Why am I different? [Me: Part IV]

After all of these changes that have happened to me, where I was more or less a passive attender, at least to most of them, I knew that I had to start taking an active role in my own life.  So the next important step along my new path was reflected a little in my post from August, where I talked about addictions.  I didn't have a set agenda of "here are the things that I don't like about myself that I think I need to change otherwise my soul is doomed to eternal damnation," but at the same time, I knew that the way I was living my life was not compatible with what God wanted for me, and I wanted to change.

Why?  For people who aren't religious or are anti-religious, that's probably a pretty serious question.  I know that, for me, the question has cropped up more than once, "If God exists, loves me unconditionally, and made no mistakes when he made me, why would he want me to change who I was for him?"  And, similarly, I have been asked the question, "Why would you want to let God control your life with a list of dos and don'ts?"  I think I can answer in a way that we can mutually understand, even if we don't agree on the existence or importance of God.  Let me know if I'm wrong about that.

I think the answer to the first question is rather simple, but I say that as a Christian, so I may be wrong.  Humans essentially are animals with a more complex societal structure.  We have physical bodies that have physical and emotional needs, like food, water, sex, relationships, etc, like most animals do, but we also have dynamic cultural groups that help us determine the best and right ways to fill those needs.  Our parents, friends, teachers, random crickets and other societal buddies develop our conscience: they teach us, directly and indirectly, what foods are suitable to eat, how much water to use for what tasks, what kind of sex to have and when, what healthy or effective relationships look like, and so on.  Sometimes our animal instincts fight against our social structures: my mom tells me to eat my peas because she knows they're good for me, but I don't like peas, so it makes sense that I wouldn't eat them.  The USPS is socialized in order to reach more people, but I really just want to send my package quickly so I can go take care of other things.  My hormones wouldn't mind me having sex when I'm 13, but my body doesn't realize the harm that could befall it if I made that choice.

Christians believe that it is our complex societal structure was created as "the image of God"; it's the divinity in us, and literally what separates us from the animals.  Christians believe that, when functioning at top form, our societal structure should reflect God's perfect design for humanity.  So, in those moments when our physical and emotional needs fight against of social upbringing, it's kind of like a battle between our divinity and humanity.  What non-Christians call a conscience, Christians call the Holy Spirit.  God wanted us to be humans seeking divinity, which is why we were created with flaws that would force us to struggle against ourselves.  Everyone has internal struggles, and Christians don't even necessarily have more than non-Christians.  They're just sometimes of a different nature.

On to the second question.  While we don't want to completely disown our humanity, because it was given to us for a reason, we believe that God has a more holy call for us, one that does not always allow us to indulge in our physical and emotional desires.  Our faith tells us that God's plan is better than one we could make for ourselves, and that it will meet our physical and emotional needs, just not necessarily in manners or timeframes we expect.  In order to partake in God's perfect plan for our lives, we need the Holy Spirit to be in control of our humanity, so that we'll be in the right place at the right time, so to speak.  Christianity is not a list of rules you must follow in order to get into heaven, it's a description of the kind of person whose conscience controls their humanity in such a way that they are a perfect conduit of divinity traveling from God to earth.

Certainly, if you are not a Christian, you don't believe that God is something you want to deliver to the earth, but you have other things, agendas, goals you want to deliver to the world around you, and you probably believe that, in any situation, there are correct and incorrect ways of delivering those agendas.  It's the same thing, it's just that my agenda is God's.

In my post from early August, I talked about addictions and how they're present in places other than just illicit substances.  Overcoming addictions is one of the big parts of being a Christian: the first commandment is "God is the only God.  Worship no other idols."  Anything that I could put before God, hold higher on my priorities than following God's plan for me, is a sort of idol.  I need to eschew all other idols, because they distract me from my real goal.  So, over the summer, that's what I started to do.

That's a whole other post right there, and a bit of it is quite personal, so I'm not going to go into detail.  Plus, this post is already dragging on, and I'm quite pleasantly surprised you've willingly come this far.  All I really want to say on this point is that I am struggling daily with things I've never bothered to struggle with, simply because the struggle was too hard.  The struggle is exciting, though, and I'm really enjoying myself in what I swear is a completely non-masochistic way.  I just mean, at this stage in the game, I'm feeling immediate relief, and seeing that change is really energizing.  At some point, the immediacy of results will taper off and the excitement will be harder to find, but as this stage strengthens my resolve and my faith, I feel confident that I will be able to stick it through.  I'm not alone, after all: I believe in a God who will be with me through everything, who does not put me into situations and leave me there, and who doesn't let me get in over my head.

So this leads me up to this point.  In my next post, the probable conclusion to the "About Mary" mini-series I've been constructing, I'll talk about my goals for the future...which are really the only reason I started this whole blog project in the first place...way back in Freshman year.

Goodnight and goodluck.

<3 spadeALLcross

Interjections (Well!) show excitement (Oh!) or emotion (Hey!)...

