I had to start taking an active role in my own life.  So the next important step along my new path was reflected a little in my post from August, where I talked about addictions.  I didn't have a set agenda of "here are the things that I don't like about myself that I think I need to change otherwise my soul is doomed to eternal damnation," but at the same time, I knew that the way I was living my life was not compatible with what God wanted for me, and I wanted to change.

Why?  For people who aren't religious or are anti-religious, that's probably a pretty serious question.  I know that, for me, the question has cropped up more than once, "If God exists, loves me unconditionally, and made no mistakes when he made me, why would he want me to change who I was for him?"  And, similarly, I have been asked the question, "Why would you want to let God control your life with a list of dos and don'ts?"  I think I can answer in a way that we can mutually understand, even if we don't agree on the existence or importance of God.  Let me know if I'm wrong about that.

I think the answer to the first question is rather simple, but I say that as a Christian, so I may be wrong.  Humans essentially are animals with a more complex societal structure.  We have physical bodies that have physical and emotional needs, like food, water, sex, relationships, etc, like most animals do, but we also have dynamic cultural groups that help us determine the best and right ways to fill those needs.  Our parents, friends, teachers, random crickets and other societal buddies develop our conscience: they teach us, directly and indirectly, what foods are suitable to eat, how much water to use for what tasks, what kind of sex to have and when, what healthy or effective relationships look like, and so on.  Sometimes our animal instincts fight against our social structures: my mom tells me to eat my peas because she knows they're good for me, but I don't like peas, so it makes sense that I wouldn't eat them.  The USPS is socialized in order to reach more people, but I really just want to send my package quickly so I can go take care of other things.  My hormones wouldn't mind me having sex when I'm 13, but my body doesn't realize the harm that could befall it if I made that choice.

Christians believe that it is our complex societal structure was created as "the image of God"; it's the divinity in us, and literally what separates us from the animals.  Christians believe that, when functioning at top form, our societal structure should reflect God's perfect design for humanity.  So, in those moments when our physical and emotional needs fight against of social upbringing, it's kind of like a battle between our divinity and humanity.  What non-Christians call a conscience, Christians call the Holy Spirit.  God wanted us to be humans seeking divinity, which is why we were created with flaws that would force us to struggle against ourselves.  Everyone has internal struggles, and Christians don't even necessarily have more than non-Christians.  They're just sometimes of a different nature.

On to the second question.  While we don't want to completely disown our humanity, because it was given to us for a reason, we believe that God has a more holy call for us, one that does not always allow us to indulge in our physical and emotional desires.  Our faith tells us that God's plan is better than one we could make for ourselves, and that it will meet our physical and emotional needs, just not necessarily in manners or timeframes we expect.  In order to partake in God's perfect plan for our lives, we need the Holy Spirit to be in control of our humanity, so that we'll be in the right place at the right time, so to speak.  Christianity is not a list of rules you must follow in order to get into heaven, it's a description of the kind of person whose conscience controls their humanity in such a way that they are a perfect conduit of divinity traveling from God to earth.

Certainly, if you are not a Christian, you don't believe that God is something you want to deliver to the earth, but you have other things, agendas, goals you want to deliver to the world around you, and you probably believe that, in any situation, there are correct and incorrect ways of delivering those agendas.  It's the same thing, it's just that my agenda is God's.

In my post from early August, I talked about addictions and how they're present in places other than just illicit substances.  Overcoming addictions is one of the big parts of being a Christian: the first commandment is "God is the only God.  Worship no other idols."  Anything that I could put before God, hold higher on my priorities than following God's plan for me, is a sort of idol.  I need to eschew all other idols, because they distract me from my real goal.  So, over the summer, that's what I started to do.

That's a whole other post right there, and a bit of it is quite personal, so I'm not going to go into detail.  Plus, this post is already dragging on, and I'm quite pleasantly surprised you've willingly come this far.  All I really want to say on this point is that I am struggling daily with things I've never bothered to struggle with, simply because the struggle was too hard.  The struggle is exciting, though, and I'm really enjoying myself in what I swear is a completely non-masochistic way.  I just mean, at this stage in the game, I'm feeling immediate relief, and seeing that change is really energizing.  At some point, the immediacy of results will taper off and the excitement will be harder to find, but as this stage strengthens my resolve and my faith, I feel confident that I will be able to stick it through.  I'm not alone, after all: I believe in a God who will be with me through everything, who does not put me into situations and leave me there, and who doesn't let me get in over my head.

So this leads me up to this point.  In my next post, the probable conclusion to the "About Mary" mini-series I've been constructing, I'll talk about my goals for the future...which are really the only reason I started this whole blog project in the first place...way back in Freshman year.

Goodnight and goodluck.

<3 spadeALLcross

15.9.11

Who do I want to become? [Me: Part III]

Hey again.  See, I'm good at this keeping up now.  Don't get used to it.

Last post, I talked about how same in myself and lots of dark, depressing feelings forced me to change the way I look at my future.  I decided to take "the high road," if you want to be cliché about it.  I like to think of it more as the road personally mapped out for me specifically by God, a road that no one else can take.

The first step of that road was to get beyond the shameful experience that had brought me there.  Shame, guilt, fear...they're all very useful emotions and shouldn't be discounted or avoided simply because they're unpleasant, but they can cripple us if we let them.  So I had to let them go for now.  In order to do that, I had to begin again with my timeless mantra of "you're special, you're wonderful, you're perfect," but that wasn't going to work now.  I knew that I wasn't perfect, I knew that I had failed.  How could I be loved when I was a failure?  That's the opposite of what I've believed my whole life.

Almost immediately, I realized that love doesn't work that way.  Maybe I knew that before, but it had never meant to me then what it does now.  My mother and my brother especially, but others as well, showed me that I was special and perfect and important because I was loved, not the other way around.  It was their love that made me who I was.

But that's...not ideal.  My mother is an amazing woman and I wouldn't trade my brother for any other brother in the world, but they are just as flawed as I am.  There is a chance--slimmest of the slim, and I only believe this as a philosophical theory of general human nature, not of the love of these people--that something could cause them to stop loving me, and then where would I be?  Back exactly where I was.  I had to find a source of love that was beyond fault, beyond beginnings and endings, that was big enough to cushion me when I failed again, as I would, and strong enough to hold me when no one else would.

And there it was.  My new faith.

I've always believed in God's love, and I've always known in my head that I needed it.  But kind of like you can't describe to someone what it feels like to attempt to balance yourself on a bicycle, when that someone has never ridden one, I did know know what it felt like to believe I needed God's love.  Like I said, up until my realization of my own brokenness, I thought that I was good enough to be loved by God, not that God's love was constantly overcoming my not-good-enoughness.

Again, the transformation sounds like I went from point A to point A, when really it's just...really complicated.  I'm sure there's a lot of psychology or religious jargon that I could toss in here to help my explanation make sense, but I don't know the jargon, and I'm just hoping that there are enough people out there who have been where I was that they will just innately understand.  If you don't understand, please contact me and I can try again.  It's as important to me to learn how to articulate myself in this matter (I am training to be an English Teacher...so...) as it could possibly be for you to understand what I'm saying, so if you're interested enough, please let me know.

Thanks for sticking with me this far.  I hope you're getting something out of reading this as much as I am by writing it and processing it.  But really, if you have questions, concerns, etc., talk to me about them.

<3 spadeALLcross

8.9.11

Where do I think I'm going? [Me: Part 1]

Yup.  As per usual, as most of you expected, it has been a while since I last updated here.  That's not for lack of trying, believe me.  It's just that, between my list of goals I wanted to complete over the summer, my time spent unavoidably (if not welcomely) separated from my computer, the revision of my personal priorities, and the onset of school this week, every time I had something to blog about, I was convinced that there was some better use of my time elsewhere, and I was not often wrong.

The unfortunate consequence to this is that I now have a lot of stuff to say, while you have not developed some über stamina that would allow you to read it all in one sitting.  So consider this the first installment in a long line of get-to-know-Mary posts.  Because that's what they'll all have in common: "About Mary."

