This week has been hitting me over the head. In general, it was one of the longest weeks I've had in a very long time: the days dragged on and there seemed to be no respite, except for Thursday, which was glorious, but also tumultuous for its own unique reasons. More specifically, though, this week seemed to have an agenda.
It's like, Sunday said to last Saturday, "Hey, if you could go back, get the buddies together, and get one message through to this kid, what would it be?" and Saturday told Sunday, and Sunday--a more enterprising Sunday than I generally have--found a way to rally the troops, and this week has been themed.
And it all boils down to this: I don't deserve anything that I have. Nothing. 80% of the world lives on less that $10 a day. I just got a pay check of eight times that, and most of it went into savings, because I don't have to live on that. I bought a Prius this summer with money that I didn't work for, I'm living in a house that I don't pay for, and half the books I own are technically someone else's.
But it's not just about money. I don't deserve the life that I have. I don't have any debilitating illnesses, any massive emotional trauma, anything that stops me in my tracks and I have to shovel myself off the floor before I can continue my life. I don't have half the emotional strength of some of my friends, and yet the amazing force of will that they have is often not even enough to deal with their problems--problems to which I cannot relate.
I've never really had to work for anything my entire life. This isn't news to me or anything, I've known it for a very long time. I'm privileged beyond belief, but I've just now, this week, several. times. over. gotten a glimpse at just how far beyond belief.
And it's not fair. As much as I wish I could give everything away and make everything equal, that's not actually possible. And I can't honestly say that I wish that at all, because I like my life and I like my money and happiness and crap.
This week has just been a steady realization of my own pointlessness as a human being.
Okay...wow. That sounded way more depressing and angsty than I meant it to...but I'm leaving it there, because that's what it feels like. It's a gaping hole, an empty pain in my chest. It's a consistent thing that makes it very hard to feel good about anything.
But I don't think it's the end of the story, either. I mean, being depressed about how awesome my life is and wallowing in my relative wealth in both wealth and status would only make matters worse. The problem is, I don't know where to take this revelation. Sitting with it and rolling it around in my hands over and over again each day is fruitless and demoralizing; it won't get me anywhere. But I can't see an avenue through which I can satisfy my urge to fix something.
It's sad. I approach problems, conversations, friendships, workshops, Bible studies, naptimes, lunch breaks...everything with the intention of fixing whatever is broken. And here is the brokenness to end all brokenness, and naturally, this is not a problem within my range of fixing. This is so far beyond me.
And whoever is reading this, saying the whole, "Give it up to God; let Him take care of it, because He can do everything," in their heads, I want you to not speak. Because that's not an answer, and you know it. It's a dodge. If God wanted us to wait around on him to fix everything himself, Martin Luther would have said, "Corrupt church? Meh." and Jesus would have built houses for a living. God works through people, not around them.
Basically...I feel like the past 20 years of my life have been a festival of Mary. I'd like to get past that now, finally. Start new.
Dear World,
Mary has had her own inflated sense of self and purpose erased from her memory. Please never mention their relationship to her again.
Thank you,
<3 spadeALLcross
1 comment:
Dear Mary,
I love you. You are not worthless. You have actually done good for people. Me, for sure, and undoubtedly others.
You are not alone in your privileged-ness. And may I say, I think the answer lies in getting over it. Just don't worry about it. Yes you're well off. Do something with it. You're going to school. It's a gift that you're in college. Take it and just do something productive with it. Anything. Don't sit on what you have. Work for more. When you get out and have a job, you'll be working for what you have. You're going to have to work eventually. (If you didn't, that would be obnoxiously privileged.) Make your opportunities matter.
Also: STFU about not having problems in your life. You've had them. And you got over it. But you've had hard times.
In conclusion: You're not *that* well off, you've had hard times, and the answer is to take what you have and make it mean something.
Love forever from your obnoxiously honest and dearest chum,
~Molly
=)
Post a Comment