I said I'd post every Friday, but I hope I didn't say I'd only post on Friday.  If did, I'm sorry; I lied.

This morning in Church, we digested Matthew 6:24-34 --

24“No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.
Do Not Worry
25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^b?
28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

--and the speaker (I don't yet know what all the different positions are in the Anglican church) made a point of reminding us that God considers each of us as his treasure, his most cherished piece of creation, and that we could never fathom how much love he has for us.  If we did know, we would never get the impulse to worry, because we would know that we were completely safe in his love. She pointed to several individuals in the audience, saying, "You are his treasured creation, more loved and important to him than you could know. And you.  And you."

I think it's a struggle for many, if not most people to remember this day to day.  We know we're not perfect, we know the worst parts of ourselves, and we see ourselves in a constantly revolving state of failure.  Sometimes it's hard enough for us to believe that the people in our lives who say they love us really do; we wonder if our parents would rather they hadn't had children, if our spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends are quietly growing more and more distant because they're not really in it anymore and just don't know how to say it, if our friends, roommates, siblings, cousins, would, at any given moment, rather be with someone else than with us.  And these people aren't in touch with a whole world made up of billions of people who are easily more interesting, hard working, beautiful, smart, and just better than us.  God is.  How could he love us this much?

But the point is he does.

However, he doesn't just love us.  He loves everyone.  He loves each person in the world (and throughout the universe, I feel safe in presuming) as much as he loves us.  He loves Mahatma Ghandi as much as he loves me, and he loves Mother Theresa as much as he loves me, but he also loves Paris Hilton as much as he loves me, he loves haters on YouTube as much as he loves me.  He even loves Hitler as much as he loves me.

That's something that I have troubles with, far more than with the "he loves me" bit.  Because even though I can't get to the 100% knowledge of his love, there are moments when I feel it, and aspects of my life that affirm it's truth.  But the knowledge of his love for everyone is less reflexive and self-evident, and more of a muscles that must be continuously flexed.

I'm putting this post here so that, some day, when the need arises, I can return to it and remember.

<3 spadeALLcross

I couldn't possibly fit my big stuffed Eeyore through the eye of a needle...but I can't just leave him behind, either. He and I have spent fewer nights apart than my mother and I have...

This week has been hitting me over the head.  In general, it was one of the longest weeks I've had in a very long time: the days dragged on and there seemed to be no respite, except for Thursday, which was glorious, but also tumultuous for its own unique reasons.  More specifically, though, this week seemed to have an agenda.

It's like, Sunday said to last Saturday, "Hey, if you could go back, get the buddies together, and get one message through to this kid, what would it be?" and Saturday told Sunday, and Sunday--a more enterprising Sunday than I generally have--found a way to rally the troops, and this week has been themed.

And it all boils down to this: I don't deserve anything that I have.  Nothing.  80% of the world lives on less that $10 a day.  I just got a pay check of eight times that, and most of it went into savings, because I don't have to live on that.  I bought a Prius this summer with money that I didn't work for, I'm living in a house that I don't pay for, and half the books I own are technically someone else's.

But it's not just about money.  I don't deserve the life that I have.  I don't have any debilitating illnesses, any massive emotional trauma, anything that stops me in my tracks and I have to shovel myself off the floor before I can continue my life.  I don't have half the emotional strength of some of my friends, and yet the amazing force of will that they have is often not even enough to deal with their problems--problems to which I cannot relate.

I've never really had to work for anything my entire life.  This isn't news to me or anything, I've known it for a very long time.  I'm privileged beyond belief, but I've just now, this week, several. times. over. gotten a glimpse at just how far beyond belief.

And it's not fair.  As much as I wish I could give everything away and make everything equal, that's not actually possible.  And I can't honestly say that I wish that at all, because I like my life and I like my money and happiness and crap.

This week has just been a steady realization of my own pointlessness as a human being.

Okay...wow.  That sounded way more depressing and angsty than I meant it to...but I'm leaving it there, because that's what it feels like.  It's a gaping hole, an empty pain in my chest.  It's a consistent thing that makes it very hard to feel good about anything.

But I don't think it's the end of the story, either.  I mean, being depressed about how awesome my life is and wallowing in my relative wealth in both wealth and status would only make matters worse.  The problem is, I don't know where to take this revelation.  Sitting with it and rolling it around in my hands over and over again each day is fruitless and demoralizing; it won't get me anywhere.  But I can't see an avenue through which I can satisfy my urge to fix something. 

It's sad.  I approach problems, conversations, friendships, workshops, Bible studies, naptimes, lunch breaks...everything with the intention of fixing whatever is broken.  And here is the brokenness to end all brokenness, and naturally, this is not a problem within my range of fixing.  This is so far beyond me.

And whoever is reading this, saying the whole, "Give it up to God; let Him take care of it, because He can do everything," in their heads, I want you to not speak.  Because that's not an answer, and you know it.  It's a dodge.  If God wanted us to wait around on him to fix everything himself, Martin Luther would have said, "Corrupt church?  Meh." and Jesus would have built houses for a living.  God works through people, not around them.