We'll start with the beginning.  These past eight months have been the most renewing months of my life.  They have been the most unstable, the most disappointing, the scariest, and the most wonderful time I have ever spent doing anything.  Throughout the four months I was in England, I became much more like the person I've always wanted to be; I became more confident in myself, less reliant on the affirmation of others, and more open and willing to try new things and take real risks.  I struggled, especially against myself, while I was there--I was homesick very often, out of my element with almost every step I took, and fully aware 98% of the time that I was less than perfect in many significant ways.  My semester abroad was not different or special in comparison to anyone else's semester abroad.  It changed me, certainly, like any new experience would, and it showed me who I really was, and sometimes that reflection made me cringe.  But I think that's what those sorts of programs are designed to do.  And if not, they still manage to more often than not, in my experience.

Fourish months removed from that time, I think I can safely say I've finally gotten around to processing it, and I think the most noticeable development it started in me was my newfound desire to travel.  I've always wanted to be a "world explorer," meeting new people and traveling to exciting places, just so I could see the world.  But now that I've had the smallest taste of that, and I know at least some of the downsides to that kind of an adventure, I feel like when I say, "I want to travel the world," I mean it now.  I know what's at stake, where I didn't before, but I also know what glorious things can happen as a result, and that prospect is exciting more to me than the fears are scary.

Then the summer started.  There was undeniable culture shock as I moved back to the US, even just from England (which is not all that different), and that experience further opened my eyes, showing me what I felt I needed to change about my lifestyle, that, in some cases, it just wasn't a choice anymore.  It's one thing to say something is important to you, it's another thing to realize that you simply cannot live your life without it.  My transition back to the states, back to things, relationships, and interests that once felt comfortable to me made me see more clearly which pieces of myself I needed to put the effort into preserving, and which pieces I needed to weed out.  The process is ongoing and challenging, but as I said, I simply can't stop.  I believe there are certain foundational pieces of my personality and my life that, if I neglected them simply because they were hard, I would be lying to myself about who I was, which would make my life hard to live anyway.  It's a lose-lose, in a [pessimistic] sense, but I think the intentional, challenging way is the more sustainable and rewarding way.

So that's where I was around the middle of June.  Tune in next time to hear about July.

<3 spadeALLcross

26.7.11

The time is coming [the walrus anticipates]...



What?  Yes!  Please!

So much excitement, I can't even.

<3 spadeALLcross

19.7.11

The time has come, [the Walrus said]...

It's been a few days since I saw HP 7.2, and I now feel solid enough in my opinion of it to review it.  Not in-depth, as I don't think anyone who reads this blog really cares about the play-by-play of a movie they could easily watch themselves, but at least enough to discuss the parts that struck me the most.

WARNING: Spoiler City up in hurr.

I walked into the theater last November for the midnight showing of HP 7.1 with very low expectations.  I've been to every midnight showing of a Harry Potter movie since Prisoner of Azkaban as a tradition, but have never actually liked the movies.  But after HP 7.1 was over, I was incredibly and pleasantly surprised by its quality.  The filmmakers had definitely made choices that I didn't understand, like not including the invisibility cloak, rushing through an introduction of Bill Weasley, and skipping over so much of Harry's Dumbledore-related angst.  But the movie did a much better job than its predecessors of staying true to the depth, vision, and feeling of the book.  Things were dark, scary, and hopeless, and the comic relief came in short bursts of smiles before nail-biting drama struck again.

So Thursday night, my expectations were high for a Harry Potter film for the first time in seven years.  And when the credits rolled, I was less disappointed than I could have been. I think the movie did as good a job adapting the book as it could have, given the circumstances.  Ending a series beloved by so many people and trying to include all of the bits that audience would expect--"The Prince's Tale," Molly-Bellatrix dueling scene, Neville's defeat of Nagini, many of the priceless bits of dialogue sprinkled throughout, etc.--while still creating an enjoyable movie that wasn't absolute Hell to sit through is a task that I do not envy.

Because the job was such a hard one, I'm quite happy with the way the movie turned out.  It does, however, solidify in my mind that the books outstrip the films in every way that counts.

The movie didn't really include anything about the Hallows at all.  It registered their existence and sort of nodded to the fact that Harry possessed all three by the end of the war for Hogwarts, but it didn't show the struggle that Dumbledore had faced, like so many others within and -out of fiction have faced, throughout his life of trying to use them to overcome death.  Dumbledore's ascension to the position of Hogwarts' Headmaster and decline of the position of Minister of Magic was hardly mentioned, if at all.  Harry's choice not to try to beat Voldemort to Dumbledore's tomb and take the Elder wand didn't happen.  Voldemort's fear of death was downplayed in favor of his fear of defeat.  These choices changed the entire point of the Harry Potter story.  The saga went from a relatable tale of young people overcoming internal and external obstacles by learning to think for themselves while still relying on others, a tale of friendship and bravery, of unity and mutual respect, of trusts lost and regained, to a coming-of-age story that no one can ever identify with, since it's set in a fictional world whose struggles are nothing like ours.

In the first book and movie, Quirrell/Voldemort says, "There is no Good and Evil; there is only power and those too weak to seek it."  This is the theme of the Deathly Hallows; the internal battle between action and inaction, the conscious decisions Harry, Dumbledore, and Voldemort each make in their separate quests to "win," and each person's individual definition of what "winning" means.

All three of them have different relationships and responses to power.  Voldemort obviously desires to increase his own power.  As a child and a student he uses his innately strong magical power to bully and coerce those around him, to make them see how strong he was, to make others see how week they were.  He also hones his social power to ensnare people who have more actual authority than he does in order to use their power to his advantage.  But the only reason he wants any of this power is his fear of death.  He fears the unknown that comes after death, and he spends most of his life ensuring that he will never have to face it.  It is his search for ways to overcome death that brought so much of his power, and once he believes he has achieved immortality, he knows that he is better, stronger, smarter than everyone else in the world, including Dumbledore.  Because, if anyone else were as talented and as driven as he was, they would have created horcruxes as well, they would have done the things he had done, because death was something everyone feared.  How could they not?  He could not see any other way of approaching the power he had discovered.  He could not see why anyone would not want to live forever.  What was the point of a whole and pure soul if it could be destroyed?

Meanwhile, Dumbledore also desires power his whole life.  Similar to Voldemort, he sharpens his magic and knowledge from a young age.  Perhaps it is Dumbledore's habit of (born out of his opportunities for) relying on other people that allow him to have friends at school who then keep him from becoming the lone-ranger that Voldemort is.  Maybe Dumbledore's quest is more for knowledge and study than it is for power.  But for whatever reason, Albus gets through school without attempting to take over the world.  However, once school is over and his mother's death forces him to settle back in at home to take care of his younger brother and sister, he feels trapped in an inferior life.  His belief that he could do more with his talents, should be allowed to move forward, fuels his friendship with Grindelwald, someone who agrees with Albus that he was made for better things.  Maybe Gelert has a more straightforward desire for power for the sake of power than Dumbledore does, but Dumbledore, blinded by love and a feeling of partnership he probably didn't feel with anyone else and isn't getting from anyone in his broken family, dares to dream with Grindelwald.

Dumbledore's crippling fear that made him seek power wasn't death, but stagnation, discomfort, and intellectual restraints.  Where Voldemort wanted the horcruxes primarily to ensure his eternal existence and only secondarily used the power he had gained from making them to subjugate those he thought were weaker than him, Dumbledore and Grindelwald wanted the Hallows primarily to place their superior intelligence and talent rightly on top where it belong, and only secondarily to allow themselves to live forever.

Albus is shocked out of his desire for power by the loss of his brother, sister, and best friend/boyfriend in one fell blow, and for a while, his fear overshadows  his guilt.  His grief over his lost loved ones and his knowledge that he is at least partly responsible keeps him from grabbing power where he can. But that fear of discomfort is something he struggles with his entire life, between desiring power over other, lesser people, as he exhibits when he borrows the cloak from James Potter, and wanting power over his grief, as he demonstrates by attempting to bring Ariana and his parents back from the dead with the resurrection stone. But he is always disgusted by his relationship to power, which is why the Elder wand is safe with him. He doesn't trust himself, and he doesn't trust the wand, so he remains headmaster of Hogwarts and keeps his own power and the wand's in check.

