Does that make me cRaZy?

In short, yes.

It's that time of the year, yet again, friends and family.  November is just around the corner...as in...it starts tomorrow.  And with november comes National Novel Writing Month and my participation in a little thing called NaNoWriMo, affectionately called around here "Insanity Epitomized."  I will be attempting (and hopefully succeeding) in writing a 50,000 word novel in one month, between midnight on November 1 and 11:59 on November 30.

I did this last year, as some might recall, and I "won" (meaning I reached the 50K goal within the time limit...there's not like a limited number of winners or anything).  It was an exhilarating month, and I am really excited to do it again...even though I don't really have a rock solid idea for what I'm going to write about.

In preparation, I've been reading this book.

It gives a lot of tips on what to do to make sure that the novel actually gets written, and that I don't chicken out and back away from my goal.  One of those tips is straight up gambling.  I'm not usually the betting woman; I think it's a good way to waste money fast.

But NaNoWriMo stands for a lot of things that are important to me, including global literacy (through their book drives for BetterWorldBooks.com) and exciting writing programs for both children and adults through schools and libraries around the world.  Because of this, I'm ready and willing to waste good money fast, as long as it's on their behalf.  And they've given me a great way to do that!

This links to my personal donation page for NaNoWriMo.  Here's how this is going to go.

Certainly anyone is allowed to donate free of nefarious connotations: just go to the page and donate and I'll be happy, and you'll be happy, and writers around the country and world will be happy, too.  Everyone wins.

But if you're of a more competitive spirit, or you don't think I can do what I say I'm going to do, or if you want to keep me honest, then let's set up a little wager, shall we?

There are many benchmarks for NaNoWriMo that we could put some money on.  There's the obvious one, 50K by the end of the month.  There're also the challenges of getting 1,667 words/day, or 11,669 words/week, or staying above someone else's daily word count, i.e. Chris Baty (the head of NaNoWriMo.org).  The wagers set thereon would work as follows:

You bet, say $50, that I don't make the 50K by the end of the month.  If I do, then you donate that $50 to NaNoWriMo.  If I don't, then I donate it to an organization of your choosing.  Any organization: NaNoWriMo, the NRA, Scientology, or even your own checking account.

The same goes for any benchmark.  I'm going to ask that there be a $1 maximum wager made for every 1,000 words expected for the benchmark, because I'm not made of money, and I'm sure you're not either.

If you accept any of these wagers, or if you want to donate just for the good of the cause, let me know in a comment below, or an email, or a text, or via facebook, or any other of the numerous ways people can reach me these days...

Happy Halloween!  And Happy National Novel Writing Month!

<3 spadeALLcross

Clarification, Qualification, yadda yadda

I've gotten some comments in the past few days (readership?  what?) on my disillusioned-with-the-world post.  The comments were confusing me, so I went back and re-read that post, only to realize that I sounded way more depressed than I actually felt or am about this whole situation.

I'm not living in a down-on-myself way because I have this wealth of opportunities and overall happiness that most of the world does not have.  I'm living in a frustrated turmoil because figuring out how to use my gifts and wealth and privilege in the best and most efficient ways possible is very...well...frustrating.  I suddenly don't know what I want to do with my life.  I don't know what's important to me or what I'm best at, where I should be investing myself and how best to serve a world that needs me.

Long term, this could mean changing my career plans.  I'm considering dropping education as a major, taking some art classes and going into marketing and computer-aided design, because that's something I really love and am fairly good at, and it's something that could be useful for companies, not-for-profits, starving artists, etc.  I really get into that kind of work, and fears I have with it are actually considerably fewer than fears I have with teaching.

Because, let me tell you, the idea of molding young minds is looking less and less fun and more and more like no one should be trusted to do it.  It's too scary to me, to have that much power over lives.  But maybe I'm over-thinking the job and underestimating myself, so I really am still thinking and praying through all of this.

Short term, this revelation means I'm reevaluate the way I live my life day-to-day, specifically how I treat and interact with people.  I'm a very selfish person (I think I hide it well, so if you disagree with me, you will not be able to convince me) and I need to work on that, because it gets in the way of loving others.

And right now, "loving others" is suddenly the number-one priority in my life.  Doing for others, being there for others, giving myself away in order to get myself back, if that makes any sense.  I don't like who I am when I'm all about me.