Basically...I feel like the past 20 years of my life have been a festival of Mary.  I'd like to get past that now, finally.  Start new.

Dear World,


Mary has had her own inflated sense of self and purpose erased from her memory.  Please never mention their relationship to her again.


Thank you,
<3 spadeALLcross

The day that got away...

I had so many big plans for today. I was gonna go to church, then to Meijer, then do some reading, then hang out with Ben and co, then veg out.

The vegging out happened, and the Culver's, and the vegging out. And Monopoly of epic proportions. The church and the Meijer not so much. I did have a good conversation about some Old Testament stuff. That was fun, and made me wish I knew more about the Old Testament in general.

Also, Carley, Christie, and I made breakfast...and kind of failed, but had an adventure in doing so, so not a loss by my estimation. The bacon burned intensely, the pancakes looked like overgrown sanddollars without the cool star pattern in the middle, and the eggs turned out a grayish green color because they were cooked in the burn-encrusted pan after the bacon was finished.

And Monopoly was crazy. I was banker, and we were playing with the modified rules of my challenge-obsessed friends. (Read: I lost)

All in all, a good day, though. Very good day.

Tomorrow, I am for real going to Meijer. And to Calvin to pick up some job applications. And I'm going to watch the Bens and their housemates and Mark and Carley play out the last bit of their D&D campaign.

And now a word from our sponsors:

(Note: this video isn't directed at anyone, and does not pertain to my own current situation in life, but I love it anyway)

<3 spadeALLcross

Excellente

Woke up, read Joshua 1, balanced my checkbook, bought headphones, played gin, went to lunch (excellent Qdoba coupons that got me a burrito and a FUZE drink for $2.32!) played some N64, napped, moved the rest of my stuff in, played some Wii, arranged the rest of my stuff, and am now blogging about everything I just did, and will soon be going to bed.

There's a really obnoxious tiny moth crawling around my screen, as it is the only light in my room right now.

Kay. 'Night.

<3 spadeALLcross

It's nice to, at least sometimes, know what to expect

Today went mostly according to plan, considering I didn't really have much of a plan. Church was great; I haven't gone in a long time due to sleepiness/vacation, so I'm glad I got to go one last time before the school year starts. Then I came home and literally did nothing the rest of the day. Hung out with my mom, Annabelle, Dennis, and Patrick. Ate way too much food, in general, and played a half-hearted game of monopoly, where I was owning everyone. (No matter what Dennis says to the contrary.)

Molly made (makes? I mean, the comment is still there...) an interesting point about the similarities between the greek system and religion. And, dang, but going through and replacing the words in the paragraph she picked out is eerie.

I thought about it a bit, and I realized that the greek system makes me laugh because it can become a religion that doesn't really have a base to speak of: why is everyone so excited about being in frats and sororities, and why do they believe in the traditions that they continue through the generations? Probably because doing so makes them feel like they're part of something larger than themselves, and that they have a community they can count on. (Not coming from a greek background myself, this is all hearsay of the worst degree, you understand) But that is all their traditions are based on: the traditions of their community.

And that, at their simplest levels, is what some religions are based on, but from what I've gathered about the world's religions, that is not how they were designed to function. As far as my personal faith is concerned, it's not a bunch of traditions that I simply perform because someone who went before me told me they were a good idea. Nor is it a detailed list of appearances I have to keep up in order to make the world think a certain way about me. My faith is based not in the Christians around me or my relationship to them, and it's not necessarily at its strongest when I'm supported by them.

I'm a Christian because I believe in God, that He created the world and has a plan for me in it. Not only because the Bible tells me so, but because I've seen the hand of a higher power in my own life, and I feel that, after creating me and saving my life countless times, I owe such a higher power my allegiance. My parents and other Christian mentors don't dictate for me how I should live my Christian life--God does, though often times through such people. I have a personal relationship with God that I cannot get anywhere else, as well as a community of like believers who can support me in ways that any strong community supports its members. It's the pair of these that make up my faith, which is probably not true of any sorority I could join.

Maybe, like with rushing a sorority or frat, I chose God for one reason or another, and I could be living a roughly similar life had I chosen a different deity to follow. But, since I actually believe in God and don't just think of him as an abstract idea or analogy, I believe that that's not the case at all. I did voluntarily choose him, but my life would be drastically different if He weren't in the picture.

But yes, organized religion and many of its mindless followers can be a cult-like, confusing turn-off. And I don't understand that anymore than I do greek life and traditions.

It is also true that the greeks aren't the only ones with lavaliering-like traditions. People at my school do the same thing, except they call it Pearling, and I think it's equally ridiculous. I think it's ridiculous because I don't agree with the conventions of their relationships, but, yes, that's just my opinion.

I also realize that this was a bit of a lecture, and that Molly doesn't really care about any of it. I appreciate her calling me out on my hypocrisy, though, because I needed to do a little soul searching to get a response, and that's never a bad thing.