Unlike Dumbledore and Voldemort, Harry does not want power. All his life he is powerless, alone, and mistreated, much like Voldemort, but at school, he gains friends and fame, like Dumbledore. His fame does not treat him well; it makes him as many enemies as friends, and it gives him as many problems as solutions. Some of his fame is based on his own talent, and some of his success comes from skill, but he knows that an equal, if not greater amount comes from luck, chance, and the providence of others, and between this knowledge and the pains his fame gives him, he doesn't get as big a head as he could. Instead of focusing on overpowering others, he genuinely tries his best to do what he thinks is right. What he thinks is right is not always the most intelligent course of action, but he is only a teenager, and he is often dealing with the complex power schemes and magic of adults much stronger and smarter than he is. He knows that he isn't good enough to do everything by himself, but he also knows that doing something was too important to leave entirely to someone else. He is the perfect combination of Voldemort and Dumbledore, of relying on himself and relying on others, of choosing to act and choosing to wait, of having a will to live without putting it above everything else. If he has a crippling fear, it is that he was not worth dying for: that his parents and his friends loved him too much and for no reason. Instead of driving him to take power wherever he can find it, his fear dives him to be the best person possible, fighting for the best causes he finds.  His fear makes him constantly reevaluate his actions and his goals, to know himself...something Dumbledore learned too late, and Voldemort never learned at all. Because of this, he gets all three Hallows and learns what it really means to be Master of Death. Not to live forever, but to embrace the inevitable end, to know that it's coming, and to not fight it once it arrives.

So many themes regarding life and what it means to be human float in and out of Harry Potter: persistence in the face of overwhelming adversity, unlikely forgiveness, the importance of friendship, the need for humility, and so on and so forth.  A lot of them feel cliché when said aloud, which is probably why people call Harry Potter fans "nerds."  The story is a coming-of-age adventure; how could it not be with a group of adolescents as the protagonists? But its fan base is proof that its characters and plots speak to more than just adolescents and that the series is more than a mere didactic fairy tale about the ideal human being.

The major overarching theme of the whole series is not cliché or nerdy, but a real question that people ask themselves constantly, whether they take note of it or not.  The theme is expressed in that striking quote of Quirrell's: "There is no Good and Evil; there is only power and those too week to seek it." The question Harry Potter asks is whether Good seeks power, and whether not seeking power is a weakness. Harry, Dumbledore, and Voldemort represent three case studies in dealing with power that can show us our own feelings about the subject.

But the movies do not focus on that aspect of the books. It makes sense that they wouldn't: in order to do so, all of the movies would have had to have been much longer and probably would have included more scenes of exposition and talking than of action and excitement, and that's not exactly what a movie is best at. As it is, the movies portray a good story about children becoming adults and overcoming the obstacles their parents and mentors could not.

So, while I certainly can't say I love the movies as much as I love the books, I'm not surprised or upset by their inability to match up with each other. When I drink whiskey, I drink whiskey, and when I drink water, I drink water.

And I'm sad that Harry Potter is officially over, but I can't afford to care too much for too long.  Everyone has different experiences with literature, and I have confidence in mine and shouldn't worry for anyone else's, since I can't control it anyway.

Here's to you, Harry. And here's to many happy years of your own immortality, one you gained without Hallows, without Horcruxes.

Now...if only Hogwarts were real...

<3 spadeALlcross

10.7.11

The last week of our lives...

Okay, so maybe that's a bit dramatic.  But this does feel like a momentous week for me.  Why?

Harry Potter 7.2 comes out on Friday.  And then, besides the enigmatic pottermore, there will be nothing new that is Harry for the rest of my forseeable life.  Some people reading this are rolling their eyes: Mary, it's just a book series.  There are hundreds of thousands of millions.  Just pick up a new one.  And to those people, I say, I have.  No, my life is not ending, and books are not ruined for me forever (thank God...as they are my livelihood at this point).  But this is like...a symbol.  My childhood is over.

I'm 21.  I guess I should have seen this coming.

But when I went to the 4th of July carnival in my town this year and rode all the rides I wanted to in under an hour...or when I went with my best friend to Great America last year and took a nap in the parking lot...or when I bought a friggin' mutual fund...it became more real than it was when I blew out those 18 candles or recovered from my first hangover or had to start going to the grocery store by myself.  Adulthood requires new forms of fun, it has its own new challenges, new temptations, new disappointments.  Just when I was getting the hang of the old ones.

And Harry Potter's vanishing into the void of literary and cinematic used-to-be is the most painful and final reminder of all these changes.

Because Harry was my childhood.  I went to see the first movie for my 11th birthday party.  I was seventeen when I read the final book.  I was Harry Potter for Halloween in fourth grade.  I've gone to the midnight showings of every movie since The Prisoner of Azkaban, even though I didn't like the movies until 7.1 came out last November.

So naturally, I'm a little vexed by default.

But I've decided that, instead of mourning a loss, (which is dumb, because I'm not actually losing anything: I mean, I wasn't in the movies, they weren't paying my salary or anything.  In fact, I'm probably gaining a lot of money, since I will be spending less on Harry Potter miscellany) I'm going to celebrate hard and happy and not miss a minute of it.

So, starting tomorrow, I'm doing my four-day countdown of my favorite characters on Facebook, using their Leaky widgets (by Makani) as my profile pictures, their best quotes as my status, and their house colors as my wardrobe.  I'm also listening to my meager supply of Harry-Potter-esque music, which is comprised of Draco and the Malfoys, Harry and the Potters, Hank Green, and Jim Dale from the audiobooks, as well as two versions of one gem.

Tune in tomorrow for pictures and smiles!

<3 spadeALLcross

P.S. Oh, were you wondering if I was just going to ignore the past two months or whatever that I didn't post, and the fact that I didn't even finish my Easter Holiday blogs?  Why yes, yes I was.  Thanks for your concern.

19.4.11

Parlé vous l'Englais?

(I just guessed on the spelling of that title. Let me know how I did.)

First full day in France! …and oof, what a full day it has been.

Itinerary for this post:

A. Start by summing up all the stuff I was going to write yesterday and didn't
B. Then move on to talking about the stuff I did today

Itinerary for future posts:

A. Thirdly, some thoughts on being an American (particularly this American) in France
B. Interesting, France-inspired etymological studies

Yesterday [feels like weeks ago] was a bit nerve-wracking at the time because we had to get a train to London, then a tube to the Stansted station, and then a train from there to Stansted Airport. I started freaking out about this the night before because I was worried about the time crunch, but I tried not to let it show too much, because getting us both worried about it was definitely going to cause more harm than good.

In the end, it worked out with nearly 15 minutes to spare. Not only that, but all of my worries about my luggage being overweight or having too many liquids, or about not getting through security or not being allowed in France were [mostly] unfounded (though my bag was only .1 kilograms under the limit…close one). In the end, getting from England to France was a breeze, really.

But then we hit a considerable wall: the airport was north of Tours, France, and the hotel we had booked was in Chambray-les-Tours, which is quite south of Tours. Lea had supposed that there would be an ATM and perhaps a pay-phone in the airport, or that taxis would come to the airport regularly. However, as it turned out, Aeroport de Tours (or whatever…) consists of two rooms, one for departures, and security, and one for arrivals and baggage claim, and there were no taxis that we could see.

So we wandered around the airport a bit, went to the bathroom, contemplated trying to call a taxi from the phone we found (complete with phone book) but, to our luck, a taxi did pull up, and the driver even spoke English relatively well, though Lea did her level best to speak as much French as possible. He took us to a cash machine in a mall and then to our hotel. We walked back to the mall for dinner of cold pasta and club sandwiches, as well as pomegranate-cranberry juice (imported from California? Come on, France. Step up your pomegranate game) purchased from the largest supermarket I have ever seen outside of the 28th-Street Meijer in Grand Rapids.

Then, this morning, I scarfed a pains au chocolat (Lea bought a 10-pack or some such monstrosity the previous night) for breakfast, we checked out of our hotel at 9:30, and huffed it back to the mall, looking for either another taxi to the train station, or a pay phone with which to call one. We found neither forthcoming, but Lea conversed with a clerk at a desk in the aforementioned supermarket and found out that there was a pay phone outside somewhere. We found the appropriate calling card to use, and she called a Taxi.