I'm aware that this doesn't mean letting people walk all over me.  It's much more challenging than that; it involves a change of the heart, a change of priorities.  And that's what's really getting to me, what's giving me the hardest time.  That's what prompted me to write that post a couple days ago.

Last week was like taking the lens cap off a point-and-shoot digital camera; it took a while for the exposure settings to adjust to a functional level.  That last post was a summation of the blinding white and painful haze of realizing that my world is too comfortable.  This week, and many weeks, months, years to come, is the slow adjustment into a life the knowledge I've gained from that haze.

This post may worry some of you as much as the last did.  But if you love me, give me the benefit of the doubt.  And give me time.  If we had but the world enough, and time...

<3 spadeALLcross

EDIT:

I came up with an idea last week for my second tattoo...and I'm actually actively pursuing it.  (By actively, at this point, I mean I'm passively and slowly saving money for it.)  My drawing tablet appears to have bitten the proverbial dust, so this is obviously not a final rendering (also, it is not a very good example of my skills in computer-aided design...) but this is the general concept.  The final product will still be this simple, but with better lettering and, you know, straight lines.

It comes from something in Tim Russert's memoir, Big Russ & Me, wherein he writes a letter to his son, Luke, as an epilogue.  "Lukeman, along the way you'll hit some hurdles and experience some setbacks.  I will always be there for you, as Grandpa was for me.  But remember, while you are always, always loved, you are never, never entitled.  As Grandpa likes to say, 'The world doesn't owe you a favor.'"

This is huge to me, especially right now.  I'm just thinking about it, because permanently marking up your body is one of those things you don't just do for fun on the weekends, but I am thinking about it.

In other news...

On a lighter, but only slightly note: I don't know how people survived the era of the corset.  I have this one skirt that's really tight around the waist, and it gives me gas pains like you wouldn't believe, and when I bend at the waist to pick something up (in the privacy of a closet or bathroom, since it would be indecent to do that in more public settings) my sight turns bluish purple for a few moments.

Corset?  No thank you.

<3 spadeALLcross

I couldn't possibly fit my big stuffed Eeyore through the eye of a needle...but I can't just leave him behind, either. He and I have spent fewer nights apart than my mother and I have...

This week has been hitting me over the head.  In general, it was one of the longest weeks I've had in a very long time: the days dragged on and there seemed to be no respite, except for Thursday, which was glorious, but also tumultuous for its own unique reasons.  More specifically, though, this week seemed to have an agenda.

It's like, Sunday said to last Saturday, "Hey, if you could go back, get the buddies together, and get one message through to this kid, what would it be?" and Saturday told Sunday, and Sunday--a more enterprising Sunday than I generally have--found a way to rally the troops, and this week has been themed.

And it all boils down to this: I don't deserve anything that I have.  Nothing.  80% of the world lives on less that $10 a day.  I just got a pay check of eight times that, and most of it went into savings, because I don't have to live on that.  I bought a Prius this summer with money that I didn't work for, I'm living in a house that I don't pay for, and half the books I own are technically someone else's.

But it's not just about money.  I don't deserve the life that I have.  I don't have any debilitating illnesses, any massive emotional trauma, anything that stops me in my tracks and I have to shovel myself off the floor before I can continue my life.  I don't have half the emotional strength of some of my friends, and yet the amazing force of will that they have is often not even enough to deal with their problems--problems to which I cannot relate.

I've never really had to work for anything my entire life.  This isn't news to me or anything, I've known it for a very long time.  I'm privileged beyond belief, but I've just now, this week, several. times. over. gotten a glimpse at just how far beyond belief.

And it's not fair.  As much as I wish I could give everything away and make everything equal, that's not actually possible.  And I can't honestly say that I wish that at all, because I like my life and I like my money and happiness and crap.

This week has just been a steady realization of my own pointlessness as a human being.

Okay...wow.  That sounded way more depressing and angsty than I meant it to...but I'm leaving it there, because that's what it feels like.  It's a gaping hole, an empty pain in my chest.  It's a consistent thing that makes it very hard to feel good about anything.

But I don't think it's the end of the story, either.  I mean, being depressed about how awesome my life is and wallowing in my relative wealth in both wealth and status would only make matters worse.  The problem is, I don't know where to take this revelation.  Sitting with it and rolling it around in my hands over and over again each day is fruitless and demoralizing; it won't get me anywhere.  But I can't see an avenue through which I can satisfy my urge to fix something. 