I feel weird addressing her in the third person, as she's one of five people who read this thing.

Hey Molly. You're cool. Stay in school, don't do drugs, and text me sometimes or something...like you have been...just...yeah. 2good2be4gotten.

Now I just look dumb.

Tomorrow = final day of packing. Woo...ugh. Almost done.

<3 spadeALLcross

Tired of the insincere; gonna give all my secrets away...

Power was out this morning when I woke up. A little upsetting, but...meh. I wrote a letter (that's right, I handwrite things and put them in envelopes and even occasionally put stamps on them. Karazay!), did some paperwork for the bank, wrote an email (that didn't send until the power came back on) and then, once my dad's computer was up and running, I burned 4 of the 6 DVDs I needed to burn (as well as light-scribing them) ripped a bunch of audiobooks to my hard drive, including Dune and Old Man and the Sea and the beginnings of Nineteen Minutes and The Hour I First Believed. Through all this, I was running out, getting gas in my car, trying to find a CD case to fit all the DVDs I was burning, and generally making a fool of myself. But it's okay; I drive a Prius. Then we had dinner, I went out with a friend, came back, talked to God for a while, and am now going to bed.

Tomorrow, I'm watching Annabelle. During her nap, I plan on burning some more DVDs and ripping some more CDs, as well as possibly searching again for a CD case, and probably at least thinking about packing either clothes or books. Once her father gets home and takes over her care...I don't know what I'll do. Probably nothing of consequence. Certainly nothing productive.

But let me tell you, I love my friends. I've got a lovely bunch of them, and I don't know where I'd be without them. Each of them has changed my life in startling ways, some more recently, more often, or more positively than others, but whatever. If you are my friend (and, I'm kind of assuming you are at this point, since my readership is probably hovering around five people) I really appreciate you, even if I don't tell you often enough in person.

No sponsors. Go watch thedailyshow.com. It's a hoot sometimes.

<3 spadeALLcross

Do you hear me? I'm talking to you across the water, across the deep blue ocean under the open sky. Oh my. Well, baby, I'm tryin'.

    I've been staying away from this blog lately, and to anyone who has been upset by that, I apologize.  For an array of reasons, the pressure to write witty, intriguing, well-put-together posts has upped in the past month, and, as I am wont to do, I've just been putting off the inevitable attempt at composure in the face of tribulation.

    No more my friend.  Just call me Rayford Steele.

    That's actually a nice segue into a topic that has touched my heart recently.  You know, the Bible is a fascinating piece of literature, history, art, and science.  All my life I've had pastors and parents and friends and revivalists on the street corners telling me that, but I guess what they say in Psych 101 is true: the lightbulb has to really want to change.

    I've taken to reading from the Bible every day.  I'm currently working through Luke, and I'll hit up Acts next, dropping in on the Psalms every now and then and maybe busting out the old Genesis if I get around to it...It sounds more spasmodic than it actually is, I promise.  You see, I went to a summer camp (for high schoolers, ironically enough) last weekend, and it really changed my outlook on life.  I'm not sure if that was the point, but I don't think the staff would mind if they found out.

   So it turns out, I actually like being Christian.  Shocker.  Yeah, I don't know what I'd do without it.  And it's odd, but I'm getting a lot more out of this Bible thing than I actually thought I would.  Way to go Mary.  I guess I just forgot about the whole Superstar thing.

   Another thing I've gotten [back] into lately is Pandora.  I struggle through the mandatory playlist of a sandwich artist all day (consisting of, to my deep chagrin, Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, bad hip-hop and awkward country), and then I come home, kick back with a fresh, cool Facebook and maybe a couple Acolytes (not that I like the Undead Scourge...I'm just slowly hacking away at that particular campaign right now) and turn on the tunes that keep on rocking all the night long with titles I've never heard before but can't wait to hear again.

   Anyway.  I can't remember the original intent of this post, so I'm going to just quit while I'm...where I am.  Make good choices. 

<3 spadeALLcross

P.S.  I just noticed that all my other blogging friends happened to update recently.  Outer-Limits-y moment...I assure you, I am not a poser.  I'm psyched, but not a poser.

But if I never ever hear them right, if nothing else, I'll think the bells inside have finally found you someone else...

    A year ago yesterday, one of my friends from high school past away due to a freak brain aneurism.  A year ago Saturday, she was 19, home from college from the summer, and driving to her first day of work when she got into a car accident, caused by her sudden lack of function, and was pronounced dead on the scene, but was revived.  But then the next day, she was no longer 19.  She was no longer a fantastic artist or older sister.  She was no longer the beautiful fiancé of the man she loved, she was no longer a new sophomore in college with the words "70 days: Don't Go Back the Same" written in dry erase marker on her mirror.

    She was eternal, with her Father in Heaven, smiling down on everyone in that way only she could.  

    But in that last day, when she was just hanging on because we asked her to, when there was so little of her left, she was still Kate, being the amazing girl she had always been.  I don't remember how many people she saved in her death, the number of organs she gave out to people who would have died without them, but that number is insignificant when compared to the number of lives she saved in her life.  With her love, with her patience and excitement about everything, with her smile.  