Where would I be without Lea on this trip? Stuck at that airport still. Guaranteed. She doesn't speak much French, but the little that she does speak has been such a lifesaver, at least for me, who couldn't even pronounce anything before yesterday (I'm getting better by listening to people) let alone read signs or tell people anything. Especially in Tours, where not many people spoke English.

Glowing with the success of having called a taxi in French (something neither of us had ever done in English) we got to Gare de Tours and bought train tickets to Amboise. Glowing with the success of having gotten off at the correct stop, we purchased tickets to Chenanceau, a Chateau south of Amboise. We also bought tickets from Chenanceau to Paris for the evening. Saddened by our failure to recognize that the connecting train we had researched form Amboise to Chenanceau went through Tours (albeit a different station than the previous one), we finally got to the Chateau around 3:30. Neither of us was really upset, though, because the extra train ticket wasn't too costly, and the adventure of using the different language was exciting enough to blanket our frustration.

Then, without issue, we managed to spend nearly four hours at Chateau de Chenanceau. It's renown as one of the most beautiful of the Chateaux of the Val de Loire, which has at least a dozen Chateaux, so it's kind of a big deal. It's on a river (literally) and has two exquisite gardens, and it boats five French queens as previous residents. Lea got an audio guide and I just walked around with her and took pictures. I was disappointed by my lack of knowledge of French history, which is interesting, because until this semester, I was equally ignorant of British history. Walking around this beautiful castle helped me to realize just how much I've learned these past three months.

Naturally, you can expect pictures of the Chateau to be forthcoming…but probably not for at least a couple weeks.

We then caught our train to…some station with a connection to France. At this connecting station, we had a 30-minute layover, so we wandered into the concourse and bought crisps, gummy worms, and soda from a vending machine (yes, sadly, my experience of French cuisine is still yet to come) and ate it while we waited.

The train to Paris was express, no stops, and was also the first time we had our tickets checked since the stewardess scanned our boarding pass on the plane to Tours. We were too sheepish to take any of the seats that people were occupying with their luggage, so we stuck to the lounge car in the very back of the train, and eventually just sat down on the floor there. It was only a 1.5 hour ride, and I read Pride and Prejudice the hole time, so it was fine for me. I don't know about Lea.

At one point, the other boys in the car with us starting making obnoxious kissing noises (although, if anyone really makes those noises naturally while kissing, they are probably doing something wrong) in a manner which suggested to me that they wanted us to look at them, but I just kept reading and Lea just kept looking out the window, so they eventually stopped. Thus ended the excitement of that voyage.

After the train ride was the crazy part where we had to find the hotel. We managed to get another taxi (the driver spoke no English this time, but we had the address written on the paper, so it wasn't too bad, although I think he definitely took advantage of our foreignness and drove around a bit) but we hadn't made any hard and fast booking for our two nights in Paris (that was technically Lea's job…) so there were no vacancies there. Thankfully, the receptionist called two or three other hotels in the area until he found one with a room free, and then he gave us directions. (When I say "thankfully," imagine the Hallelujah chorus playing in the background…)

Now we're here, I managed to snag some cheap internet, and we're looking at stuff to do tomorrow and the next day. Very exciting stuff.

It's quite late here now, and I am longing for sleep. Again, I have so much I want to say before I forget it, but I took quick notes today, so I should remember them for tomorrow.

Bien nuit! (did I say that right?)

<3 spadeALLcross

18.4.11

Bienvenue!

Bonjour!

Long time no see, eh, comrades?  Sorry about that.  Life got in the way of the internet for a while there.  I'm sure you understand the experience.

Obviously, I've had a very full plate the past couple weeks; I had a term paper due, my boyfriend came to visit me, I had another term paper due, and, most excitingly, Easter Break began!  The English take three weeks off at Christmas and three weeks off at Easter (which explains so much about why students actually went home for the Easter holidays at Hogwarts...) so, starting after classes let out on April 8th, we all got three weeks entirely to ourselves.

Last week, my mom and brother came and we toured Scotland a bit.  I had a blast, and I can't believe how fast the week went.  In summation, the Scottish Highlands are by far the most beautiful and natural place I've ever seen, (all the wonders of the Rockies without the altitude and dry weather) and I definitely want to go back, while Glasgow leaves something to be desired, and Edinburgh is a wallet-sucker, albeit a lovely one.  I loved having people visit me, and it was great to show my family around to all the places I've been before, as well as experiencing new places alongside them.

Mom and Patrick left Sunday morning from Manchester, and I immediately returned to York to pack and prepare for the next leg of my Easter adventure: a ten-day excursion with my friend Lea (from Calvin) to France and Germany, followed by a four-day stint in London with the Calvin group.

We left York this morning at 10:29, and, after a bit of tubing and training and planing, we arrived in Tours, France, at 5:15 (all local times, of course).  We hadn't realized that the airport in Tours was so small that it didn't even have an ATM...but luckily, we managed to get a taxi driver who sympathized with our plight and took us to our Hostel by way of a "commercial center" (mall) with a cash machine inside.  (I'm sure he had a healthy dose of personal gain in this bit of assistance, but without his help, we'd probably still be at that airport, penniless and tired, so I'm going to pretend I don't care that he might  have been stealing money from us).

By the time we had checked into our Hostel and walked back to the mall (the closest edible civilization, as our hostel is in Chambray-les-Tours, a sort of suburb far to the south of Tours) and found cold pasta in a supermarket there.  Yum.

Since then, we've been planning our trip to some Chateau tomorrow and watching French period dramas and dubbed British and American television, including Jurassic Park 2, The Closer, and the BBC Merlin.

As my journal is running low on pages, I might update this blog more often for these next couple of weeks, just so I can get everything down that I want to.

I had so much more to write, but I am les tired.

<3 spadeALLcross

11.3.11

Here we are now, entertain us...

Sorry about the lack of post last week.  Aren't you glad I was moved enough by my church service to post twice the week before?

I've been keeping two journals for my entire trip: one imposed by myself (in order to facilitate the recollection of fond memories and because I find that I am less likely to let days slip away from me if I have to own up to my own listlessness at the end of the day by writing it down) and one imposed by my Calvin professor to prove that I'm learning something while here.

In both of these, I sometimes write very interesting things (if I do say so myself) so I think I'll put some here for your perusal.  That way you don't have to put up with another itemized list of my week's adventures, but can instead enjoy a magnified bit of my life from one or two days that I found important.

Enjoy!

25th February, 2011

Tonight at the Bratts’, we watched The Young Victoria. Its main focus is the romance between Victoria and Albert, their courtship and early marriage, and how Victoria overcame the trials of her childhood only with Albert’s help.

A lot of the movie romanticized a life that was quite a bit more depressing than Hollywood would like it to be—the industrial revolution in England was a heartrending time for the people, and Albert’s early death, and the early deaths of many of their children were nigh unbearable for Victoria herself. But from what I’ve learned, Victoria and Albert were at least very close to being as much in love as the movie portrays, and they probably had something very similar to the courtship shown in the movie.

To think about that made me wonder about relationships today and how everyone pushes for compatibility while Victoria and Albert met twice and exchanged tons of letters before they decided to get married. How could they have known how compatible they were?

Maybe we should all care more about finding someone we love and learning, through patience, faith, and practice, to love the parts of them that don’t quite mesh with our own. There’s a minimum of compatibility that needs to be reached, a happy medium that must be struck, but maybe searching for perfect every time is just selfish and, ultimately, unsatisfying. What is life, and also love, if it does not involve conflict and resolution, as well as constant reform?

26th February, 2011

We went to Fountains Abbey today, the ruins of the richest Abbey in England before the dissolution of the monasteries by Henry VIII. In the 19th century, the lord of the neighboring estate took up gardening to pass the time, made the beautiful water gardens that are there now, and his son bought the ruined abbey to complete the picturesque landscape.

