Yup. As per usual, as most of you expected, it has been a while since I last updated here. That's not for lack of trying, believe me. It's just that, between my list of goals I wanted to complete over the summer, my time spent unavoidably (if not welcomely) separated from my computer, the revision of my personal priorities, and the onset of school this week, every time I had something to blog about, I was convinced that there was some better use of my time elsewhere, and I was not often wrong.
The unfortunate consequence to this is that I now have a lot of stuff to say, while you have not developed some über stamina that would allow you to read it all in one sitting. So consider this the first installment in a long line of get-to-know-Mary posts. Because that's what they'll all have in common: "About Mary."
We'll start with the beginning. These past eight months have been the most renewing months of my life. They have been the most unstable, the most disappointing, the scariest, and the most wonderful time I have ever spent doing anything. Throughout the four months I was in England, I became much more like the person I've always wanted to be; I became more confident in myself, less reliant on the affirmation of others, and more open and willing to try new things and take real risks. I struggled, especially against myself, while I was there--I was homesick very often, out of my element with almost every step I took, and fully aware 98% of the time that I was less than perfect in many significant ways. My semester abroad was not different or special in comparison to anyone else's semester abroad. It changed me, certainly, like any new experience would, and it showed me who I really was, and sometimes that reflection made me cringe. But I think that's what those sorts of programs are designed to do. And if not, they still manage to more often than not, in my experience.
Fourish months removed from that time, I think I can safely say I've finally gotten around to processing it, and I think the most noticeable development it started in me was my newfound desire to travel. I've always wanted to be a "world explorer," meeting new people and traveling to exciting places, just so I could see the world. But now that I've had the smallest taste of that, and I know at least some of the downsides to that kind of an adventure, I feel like when I say, "I want to travel the world," I mean it now. I know what's at stake, where I didn't before, but I also know what glorious things can happen as a result, and that prospect is exciting more to me than the fears are scary.
Then the summer started. There was undeniable culture shock as I moved back to the US, even just from England (which is not all that different), and that experience further opened my eyes, showing me what I felt I needed to change about my lifestyle, that, in some cases, it just wasn't a choice anymore. It's one thing to say something is important to you, it's another thing to realize that you simply cannot live your life without it. My transition back to the states, back to things, relationships, and interests that once felt comfortable to me made me see more clearly which pieces of myself I needed to put the effort into preserving, and which pieces I needed to weed out. The process is ongoing and challenging, but as I said, I simply can't stop. I believe there are certain foundational pieces of my personality and my life that, if I neglected them simply because they were hard, I would be lying to myself about who I was, which would make my life hard to live anyway. It's a lose-lose, in a [pessimistic] sense, but I think the intentional, challenging way is the more sustainable and rewarding way.
So that's where I was around the middle of June. Tune in next time to hear about July.
<3 spadeALLcross
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