    Kate and I were not close; she was in the grade above me, and we only spoke on a few occasions.  But we volunteered together at our church, and we were in the same house group in High school.  I remember looking at her and her small group and wishing I could be one ounce like her and like them.  Not because they were cool, though they were, and not because they were pretty, though every one of them could have been a model and no picture of them was bad, but because they were the closest friends I've ever seen.  They still are, two years later, and a year after this kind of tragedy.  

    I'll probably always remember one of the few conversations I had with Kate.  We served together in the junior-high ministry at our church where we were small-group leaders for girls for three years.  One day, near the end of the ministry's season, Kate leaned over to me during break-outs and asked, "Do you know, are we going to be with the girls for that summer camp in August?"  I said, "Oh no, thank heavens.  The camp is staffed by counsellors who will be with them."  And Kate wrinkled her forehead a little bit, "Oh, dang.  I wish I could go.  I'm sure they're going to grow a lot spiritually in that week, and I wish I could be there to watch."

    Because that was Kate.

    Eleven-ish months ago, I got a tattoo on my ankle.  It says "All In" in honor of Kate.  At her funeral (attended by well over 300 people) her boyfriend described her as "All in, all the time."  I wanted to be like that, and to never forget that week of my life.

    Without fail, every time I wear shorts, someone new notices my tattoo and asks what it's about.  And, without fail, I almost always jokingly say "I play a lot of cards."  If they press the matter, I might say something like, "I got it after one of my friends from High School died," and then they usually drop it.  

    I say these things, these half-truths, because when I got that tattoo, I knew that every time I saw it, I would see Kate's beautiful face, and be given another boost to try to be the person God wants me to be, just like Kate always was.  And I knew that sometimes, I would just want to live alone with that memory.

    As I look back on this year of my life after her death, I see successes, I see failures, I see a lot of struggles, a lot of pain, but a lot of victories.  I started this post with the intention of berating myself towards the end, spilling out to you all the times I've looked down at my ankle and cried out in sudden agony, realizing how far away I'd drifted, how much I'd already forgotten.  But I see now, I can't forget, no matter how many times I feel I've failed.  

    A lot of people I know have died in the past, and they've all affected me differently, but Kate sticks out to me in death just as she did in life.  And I know I can't be just like her, and I know God doesn't want me to be, but I'm not worried that I'm ignoring that tug on my soul that I feel sometimes, that I've since named Katherine René, because slowly, that tug doesn't even get the chance to pull anymore.  Slowly, the things I want for myself in any given moment are becoming the things I think she would have wanted for me, things God would have wanted for me, so much so that I no longer even notice.

    So anyway.  That was just a really long method of saying that I'm sorry if I ever told you I just like cards.  But you have to understand, sometimes I don't even feel right having that tattoo visible to the world.  It's a little contract between me and God, with Kate as the signing witness.  And today, I'm rereading it, I guess.  Renewing it, definitely.  Reliving it, thankfully.  It hurts, but it's something I need and want to do.

<3 spadeALLcross

Sprezzatura

    I realized a lot of things today about me, my faith, my relationships, my family, my friends...Wow, and it's only 2:00 on Sunday.  What will the rest of the week bring?

<3 spadeALLcross

Say those words as much as you want but you need me like I need you.

Happy

50th 

Post!

    And happy Monday....

    Though both are lame reasons to celebrate, one is still less enthusiastic than the other.  Can you guess which?

    Yesterday I went to New Life Christian Fellowship for church.  It was an incredible experience, but I don't think I want to go there again.  It was very different from what I'm used to in a church.  They are non-denominational and charismatic, and they have an interesting set up for their services.  The one yesterday was 2 hours long (and none of the regulars seemed too restless, so I'm pretty sure they are generally that length) the first hour being worship and healing and the second being a sermon-type object.  

    The worship was very individualistic.  Some people grabbed these flag, banner things and stood around the room waving them at their leisure.  Some people were dancing and flailing themselves around, some people were kneeling, some were sitting, some were standing.  There were only four or so songs sung, but as I said, the worship was half of the service.  At one point, a woman from the makeshift choir went up to the microphone and shared a prophecy she had had about freeing people from their cages of worship and then she prayed over everyone in the audience who felt the trappedness she described.

    The sermon was about climbing mountains of culture and exerting control over a sphere of influence for God's glory.  There was very little scripture mentioned, and certainly none that really drove the meaning, which is what I am used to.  The pastor mentioned the cage prophecy again, and then at the end, a woman gave a testimony about how the cage prophecy and the sermon applied to her life.  And then when the pastor finished the prayer and told us to go in peace, only my boyfriend and I left.  Everyone else just sat there...