It was a gorgeous, warm, sunny day, perfect for wandering the grounds, and I was completely swept up in the place. I climbed trees and rocks and up muddy embankments and tried to walk over waterfalls…it brought out so much of an old, lost version of myself that has been lying dormant since early in high school. The me of my childhood that loved camping for the sake of playing in dirt, and who wanted to sit on the bank of every river and dip her feet in. Fountains made me miss my old spring breaks spent in Eagle Rock, Missouri growing up. Some of my fondest memories come from those trips, when the leaves were first beginning to turn, and the sun would work to burn through the clouds each morning, having just enough energy afterwards to keep the day moderately warm.

I’m finding that a lot with travel in England; it is turning me into a new person; a more culturally aware person, but also a more self-aware person. A person who knows who she is and all of what she can be, and is seeking to reconcile those two beings. England has taught me a lot about the world and about myself, and the sunlight and water sounds at Fountains Abbey helped me to actually feel that for the first time.


10 March, 2011

Yesterday, Josh D, Abby, Gabe, and I went to All Saints Church just before their Ash Wednesday service to look into doing it for our upcoming museum reports. The church building itself was a bit smaller than St. T’s and the congregation was significantly smaller—however, this being a midweek and seasonal service, and with there being the option of an Ash Wednesday service later that night, there was no way of telling how large the actual full congregation would be.

We walked in to look around, and a man at the back of the church who was sitting, waiting for the service to begin noticed us with our cameras and notebooks, and just stood up and gave us a sort of impromptu tour, delineating for us the whole history of the building, from the Medieval times all the way up to a fire in the 1950s and the beginning of his own attendance, some fifty years ago.

That’s something I’m noticing in England, and I don’t know if it’s just me or of it’s an actual cultural difference: people seem to have a better grasp on history, especially the general history of their country dating back to antiquity, but also specific histories of important buildings and cultures within their country. I don’t know how true this is of the younger people (although my flatmate who’s from Colchester did learn about Boudica in primary school and recalled making a portrait of her out of macaroni noodles on paper) but many of the older people are able to recount events from the Medieval times and earlier, specific details about the Minster and even Eboracum. I don’t even know when my hometown was founded, and I often forget that the Articles of Confederation ever existed.

It seems counter intuitive that people whose country has millennia worth of history have less trouble recounting it than people whose country is less than three-hundred years old, but that is a trend I’ve been noticing.



In other news, I posted a new snidget today.  If you missed last weeks...don't worry about it.  Not much to see there.

Have a stupendous weekend.

<3 spadeALLcross

25.2.11

How much is that doggy in the window?

Happy Friday, World!

This week has been a blur...I don't really know where it went.  But there were some definite highlights, so I'll just hit those up and let you go on your way.

Saturday, as I mentioned before, we went to Cambridge with the York St. John University international department.  We met up with Paul Chaplin, my RA from last year, who's been living there for five months, and he showed us around.  It was a great day, even though it was raining and freezing and I was wearing precisely the wrong shoes for walking around (I'd woken up five minutes after I was supposed to leave to catch the bus, thanks to my alarm clock being analogue and in Roman numerals...).

Sunday was church at St. Thomas with St. Maurice.  I love that church so much.  I wish I could take it with me back to the states.

After church five of us went to the Bratts' house for Sunday dinner/lunch.  So much food.  So much delicious food.  And I love those people.  Such a good day.

A little while after that was tea and toast (a fortnightly tradition at St. T's) which was mostly inhabited by Calvin students, but it was great to talk to everyone about their spring break plans, and talk to Stephen, Laura, and Hannah, who go to St. T's and organized the event.  Stephen used to work on the railways before he became a vicar, I guess, and he has some great stories about the old steam trains (including the Hogwarts Express!  He rode the real thing!) and is generally just a great and funny guy.

Monday, we went to Leeds.  [Insert excitement here.]  It was fun, but I'm kind of sick of talking about it. We saw the Royal Armoury Museum and the Leeds Art Museum, which were fun to see in conjunction with each other, because there was some interesting overlap between the wartime exhibits in the art museum and the parallel exhibits in the Royal Armoury.  And both were free.  Brilliant.

Tuesday...Wednesday...

Thursday! (This one's a long one...)
A bunch of us went to the National Railway Museum on Tuesday to ride the Hogwarts Express (just the engine was available, since the cars are just regular steam-engine cars, as I understand it), and while we were there, we saw that they had actors dressed up as Harry, Hagrid, and Dumbledore.  We didn't manage to get pictures with them, and some people had to leave to be on time for a meeting, so we left without any bounty.

But Lea and I weren't done trying.  We went back Thursday morning specifically to get pictures with Harry.  That's right; it's a half-hour walk one-way, plus we didn't know how long we'd have to wait for him...you only wish you were this hard core of a fan...of HP impersonators...

We got there around 10:30 because we knew that he would be in the 11:00 magic show and we didn't know if he'd be available for that first bit.  Turns out he wasn't, so Lea and I just hung around awkwardly, making jokes about how awkward we felt because this whole NRM wizard week was meant for primary school children on half-term holiday, and there we were, 19 and 21 years old, more excited about this than those kids, just because we wanted to take a picture with a guy who marginally resembled the guy who plays Harry Potter in the movies.

[The Magic show was awful.  Totally bastardized all the HP themes, made a fool out of Dumbledore, and made up all sorts of lies about Hogwarts and Muggle-Magic relations.  Very not okay.]  Then, after the show, the actors said they'd be right back to take pictures with people.  This was around 11:20.  From 11:25 to 12:00, we stalked Harry. Hard core (parkour! almost...).

[When they came back, Dumbledore was first, and he sot of knocked over the rope line around the little stage right next to where Lea and I were standing--everyone else had left--and he looked at us and said, "That's the Domino theory for you.  Except worse."  It was funny, but his voice was kind of creepy...]  Harry Came out eventually, and we just stared at him. Neither of us had the guts to ask him for a picture, so we were just staring.  [He asked if we were using "Muggle image capturing devices." Wtf?  Harry was raised by muggles.  He knows what cameras are...] He told Lea she looked like a Weasley.  Then he walked into the throng of children that had swarmed up behind us.  Lea and I, kicking ourselves for not being Gryffindors, followed him as best we could.  After a few moments, though, they said they had to go to the other end of the museum.  So they cut through the narrow path through the diner that stood in the middle of the room between Queen Victoria's train and a train marked "Winston Churchill" (whether it was his or not, I do not know).

The crowd of children was following them, so Lea and I made to cut around the diner.  As Harry Cut in front of us, he looked at us and said, "There are two girls who look just like you back there."  We started cracking up.  I felt so silly, but it was such a good feeling to laugh at myself for doing something stupid because of a book I've loved for half of my life.  I don't know how to explain it...

We walked around the side of the diner, which had half walls with frosted glass at the top that were just at the right height to make it look like we were trying to be sneaky.  We probably looked like such creepers as we kept perfect pace with Harry.  Once we got to the end, they started taking pictures again, and we tried to get in, but were too cowradly.  After a moment, they started working their way back through the diner, so we walked around again, crossed paths yet again, and got funny looks from Harry and Dumbledore.  Once they reached the platform stage thing again, they climbed up and started posing. So dumb.  Weird looking, too.  Like synchronized slow-motion disco.

Then finally, as they made to walk outside, Lea and I both, at least, managed to yell, "Harry!  Can we get pictures?" He said, "Sure, just follow us."  So we did.

Out into the sunlight, onto the platform of the Hogwarts express, where we finally got our pictures.  There were still crowds trying to get pictures with them, but Harry pointed at us and said, "These girls have been following us for a long time."  Facepalm.  As I took Lea's picture, Dumbledore asked her, "Where are you from?"

"Michigan."

"Oh, that's a long way to travel by broomstick."

Best. Morning. Ever.

Later that night, I made scrumptious homemade mac and cheese using real cheeses, mushrooms, onions, garlic, oregano...ahhhh.  There's some left over that I'm having for dinner.  I'm exited about that.

And last thing...I cut my own hair.  Below is my demonstration of what it looks like.




Tomorrow, we're going to Fountains Abbey and Ripon.  And next Thursday, Katri's coming!