It's sad.  I approach problems, conversations, friendships, workshops, Bible studies, naptimes, lunch breaks...everything with the intention of fixing whatever is broken.  And here is the brokenness to end all brokenness, and naturally, this is not a problem within my range of fixing.  This is so far beyond me.

And whoever is reading this, saying the whole, "Give it up to God; let Him take care of it, because He can do everything," in their heads, I want you to not speak.  Because that's not an answer, and you know it.  It's a dodge.  If God wanted us to wait around on him to fix everything himself, Martin Luther would have said, "Corrupt church?  Meh." and Jesus would have built houses for a living.  God works through people, not around them.

Basically...I feel like the past 20 years of my life have been a festival of Mary.  I'd like to get past that now, finally.  Start new.

Dear World,


Mary has had her own inflated sense of self and purpose erased from her memory.  Please never mention their relationship to her again.


Thank you,
<3 spadeALLcross

I once was born to bad...

When I become president, my first act will be to rename all the days of the week.

Sunday = Sunday
Monday = @#%$!
Tuesday = TGINM
Wednesday = Almost Almost Friday
Thursday = Almost Friday
Friday = Friday!
Saturday = Saturday

<3 spadeALLcross

Frigid Adventures

So, this weekend, specifically this Sunday, was the coldest one we've had since the spring.  I don't know if you noticed.  And since our house has decided to categorically deny the possibility of winter hitting before November, I had to come up with some other...unorthodox ways to warm up such as

- Taking scaldingly hot showers (I didn't think they felt that way, but the shower nossel told me that the water was as hot as it gets)
- Blow-drying my hair on low so it takes longer
- Making a lot of soup or eggs so that I can stand near the stove
- Burning candles in my room and warming my hands over them like a hobo over a lit garbage can
- Wearing my sweatshirt, sweatpants, and three pairs of socks to bed
- Forgoing orange juice and drinking tea instead

Pray for us, sinners, now and at the hour of our frosbite, amen.


<3 spadeALLcross

But really...what is with all the breastfeeding?

I've seen an increase of bumperstickers, billboards, and television commercials advertising the advantages of breastfeeding and promoting public nursing (an infinite degree of increase, at that, since I now see some where I before saw none).  I personally don't want to watch people nurse their kids in restaurants, but I also realize I can just turn away if it makes me uncomfortable, so I'm generally okay with it, but when did this become such a huge deal?  I just don't understand the sudden urgency.

Also, I think I found out today that most American and Canadian men are circumcised.  When was someone going to mention that to me?

Probably never, and I should probably thank them for that....

One other, less "reproductive and progeny-related organs" thing that I've noticed recently: my desire to be a good friend often hampers my desire to be a good friend.

Let me 'splain.


Sometimes, my friends will be very disappointed by something going on in their life--it will make them sad, angry, frustrated, etc.  They will tell me about it, and I will do my best to comfort them.  Then we will both move on with our lives, and time will pass.  At some later time, I will remember them telling me about the aforementioned disappointing thing, and I will wonder if it has gotten less disappointing, or if they're still struggling with it.  However, most of the time, I decide not to ask them about it, because I'm afraid that, if it is still disappointing or they haven't yet gotten over that initial disappointment, talking to me will make them sadder about it and I will ruin their day, or if they're not still struggling with it, reminding them that they once were and that it once disappointed them so badly that they felt compelled to talk to me about it will also make them sad and ruin their day.

Examples always make things better.

Let's pretend I had a friend named Yvaine.  I love that name, so I wish I did have a friend named Yvaine, but I don't so it's safe to tell a story about her.  She has a boyfriend (to whom, for the sake of fun and adventure, I will arbitrarily give the name Roland) and they have always seemed happy to me, though I subconsciously assume that they have their ups and downs like most relationships.  One day, out of the blue, Yvaine tells me, "Roland almost broke up with me yesterday."  I, surprised both by the out-of-the-blueness of the statement as well as its contents, respond, "Oh?  Why is that?"  Yvaine responds, telling me that they disagreed on a fundamental matter, and Roland would have rather have ended the relationship over it than tried to work it out.

A few days pass. I wonder, "Are Yvaine and Roland on better terms now?  Or are things still rocky?"  But I don't want to ask, both because of the above reasons, but also because, in this case, it might seem like I'm prying if I ask.

Am I just being stupid?  Should I just ask?

<3 spadeALLcross

P.S. Happy Autumn!