    The reason I thought this was such an incredible experience is that it made me start to think.  Why do I have such a problem taking these people seriously?  Is my faith second to my logic?  I mean, I know I have issue with people who say that, if someone dies young or of a disease, it was because they did not have enough faith.  But the whole service caught me off guard.  I wonder if there's not some happy medium God wants us to reach, somewhere between scriptureless faith and faithless scripture, between charismatics and intellectualists.  I believe in the miracles of God, but do I trust that they will happen?

Anyway, just pondering, and putting off writing my paper.

<3>spadeALLcross

You can't take the sky from me.

    Last week was a bit intense due to a crazy five-day Japanese schedule (I lost my sleep-until-noon Wednesday...not happy about that) and some tests and meetings and papers and insanity such as that.  However, that week is over now, and I have begun another crazy couple of days, after which, hopefully, my week will slow down again.

    Monday last marked my first college test.  Or at least, I thought it was a test, and so freaked out sufficiently the night before when I saw it in my planner and began a scramble to shove all sorts of too-similar Japanese vocabulary words and phrases into my head.  As luck would have it, when I went to class, I saw no one else freaking out in their seats, and then he passed out the paper, and I saw why: in big letters across the top was the [English] word "Quiz."  Quiz.  Well, gee, if I had known that, I would not have had what was later referred to by my floor-mates as a nervous breakdown in the lobby the night before.  I mean sure, I guess I copied it into my planner wrong, but that's still just a sick joke.  

    10 questions.  I had memorized more than 50 japanese words and phrases.  Crap.  

    And that pretty much set the tone for the week.  As the days wore on, I proceeded to forget necessary class things in my room, skip lunch only to find I had run out of sustaining food days earlier, and sit in front of a blank screen for hours, trying to come up with a suitable beginning to my autobiography, and much much more.  

    Until Friday, when I just got so fed up I stopped trying.  Once classes were over, I made no attempt at homework, studying, or even thinking too much.  However, I still managed to have an uneventful night for the most part, breaking down boxes in the kitchen for an hour or so, then helping Christine wash and dry the dishes, then hanging around for a couple hours waiting for Theotherben to get back from Meijer so we could watch Serenity.

    And this is where things started getting interesting. [SPOILER ALERT]

    That movie doesn't have any down time; I swear it was a perpetual action scene or emotional climax.  Not to mention my favorite character dies in possibly the worst way a character is able die in a movie.  But what is worse is that someone I thought was a trustable source of Firefly-esque information turned out to be a no-good, low-down, double-crossing snake in the grass liar.  He told me that, and I quote, "One character dies."  And earlier on in the movie, one character does die, and it happens to be a character that I have no particular affinity for.  So I thought I was off the hook and was not going to lose anyone, you know, important.  

    But I did.  And I was a little frustrated at Bigben for that.

    Furthermore, I don't know what it is about this movie, but I cannot convince myself that some of its aspects don't exist somewhere out in the black.  Mostly, the Reavers.  Yeah, I don't even want to talk about how much that whole concept disgusts and scares me.  Except to say that, since my roommate was out for the night at her boyfriend's school and I was left all alone in my room, I had a hard time getting to sleep that night.  There were gymnastics, loud music, and night lights involved.  

    So anyway, I'm still not sure if I liked that movie or not.

    Then Saturday.  That was a lovely day.  At the time, it felt a little hectic and wasteful, but in retrospect, it really wasn't any of those things.  Well, yes it was, but I'm okay with that now.  It started at 11:00 when we had a dorm "retreat" (we all went out to the parking lot, ate lunch, listened to the story of Noah and the Ark and how it relates to the new wing, and then went shopping at various locations for stuff for our floor lobbies) and continued at 4:00 with a serious soccer game.

    Let me just tell you, that that game, more than anything else I've experienced in these past...what...three weeks? of college took me away from all previous experiences and out of my comfort zone (quite literally, as I am still quite sore some two days later).  I felt like Edward Scissorhands at a cake decorating convention.  I had a whole lot more to write on that subject, but this post is already breaking zoning laws on length, so I'll just move on.

    Then I went to Meijer again and spent way too much money, but at least I have food to eat when I skip organized meals, which happens always during the breakfast hour a lot during the lunch hour on study days.  And now I don't have to live solely on ramen, turkey jerky, and fruit leather, which is exciting.

    So little homework was done that night, though I wrote the insides of my autobiography, saving the introduction and conclusion until...oh.  Today.  Right.  I should get on that soon.

    Sunday was church at Ada Bible.  Which I identified as a WCA church almost immediately, though I'm not sure why.  That makes me like it more, though that doesn't take much, as the pastor talks too fast and the people I met aren't really friendly.  

    After church was homework until dinner (one of the study days without an organized lunch) and then we hung out in the lobby until LOFT*.  Which was moving.  And I took communion again.  Does twice in one day make me a better person?  Don't ask my floor-mate Richard: he has a tendency to start raucous theological debates at the drop of a hat.

    And then we stayed up until 2:00 with no purpose, discussing which names we thought had negative or positive connotations and how people have proposed to their significant others in the past and whether or not the parking lot outside our dorm is a good place for ghost in the graveyard.