There is so much to love about this world.  Being this far away from the people and things that I care about, from everything that's familiar, and watching other people's lives unfold without me while I sit in England, feeling like I'm not doing enough to experience the culture...there have been a lot of downer times.  With everything awful that's been going on in the world recently, in New Zealand, Libya, Egypt, and daily awfulness that happens everywhere, it's been so easy to see the terrible.  Life has never been a squeefest.  But this trip is teaching me to appreciate the little things, like the sheer ridiculosity that happens when you cut your own hair, because sometimes they're all you've got.

Granted, England, Harry Potter, Katri's visit, and macaroni leftovers are no little things.  We can't forget those, either.

Tell me how your life is!  This blog is all about me, but I don't want my life to be all about me.  Email me!  Facebook me!  Skype me!  Send me a link to your blog!  I want to know what is going on in your lives, too.

<3 spadeALLcross

5.2.11

Don't wanna be an American Idiot

First week is up!  And now it's about time for a proper update, what do you say?

England is shaping up to be brilliant, and York is absolutely corking.  I don't mind saying that there have been some pretty rocky moments (usually hours...when I'm sitting alone in my room) when I have fleeting wishes to return home where everything is comfortable and familiar--if you'll remember my description of "my element," you'll understand why.  But I think those moments are mostly fleeting now.

Some highlights from this week:

- We went to Whitby last weekend (that first batch of uploaded pictures were from there).  I loved the coastal city so much.  It, not surprisingly, reminded me a lot of New England coastal cities like Boston, which have always been my favorite places in the world.  We had fish and chips, and I bought a set of "Royal Heritage" playing cards, where each card has a rendering of one of the kings or queens of England.  They're brilliant.

- I obviously started classes this week.  Aside from the courses "Studies British Culture" and "Rome and its Legacy in Britain" that are taught by a Calvin professor, I'm taking two courses through York St. John: "19th Century Writers" which is specifically British writers, and "Gender, Sexuality, & Popular Culture and Media" which is about a lot of things, primarily the way society and the media reflect back on each other regarding the way we look at genders and sexualities.  Both courses have so far proven to be both really interesting, with students and tutors who are talkative and interesting, and rather easy in terms of workload.  That's good, because the two Calvin classes are rather intense.

- I walked around the entirety of the open sections of wall around York.  Very exciting.

- I went grocery shopping.

- I had my first crumpet.  And my second.  And my third.  And that was before I started buying my own.  I've already gone through seven of those, as well.  Crumpets are amazing.  Especially with blackcurrant jam.

- I went to tea.  Twice.  Like, there was an event on Sunday called a tea, and I went to it.  Then there was another event on Wednesday called a tea, and I went to that as well.  I went to tea.

- I saw the movies The King's Speech and The Queen.  I have decided to make it my life's quest to study the British royalty, because they are fascinating to me.

- I got a 16-25 railcard.  Very good stuff.

- I got ranted at by an older woman on the street.  She had a very thick accent and was mumbling a bit as we walked down the street, so I don't really know what she said, but I think she was "damning [me] to the level of the Chinese theif" at one point, so I'm not sure I really want to know the rest.

- I made stir fry.

- I saw a street performer juggle footballs in the city centre.


I'm fully enjoying myself, and I hope all of you are enjoying yourselves as well.  I've posted a third snidget to YouTube.  Feel free to indulge if you feel so inclined.

<3 spadeALLcross

29.1.11

In Transit

This post shares its title with my first York-based snidget on the right sidebar of this page and on my YouTube channel.  Check it out if you haven't already.

I got to York and survived the trip with grace, I like to think.  The first day was grueling, getting through to the end with the lack of sleep, but I did pull through, and the next two days proved to be pretty successful as well.

I put up some pictures on facebook, and those of you with an account there (who are friends with me, or friends of my friends) should be able to see them easily.  For those of you without facebook, I've created a flikr account too, and you should be able to see that without an account for anything.  That can be found here. 

We went to Whitby harbor and abbey today.  Quite enjoyable.  Great fish and chips.  And Black current tea!  Yum.

Today is over for now, tomorrow is an adventure.
<3 spadeALLcross

23.1.11

All I know is that the world looks beautiful, the world look so damn beautiful...

I didn't do any of the things that I said I would do...Big surprise there.

Things are getting exciting in my life.  In four days, I'll take an eight-hour plane ride and lose five hours of my life that I won't get back until June.  This is my last weekend in the only world I've ever known...to put it dramatically.  Well, it's 12:32 am.  Who isn't overdramatic right now?

I'm pretty psyched by now.  It took me a long time to get to the psyched: I was mostly scared up until a couple weeks ago or so, and I was worried and sad last week, but all those things have mostly shed by now to properly reveal the excitement that's been there, waiting in the wings for the past year and a half.

The United States has a lot of things and people that I'm going to miss.  For instance...do they sell mozzarella sticks in the UK?

Anyway, in order to keep up with the people over here whom I love and will miss, I'll be trying to keep at least a semi-regular travel-vlog on YouTube (a practice that is evidently requisite of all college students studying abroad these days...?).  I've already got a few trial episodes up there, just testing out soft- and hardware and trying to figure out what I want to use the thing for...but you can't see those unless I've already shown them to you.  Sorry about that.

But I'll probably have one up by next week, and I'll try to at least semi-update this blog every time I upload a video, so you can keep updated on those.  My YouTube account is "PKsDancingGirl," so feel free to subscribe (if you've got a google account).

Anyway...

A lot of the excitement is flavored with a bit of...I don't know what to call it.  An oversimplified way to put it is "fear of the unknown," but that's not wholly it.  Like I said, I'm not really scared anymore, not worried so much, but I just feel so unprepared, and I don't particularly like that feeling...ever in life.  My element is a rather small cave with a very narrow entrance that opens to an eternally stormy inlet, and when I get out of my element, I quickly feel uncomfortable.

Basically, I'm just warning you, that if the culture shock is bad, there might be a few angsty posts during the first few weeks.  Probably no reason for alarm.

I'm not making any promises on the vlog or blog, by the way: I plan on living my life...though I do love the internet.

<3 spadeALLcross

24.12.10

I refuse to stuff stockings.

I am now going to proceed to do none of the things that I promised I would do.
Don't worry; there's still time.

What I want to talk about now is some random Christmas and family stuff.

I love my family.  I love each and every one of the whole lot.  We're spread out around the country, and I love that, because it makes every meet-up a destination-vacation, without even trying.  Getting together to see family is never just an afternoon's worth of an ordeal.  We span days, sometimes weeks, and we always inevitably see too much of each other for our own collective good, but I personally never get sick of anyone.  That's all the old-folks' jobs.

That's another interesting piece of revelation I've recently had about my family.  We're all pretty old, and we've all been old.  Now, I guess I should clarify that when I say, "we" and "old," I mean them in the most general senses: I am not old, nor would I really call most of my family "old," but when we get together, so much of the conversations revolve around "us" being "old" and how none of us can stand it.

My aunts and my mother complain about their faces getting wrinkly, my cousins and I complain about college being harder than high school and how we don't want to become adults.  My uncles and father complain about how they can't hear or see (well, no, they complain that everyone talks so quietly and writes so small) and my sisters complain that their children are growing up.

My question is this: is there ever a moment after our seventh birthdays when we're content to be swept along in the progression of time?  Holding on to our childhoods, fearing the discomforts of what's to come...or, like when we're kids, wishing we were older, with big-kid privileges?

Or, better question: is there a way that a person can just learn to be happy where they are, knowing that they aren't going anywhere faster than sixty-seconds in a minute, and that's how it's always going to be?  I feel like, after the hustle to get to college and the scramble to feel like an adult, I've reached a point where I'm getting sick of looking ahead, and bored of watching my back.  I know there were high times and hard times in the past, and I know there are more of both to come.  I don't think dwelling on either of those eras of my life is very productive for the moment in which I am actually living.

I firmly believe I'm only as old as I want to be.  (Of course, you're going to tell me that that's because I'm 21).  My body may deteriorate slowly, and I may not be able to do the things I used to, and I may not enjoy them.  But every phase of life can be full of excitement and...well, life.  Sometimes, I'll see it immediately, and other times you might have to look around a bit.

