I'm not living in a down-on-myself way because I have this wealth of opportunities and overall happiness that most of the world does not have. I'm living in a frustrated turmoil because figuring out how to use my gifts and wealth and privilege in the best and most efficient ways possible is very...well...frustrating. I suddenly don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't know what's important to me or what I'm best at, where I should be investing myself and how best to serve a world that needs me.
Long term, this could mean changing my career plans. I'm considering dropping education as a major, taking some art classes and going into marketing and computer-aided design, because that's something I really love and am fairly good at, and it's something that could be useful for companies, not-for-profits, starving artists, etc. I really get into that kind of work, and fears I have with it are actually considerably fewer than fears I have with teaching.
Because, let me tell you, the idea of molding young minds is looking less and less fun and more and more like no one should be trusted to do it. It's too scary to me, to have that much power over lives. But maybe I'm over-thinking the job and underestimating myself, so I really am still thinking and praying through all of this.
Short term, this revelation means I'm reevaluate the way I live my life day-to-day, specifically how I treat and interact with people. I'm a very selfish person (I think I hide it well, so if you disagree with me, you will not be able to convince me) and I need to work on that, because it gets in the way of loving others.
And right now, "loving others" is suddenly the number-one priority in my life. Doing for others, being there for others, giving myself away in order to get myself back, if that makes any sense. I don't like who I am when I'm all about me.
I'm aware that this doesn't mean letting people walk all over me. It's much more challenging than that; it involves a change of the heart, a change of priorities. And that's what's really getting to me, what's giving me the hardest time. That's what prompted me to write that post a couple days ago.
Last week was like taking the lens cap off a point-and-shoot digital camera; it took a while for the exposure settings to adjust to a functional level. That last post was a summation of the blinding white and painful haze of realizing that my world is too comfortable. This week, and many weeks, months, years to come, is the slow adjustment into a life the knowledge I've gained from that haze.
This post may worry some of you as much as the last did. But if you love me, give me the benefit of the doubt. And give me time. If we had but the world enough, and time...
<3 spadeALLcross
EDIT:
I came up with an idea last week for my second tattoo...and I'm actually actively pursuing it. (By actively, at this point, I mean I'm passively and slowly saving money for it.) My drawing tablet appears to have bitten the proverbial dust, so this is obviously not a final rendering (also, it is not a very good example of my skills in computer-aided design...) but this is the general concept. The final product will still be this simple, but with better lettering and, you know, straight lines.
It comes from something in Tim Russert's memoir, Big Russ & Me, wherein he writes a letter to his son, Luke, as an epilogue. "Lukeman, along the way you'll hit some hurdles and experience some setbacks. I will always be there for you, as Grandpa was for me. But remember, while you are always, always loved, you are never, never entitled. As Grandpa likes to say, 'The world doesn't owe you a favor.'"
This is huge to me, especially right now. I'm just thinking about it, because permanently marking up your body is one of those things you don't just do for fun on the weekends, but I am thinking about it.
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