    I will let you get back to your regularly scheduled day now.  My friends may you grow in grace.

<3 spadeALLcross

* Yesterday's LOFT isn't up there as of yet, but it will be, and I encourage anyone interested to listen to it.  I'm not sure how much I agree with, but he does present some interesting points.

Radio is much the same thing, except without the cat.

    This weekend ran rampant with firsts.  

    Friday night was Iron Man with most of my floor.  They showed it free of charge in our auditorium in HD.  It was pretty sweet, let me tell you.  It was my first "official" college Friday, as last Friday had me still in orientation week, which doesn't count for much of anything.  Also, it was my first SAO (Student Activities Organization) experience.  But mostly, it was the first time I had ever seen that bit of mastery that is Tony Stark.  I mean, Robert Downey Jr. is okay looking, but strap him in to whatever that glowy thing was and teach him how to fly, and suddenly I have a huge urge to become Shion Uzuki just so that we may cross paths someday.  (Unravel that skein of thought, I dare you.)   The movie was fantastic, as was the discussion we had back in the dorm lobby about the obviously misogynistic script-writer.  But then again, what Marvel Comic is not misogynistic?  

    Saturday night I went to Meijer's and made my first replenishment journey, stocking up on Ramen and popcorn and various other foodstuffs.  I thought I had stocked up sufficiently on chips as well, but alas, when I took my new stores into the lobby for a late night snack around the developing monopoly game, I lost them forever.  I was very surprised they lasted as long as they did, actually, with all the men unleashed in the room, but evidently the word "veggie" is a deterrent for many.  But they all eventually gave in and then devoured.  I'm glad I could spread the love.

    Today I went to church for the first time in a small caravan (a Grand Prix, actually) that took speed bumps at exactly 25 mph, much to the chagrin of the tall Canadian in the back who is now recovering from a slight concussion.  We went to Madison Square Church, and I really enjoyed myself.  Their mission is diversity, so they have different styles of worship every week, and this week was Gospel...ish.  Well, as Gospel as I've ever seen coming from a predominantly white church in the suburbs.  I hope to go there next week too, for as they say, two points make a line.

    I also did laundry for the first time, and stripped and remade my bed.  It was beautifully exhausting, so I've been using this blogging time as a chance to cool off and cultivate a less disgusting smell.  

    I have just one last assignment to finish up today, and it's due Tuesday, so I'm not worried, but I should probably do it.  So, ta.

<3 spadeALLcross

The night is young and you're so beautiful...

    This and the Lord's Prayer.  That's what I was doing when my cell-phone vibrated, telling me it was 9:17 tonight.  "Hallowed be thy name," to be specific.  It felt kind of magical at the time.  In one of those little tea lights, floating on the Seminary Pond is a post-it note with my greatest fear for college, sailing away into the night, far away.  

    And now I'm watching The Funniest Moments of Robin Hood: Men in Tights in the lobby.  Magic over.

<3 spadeALLcross

'Cause it's 11:30 and the crowd is jumpin' jumpin'...

So xkcd has a fettish for fettishes recently. Anybody else notice?

In other news, I'm all moved in. Horray! More on that later, I guess. I was going to be a champ and post a picture or two of my Grade-A dorm, but it's currently 2:40 in the morning and the proverbial "roomie" and I are up, still organizing stuff because we share an affinity for night, one that is potentially detrimental to our college experience, as neither of us wakes up easily. Needless to say, we've skipped breakfast pretty heartily so far, and I see no change in that in the near future.

Prognosis: Calvin is thus far a hoppin' place to be. I'm pretty pumped to spend the rest of my year here, which, had you asked me three months ago, was something I did not imagine myself saying ever. I chose Calvin with every reservation possible, questioning everything: Christian aspect of the school and where that would land it on the liberal/conservative line, the size of the school and whether the quality of education would be something I could get behind, the...outgoingness?...of the school/students/random people I met while visiting that, in all honesty, just freaked me out because I'm a Gold-Card member of the I Pride group (INFJ, if you must know) and I tend to get turtle-ish if I don't check myself.

I loved the school when I visited, but after I visited other schools, especially the secular ones like Boston University, I started to have my doubts. So when I chose this as my home for the fall semester, I did it with the plan to transfer out after my first year. I don't know why in the world I chose a school I didn't really want to go to, but I did and here I am. And I'm happy.

The people are crazy. And I say that with all the love in my heart, but no joke, they are.  My orientation leader is one of the most hilarious people I've met in my life (one kid in my group grew up in Japan and taught us how to say "I love you" in Japanese, and then wrote it on the blackboard in our break-out room, and our leader insisted we use it as a chant, and that he write it on every blackboard of every room we use this week) and yet he can effectively lead a group of college freshman in serious discussions about things like homosexuality and substance abuse and racism.  My RA uses a bikers horn to worn the boys when she's coming into their wing after hours.  I just had a three-hour-long conversation about everything in the analytical world, including politics, theology, conspiracy theories, World War II...and they're still going while I'm in here blogging to retain my sanity because they can quote Nietzsche and I'm proud of my meager ration of Locke.  My roommate and I are both still actively awake at 3:00 in the morning--she's framing her pictures and mounting them on the wall, and I'm chatting it up with you.  