Insecurity about your age is one of the worst kinds of insecurity, since it is the hardest to even pretend to control.  When you're insecure about your body weight, you can eat healthier or exercise.  When you're insecure about your singing voice, you can take lessons, or lip sync.  When you're insecure because you're too old or too young, you can't change to improve your confidence--you'll only act more foolish if you try--so you end up worrying about it constantly.  Why not work to let it go?

That turned into a rant.  Scwhoops.

But anyway, back to my family and Christmas.  We're not all together this year, which is upsetting, I think, to everyone.  For some of us, this year has been full of pains and fears, and we wish we could have each other to bring us out of them.  For others of us, it's been a really great year, and we want to get together to celebrate.  But for all of us, our desire to be with family this year is not being wholly fulfilled, as we're all celebrating Christmas in our own abodes around the country.

It almost doesn't feel like Christmas because of that.  I'm scared it will be just like any other day.

But I get to see my brothers, my aunts, my uncle, my mom, my niece, my sisters and their families, my grandmother, and her caretaker.  It will be a full room tomorrow, as we gather around the tree, opening presents.

You know, I hate the commercialization of Christmas, and I refuse to buy meaningless gifts for people just because 'tis the season, but there really is something...strangely magical about sitting together with hoards of family, opening gifts and stockings, and eating eggs and sausage.

I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes.


<3 spadeALLcross

29.11.10

...and the winner is...!

ME!



That's right, ladies and germs, I FINISHED MY NOVEL A DAY EARLY!

PWNED.

FTW.

YOWZA.

ALL OTHER CONCEIVABLE REJOICING PHRASES HERE!

And to put the topping on the cake, I will herein unfold the last chapter I wrote, including the last 1K words, which were specifically for one Kathy Rittenhouse (EDIT: for those of you who bet on my progress for NaNoWriMo and can't remember what you bet, you can find the details here):