    Yes, there are some of the downfalls I expected, like there are some ignorant people running around, and there are people so set in their ideals that they are hard to even talk to, and I am a minority, coming from a public, out-of-state school, and the Christian Reform Church seems to be a bit different than the non-denominational goodness I got back home, but at this point, my euphoria on having found a good school that I enjoy keeps me firm in the belief that all schools have stuff/people that I wouldn't like, and I'm just glad that Calvin has so much that I do.

Right now, in this moment, I'm exuberant. That'll fade, I'm sure, as the hours wear on tomorrow after this dangerous bout of wakefulness, but for now, I'm content with just living in the happy.

Hmm. What else can I say? As I went through the past...what? three days it's been since I last left my intellectual mark upon this site, I thought of a lot of things I could mention, just in passing. But, as these things go, I've since forgotten all of them.

And we're going to bed now.

Ta.

<3 spadeALLcross

Convinced by Thunderstorms

Last weekend, I was on a God High. This weekend, I've been kind of posted in front of the television...but I'm really okay with it because I kind of think I'm learning a lot this way...

Let me 'splain. No...there is too much. Let me sum up.

The season(/series maybe, I'm not sure) finale of "Avatar:The Last Airbender" aired on Nickelodeon last night. I had friends over so I couldn't watch it until midnight when they left, but it was totally worth the wait.

You see the show is about a young (and yet exceptionally old) boy named Aang whose destiny it is to restore balance to a broken world plagued by war under the rule of a tyrant Firelord, Ozai. I can't possibly summarize the entire show in one blog, so why don't you go to www.watchavatar.com and I'll meet you back here in a week or so.

Throughout the whole two-hour episode special, Aang is having an inward struggle because he doesn't think he can kill The Firelord after having lived and learned as an Air Nomad (who are a lot like Hindus in their beleif in the sacredness of any form of life). It's quite an advanced idea for an American kid's TV show.

I don't think I have the apathy to tell you what he decides or how the thing ends, so seriously go watch it and then leabe us a comment and we'll chat. But let me tell you that it is the best possible ending to any show ever. I used to be a little embarrassed that I watched a kids' cartoon, but as you can see by my PDA of it this morning, I am no longer. I love that show and I wish it didn't have to end.

Because it's about everything a show should be about--inner battles, deep-seated family problems, adventures that seem more like suicide missions, the real meaning of bravery, rescourcefulness,...you name it. And all that without some stupid side plot of whose best freind is sleeping with whose husband or who is pregnant with whose son's baby or who is selling drugs to whom. We watch television to escape from the world's problems, even if it's only for a little while, or at least, that's why I watch it. So why, then, would we run to watch shows like One Tree Hill or Law and Order where the character's problems are our problems, or could be our problems should we find ourselves in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Don't get me wrong: Gilmore Girls and The West Wing were two of my favorite shows when they were on the air, and they were riddled with some of the worst of the world's problems. But now, having watched Avatar, where even sexual tension is a rarity, and feeling the buzz off of what I know is pure, unadulterated happiness for the way the story turned out and the way the characters' lives ended up (unlike with Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows =\ Sorry, J.K....you just really dropped the ball) I don't understand why anyone would watch shows with worldly problems.

Unless, of course, there's a hero involved. And I'm not talking about a gray-fox DA with a less-than-worthy attorney sidekick who brings disgrace to the name of actress or an attention-starved group of kids straight out of The Outsiders. If it's not a true story, I want a larger-than-life, greater-than-true hero to save these characters from their problems. It's the one thing that separates us from them. Otherwise they're just like us, relying on other flawed and dying humans without much to their names.

I watched Batman Begins tonight. Bruce Wayne is the kind of Hero (yes indeed) that I'm talking about. Robin Hood, David Webb, Elessar...the list goes on: they're clever, strong, brave, sometimes reckless, always driven individuals. Individuals. I think it's key that these guys (usually they're guys...I can't think of a female hero who's ever really seemed all that powerful on her own. It came close once, but even Hermione had Harry and Ron) work alone. Sure, Aragorn had that whole Fellowship deal, but when the time came for the big boss battle, he was leading what was left of Gondor into battle...alone...and he became King...alone. And Robin Hood's merry men were kind of at a loss without him, whereas he could take the Sheriff single-handedly if the opportunity arose. And Aang was destined to fight the Firelord mono e mono. Full circle.

I feel like I may be losing you at this point, so I'll try to bring this to a point:

I think there's a reason human nature seeks for supernatural heros, sacrificing their social lives, their true loves, their passions, and their futures for the sake of the cause: I think it's because we already have one.



Romans 8:18



Now seriously. Go watch Avatar. Unless you eat gratuitous sex and violence for its nutritious value, I'm sure you won't regret it.


<3 spadeALLcross