The men and Uma came back to camp around the same time, each man carrying at least a brace of conies, if not some form of larger or more plentiful game.  Tony, now practically a member of the married women’s quilting circle,  he was introduced to all the husbands and children, and the women, particularly Rachel and Polonia, vouched for him with their families, saying that he was an asset to the camp and that they would gladly accept them into their homes if he needed a place to sleep that was more fitting than Uma’s tiny hovel.
And although the sensible and level-headed Poplar seemed to actually like Tony by now, Toleman did not seemed wholly convinced that it was safe to have him in camp.
“How do we know this isn’t some elaborate ruse and that he’s really trying to pull one over on us so he can slaughter us in our sleep.”
“The man could barely chop scallions,” Therese said, rolling her eyes in what Tony had discovered was her characteristic way.  “We would have to be a sorry excuse for a camp indeed if we could not defend ourselves against the likes of him.”
“All the same, I’ll not let him within twenty paces of my cabin.”
“You’re cabin is even smaller than mine,” Uma said with a sharp laugh.  “We wouldn’t want your help anyway.”
Toleman looked hurt by Uma’s words, and Tony realized in that split second of silence where he looked at Toleman’s expression of both longing and sadness when he looked at Uma, that if he really did want to woo Uma, he’d have to fight for her.
And then, with a pop that sounded like a central-vacuum turning on and opening, everything around Tony froze, and out of nowhere, the strange, long-haired, invisible-eyed witchy woman appeared right next to Uma, leaning on her shoulder.  
“Well well well,” she said, her voice on the brink of laughter, “what have we here?  It seems that Mr. Graduate Degree in Narcissism has actually found someone he can love as much as himself.  Is that true, or do mine eyes deceive me?”
Tony blinked and looked around, confused, at the frozen world.  It was as if his life was a television screen and someone had pressed pause.  “Okay, that’s it.  Who are you?”
The woman smiled, stood up, and thrust her hand out in front of her, as if to prompt Tony to shake it.  “My name is Bonjo, damsel of distress.  It’s really has been a pleasure working with you thus far.”
Tony just looked at her hand.  “What?”
“I specialize in tomfoolery, have a degree in ballyhoo, work part-time for mayhem, and generally thrive on total chaos.”  She saluted him eagerly.  “You’ve been one of my pet projects for the past couple days.  I’ve really enjoyed the progress you’ve made so far, but I’m afraid that it might be because of the unfamiliarity of your environment.”
“What do you mean, I’ve been your pet project?”
“Well, you have obviously figured out by now that I am the one who brought you here, right?”
“Yeah, that incident with the field and the wolves and the random treadmill  in the middle of nowhere kind of tipped me off on that one.”
“I’m proud of your observational skills.”  She nodded sagely.  “I did all of this for your benefit.  You see, you are, what we call in the business, an ‘orderly.’  You try to organize too much of your life, putting yourself into a dangerous box that keeps you from realizing your full potential.  I brought you here to take you out of that box.”
Tony raised an eyebrow.  “Excuse me?” 
Bonjo shook her head, as if she were mourning something.  “This conversation is a result of your self-imposed box.  If you would just let go of your death-grip on reality, let yourself go a little bit, give in to the imagination and spontaneity you were born to have, you would have a lot easier time believing me and moving on with your life, if you had any reason to talk to me at all.”
“So, basically, you’re trying to make me as crazy as you are?”
“Oh, gaawwd no,” Bonjo said exaggeratedly.  “I am the last thing I want  you to be.  If I were human, I would be so out of balance, I would hardly be able to breathe.  I simply want you to be more chaotic than you are, since right now, you are more lawful than you need to be.”
“Wait, you’re not human?”
“I’m technically only half a being,” she sighed.  “But you’re getting off topic.  This is not about me.  This is about you and your little female friend over there.”
“Who?” Tony asked feigning innocence.
“Let’s not try to play that game,” she said, raising an eyebrow.  “Little Uma over there is a real person, with real feelings and a real brother and all that.  Just because you think you’re in some sort of dream doesn’t mean you can treat her as if she’s a fictional character.”
Tony narrowed his eyes.  “Okay, I actually don’t know what you’re talking about now.”
“You’ve been doing a pretty good job since yesterday of keeping up with all the hitches I’ve thrown at you, from the wolves and the treadmill, to that walk through the cave, to the breakfast club this morning.  That dance epic while belting out Gloria Gaynor was quite the show, I must say.”
“Hey, now—“
“But I’m growing more and more leery that your seeming comfort with all of this is simply due to the fact that you’re convinced that all of this is fake, that you’re in some sort of dream state and are imagining all of this.”  She shook her head sadly again.  “It happens with my clients a lot, actually.  I throw too much at them at once and they get overwhelmed, and just blot everything out.  It’s one thing to become a balanced, contributing member of society in a fantasy dream world.  It’s another thing entirely to translate that way of life into your reality.”
Tony laughed.  “Okay, so you’re basically saying that I’m screwing up, but it’s your fault.”
“Oh, I certainly misjudged you, yes.  But you’re the idiot who thinks all of this is fake.”
“Well, what am I supposed to think when you’re messing with everything going on around me?  How could you do that if it weren’t fake?”
Bonjo laughed a high-pitched clear sound like tiny bells on a Christmas wreath decoration.  “You think I’ve waited until just recently to start interfering with your life?”  
Like a wave of color and fabric was washing over her, her shape changed into that of the woman at the coffee shop whom he had argued with for five consecutive days about the way he brewed her drinks.
“Recognize me?”
Tony didn’t say anything.  He just stared.
Then a second wave passed over her and she turned into his landlord, who he had been ripping off for the past six months by paying him in singles and leaving out at least $150 every month because he knew the man didn’t own a cash-counting machine and he secretly didn’t believe he could actually count for himself.
“Do you feel bad yet, for the way you treat people?”
“Not if that man was you the whole time.”
She rippled back into herself with a jolt like lightening and launched herself at him, tackling him to the ground and pinning his neck under her forearms.  “I told you,” she said, hissing into his ear, “these are real people.  You can’t just mess around with them and think there aren’t any consequences.”
He pushed her off of him with surprising ease and choked out, “Hey, it’s your involvement that’s got me thinking they’re fake—“
“I never said I became them.  I only manipulated them to affect you.”
“Oh, so it’s okay for you to manipulate people, but it’s not—“
“I told you, I’m not human.”
“So you’re above the law?”
“I am the law!” Her black dress turned into a flowing judge’s robe and her hair turned into a long, white powdered wig.
Tony deadpanned.
Her face cracked from a stern, even angry expression to an irrepressible grin instantly.  “Bah ha ha,” she blurted out, clapping her hand over her mouth.  “I couldn’t help it.  It was just so perfect,” she said from between her fingers.”
Her appearance returned to its original state, and she brushed herself off while clearing her throat.  “Anyway, this is all just to say that I think you need some continued intensive work.”  She snapped her fingers and everything around them fell away as if the Earth had dropped out from under them, leaving nothing but one of those vast white rooms that seems to go on forever that they use for car commercials and the Matrix movies.
“Wait,” Tony yelled, lunging at the empty space where Uma had just been seconds before.  He stumbled and fell onto his knees.  “What did you do?”
To his horror, Bonjo smiled.  “I see my plan is working,” she said, her voice soft.  “I just have a little test for you, and then you and your little lady friend can be merrily on your ways, galavanting about the world, having a gay old time.”
“What sort of test?” Tony asked, looking up at her from the ground.  
She didn’t say anything, but made a dramatic move with her hand, bringing it around and over her head, while bringing the other one down near her waist, and shaping her fingers in the poise of two snaps.  
“Ida Rango!” she said, then snapped twice, doing some sort of seductive salsa dance move with her hands and stomping her feet, and with a loud crack that echoed throughout the endless room, she was gone.
Tony sighed heavily and pushed himself to his feet.  By the time the soles of both his shoes were planted firmly and flatly on the ground, the starkly white room was replaced by a stage floor filled with fake fog and reaching arms whose bodies he could barely make out beyond the limited visibility of the fog.  There was scaffolding all around the perimeter of the stage, and women were dancing in cages hovering dozens of feet in the air  
He turned behind him and looked out beyond the blinding lights into the house, and he could make out the shapes of what had to be hundreds of people sitting in plush red velvet chairs.  He looked down at his own body and saw that he was wearing tightly fitting white pants that had artistically place rips along the thighs and shins, and he had a sort of torn sash barely covering a diagonal strip from his shoulder to his opposite hip.  He felt a headband constricting the flow of blood to his head, and felt sweat beading up on his arms, chest, and face.
It was his worst nightmare; he had been thrust into some perverted disco movie, and he knew in his heart, the only way to escape was to dance his way to freedom.
Suddenly, the thudding dance music that had been playing grew stormy, and Tony watched a spotlight move from him to a place up stage onto one of the scaffoldings.  There, sliding down banisters and suggestively wrapping slender athletic legs around poles and hand rails, was Uma, dressed in a red sequence unitard with a glittering gold headband around curly brown hair Tony hadn’t seen before.  Though the movements of her body were fluid, graceful, and beautiful, her face looked horrified.
Evidently, this was her worst nightmare too.  
“Curse you, Bonjo,” Tony said under his breath.  “I thought you said this was a test for me.  Why did you have to pull her into it?”
She came to a break in the scaffolding, and, held at the wrist by two men dressed like dominatrixes, began gyrating heavily, thrusting her pelvis at angles not seen in nature.
Tony was surprised by how calm he felt about all of this.  Not only was he not freaking out at the idea of being on a stage and being expected to perform dance feats he’d never even tried to imagine pulling off, but he was not even remotely turned on by Uma’s seductive dance movements.
The men holding her lowered her knees on to his shoulders.  He turned her slowly around and slid her slowly to the ground, where she gave him a quick look of terror, before taking off backwards into the fog with long, dancing steps.  
Tony chased after her like a panther stalking his prey, but he tried to convey to her with his face that he was just following a script already set out for him, that he didn’t want to scare her, and that he wasn’t any better at dancing than she was.
He grabbed her arm and spun her close to him, and they danced and lept together across the stage, before she did an amazing back bend and he followed the curve of her body with his chin.  Then they both stood up and he spun her again before dragging her off behind him slowly and rhythmically.  He whispered into her ear, trying to keep his ragged breaths even enough so that she would understand him.
“I don’t know what’s going on, but I swear I’m going to get you out of this.”
She broke away from him and dance forward on gazelle-like toes, and they chased each other flirtatiously in an elegant game of cat-and-mouse.  When they met at center stage, he held her in another fierce backbend, and then spun her through the air in a sweeping circle, as if she were a banner he were waving for the whole world to see.  He held her on his back while she did slow, strong kicks in the air, and as the music grew in momentum, the zombie chorus dancers popped up out of the smoke like daisies and began pulsating like waves crashing against rocks on the beach.  
Uma made a violent dancing gesture that Tony couldn’t have described if he had been asked to, and disappeared.  Tony leapt like a frolicking white-tailed deer around the stage looking for her, and while he was standing in one corner, he was accosted by a woman who jumped on to his leg and began swinging herself around his pelvis.  If he hadn’t been caught by surprised and slightly revolted, he might have enjoyed it.  While she sat there on top of him, more of the zombie dancing women gathered around him and he felt compelled to push her off so that he could jump out of the crowd and skip across the front of the stage, spinning and dancing all the way.  Another zombie woman jumped him when he got there, but he fended her off with the grace and poise of a love-struck swan prince, and turned to find Uma running at him.  
She broke into his arms and he spun her around in the air again, letting her hips gyrate unnaturally again, and supporting her as she did nauseating backbends in his hands.  She kicked her leg high into the air, stood up, and ran off into a sea of zombie woman dancers, then turned around and ran at Tony.  
This was it.  The part he was most afraid of.  The part he’d seen in a couple dozen dance-related movies from the eighties that completely wowed him and made him awfully glad not to be a male dancer.
She leapt into his arms, and he caught her with his right arm, vaulting her into the air above his head while she held onto his shoulders and stretched her legs out behind her.  Then, as the drums in the song beat the final cataclysmic cascade of bass beats, he dropped her onto the ground, holding her back with his hands and looking down at her sweaty, frightened face.  Her eyes were squeezed shut in a wince, expecting the worst.
After a moment that seemed to Tony to last a lifetime (wherein he envisioned himself growing old and adopting two sets of twins whom he would name Reggie, Martha, Pongo, and Perdita) the unseen audience began to clap and cheer, and he felt the breath return to his lungs.  
Unlike his counterpart of the silver screen, Tony did not attempt to kiss his dancing partner.  He just looked down at her and smiled.  “It’s going to be okay now,” he whispered to her.  “It’s all almost over.  I just have to strut a little bit, and then we’re done.”
Then the clapping stopped, the stage disappeared, and Tony and Uma were standing in their sweaty dance uniforms in the middle of Kings Cross Station, between platforms nine and ten.  Bonjo was standing awkwardly close to them, her face pushing in between theirs.
“Good job,” she whispered, her voice light and clear like the ringing bells.  “You both passed.”  She then walked slowly away, and Tony and Uma were left to deal with the dozens of confused Britons who were staring at them.
I believe all (but one) bets have come to their respective ends at this point.  If you owe me money based on our wagers, click the monkey to the right and follow his instructions.

If you're Ben and your wager with me technically goes until tomorrow...don't fear.  Your turn will come soon.

If you just want to donate, I'm still open for that, for sure.  Click the monkey and follow his wise words.

Stay tuned in the next couple of days when I will update my NaNo merit badges (I've earned four more since the last update...) and tell you more about my NaNo experience.  But now I've got to shower.

Thanks for all your support this past month!

<3 spadeALLcross

26.11.10

Turkey Day!

If you're reading this blog, I almost guarantee that I am thankful for you today!

Have a great weekend.  Eat until you've eaten so much that you'll never be able to eat again!  Sometime in the next couple days, I'll come around to changing the layout to Christmasy, including the music.  You'll love it, trust me.

Oh man, so excited for the holiday season!  It's the most wonderful time of the year!  


<3 spadeALLcross

18.11.10

Oh yeah...

...I also remember how much I love Avatar: The Last Airbender.  Not the movie.  Never the movie.






<3 spadeALLcross