Bienvenue!

Bonjour!

Long time no see, eh, comrades?  Sorry about that.  Life got in the way of the internet for a while there.  I'm sure you understand the experience.

Obviously, I've had a very full plate the past couple weeks; I had a term paper due, my boyfriend came to visit me, I had another term paper due, and, most excitingly, Easter Break began!  The English take three weeks off at Christmas and three weeks off at Easter (which explains so much about why students actually went home for the Easter holidays at Hogwarts...) so, starting after classes let out on April 8th, we all got three weeks entirely to ourselves.

Last week, my mom and brother came and we toured Scotland a bit.  I had a blast, and I can't believe how fast the week went.  In summation, the Scottish Highlands are by far the most beautiful and natural place I've ever seen, (all the wonders of the Rockies without the altitude and dry weather) and I definitely want to go back, while Glasgow leaves something to be desired, and Edinburgh is a wallet-sucker, albeit a lovely one.  I loved having people visit me, and it was great to show my family around to all the places I've been before, as well as experiencing new places alongside them.

Mom and Patrick left Sunday morning from Manchester, and I immediately returned to York to pack and prepare for the next leg of my Easter adventure: a ten-day excursion with my friend Lea (from Calvin) to France and Germany, followed by a four-day stint in London with the Calvin group.

We left York this morning at 10:29, and, after a bit of tubing and training and planing, we arrived in Tours, France, at 5:15 (all local times, of course).  We hadn't realized that the airport in Tours was so small that it didn't even have an ATM...but luckily, we managed to get a taxi driver who sympathized with our plight and took us to our Hostel by way of a "commercial center" (mall) with a cash machine inside.  (I'm sure he had a healthy dose of personal gain in this bit of assistance, but without his help, we'd probably still be at that airport, penniless and tired, so I'm going to pretend I don't care that he might  have been stealing money from us).

By the time we had checked into our Hostel and walked back to the mall (the closest edible civilization, as our hostel is in Chambray-les-Tours, a sort of suburb far to the south of Tours) and found cold pasta in a supermarket there.  Yum.

Since then, we've been planning our trip to some Chateau tomorrow and watching French period dramas and dubbed British and American television, including Jurassic Park 2, The Closer, and the BBC Merlin.

As my journal is running low on pages, I might update this blog more often for these next couple of weeks, just so I can get everything down that I want to.

I had so much more to write, but I am les tired.

<3 spadeALLcross

I refuse to stuff stockings.

I am now going to proceed to do none of the things that I promised I would do.
Don't worry; there's still time.

What I want to talk about now is some random Christmas and family stuff.

I love my family.  I love each and every one of the whole lot.  We're spread out around the country, and I love that, because it makes every meet-up a destination-vacation, without even trying.  Getting together to see family is never just an afternoon's worth of an ordeal.  We span days, sometimes weeks, and we always inevitably see too much of each other for our own collective good, but I personally never get sick of anyone.  That's all the old-folks' jobs.

That's another interesting piece of revelation I've recently had about my family.  We're all pretty old, and we've all been old.  Now, I guess I should clarify that when I say, "we" and "old," I mean them in the most general senses: I am not old, nor would I really call most of my family "old," but when we get together, so much of the conversations revolve around "us" being "old" and how none of us can stand it.

My aunts and my mother complain about their faces getting wrinkly, my cousins and I complain about college being harder than high school and how we don't want to become adults.  My uncles and father complain about how they can't hear or see (well, no, they complain that everyone talks so quietly and writes so small) and my sisters complain that their children are growing up.

My question is this: is there ever a moment after our seventh birthdays when we're content to be swept along in the progression of time?  Holding on to our childhoods, fearing the discomforts of what's to come...or, like when we're kids, wishing we were older, with big-kid privileges?

Or, better question: is there a way that a person can just learn to be happy where they are, knowing that they aren't going anywhere faster than sixty-seconds in a minute, and that's how it's always going to be?  I feel like, after the hustle to get to college and the scramble to feel like an adult, I've reached a point where I'm getting sick of looking ahead, and bored of watching my back.  I know there were high times and hard times in the past, and I know there are more of both to come.  I don't think dwelling on either of those eras of my life is very productive for the moment in which I am actually living.

I firmly believe I'm only as old as I want to be.  (Of course, you're going to tell me that that's because I'm 21).  My body may deteriorate slowly, and I may not be able to do the things I used to, and I may not enjoy them.  But every phase of life can be full of excitement and...well, life.  Sometimes, I'll see it immediately, and other times you might have to look around a bit.

Insecurity about your age is one of the worst kinds of insecurity, since it is the hardest to even pretend to control.  When you're insecure about your body weight, you can eat healthier or exercise.  When you're insecure about your singing voice, you can take lessons, or lip sync.  When you're insecure because you're too old or too young, you can't change to improve your confidence--you'll only act more foolish if you try--so you end up worrying about it constantly.  Why not work to let it go?

That turned into a rant.  Scwhoops.

But anyway, back to my family and Christmas.  We're not all together this year, which is upsetting, I think, to everyone.  For some of us, this year has been full of pains and fears, and we wish we could have each other to bring us out of them.  For others of us, it's been a really great year, and we want to get together to celebrate.  But for all of us, our desire to be with family this year is not being wholly fulfilled, as we're all celebrating Christmas in our own abodes around the country.

It almost doesn't feel like Christmas because of that.  I'm scared it will be just like any other day.

But I get to see my brothers, my aunts, my uncle, my mom, my niece, my sisters and their families, my grandmother, and her caretaker.  It will be a full room tomorrow, as we gather around the tree, opening presents.

You know, I hate the commercialization of Christmas, and I refuse to buy meaningless gifts for people just because 'tis the season, but there really is something...strangely magical about sitting together with hoards of family, opening gifts and stockings, and eating eggs and sausage.

I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes.


<3 spadeALLcross

Turkey Day!

If you're reading this blog, I almost guarantee that I am thankful for you today!

Have a great weekend.  Eat until you've eaten so much that you'll never be able to eat again!  Sometime in the next couple days, I'll come around to changing the layout to Christmasy, including the music.  You'll love it, trust me.

Oh man, so excited for the holiday season!  It's the most wonderful time of the year!  


<3 spadeALLcross

At the end of the day you're another day colder.

    So Interim is over tomorrow, and then I have almost a week off.  2009 has started out fabulously, however strangely.  It's hard to wrap my mind around the fact that a month ago today, I was in Colorado probably sleeping, maybe reading Midnight Sun, eating a bagel with cream cheese, and hanging out with my cousins and family.  So many things have changed since then, which is crazy because it has only been four weeks.  The last time I was home, I had no desire to leave and I was a little sulky for a couple days at school because I didn't want to be there.  Now that I'm to go home tomorrow, I'm a little sad about that, not because I don't want to go home, because I am very excited to see my family and wish my brother and aunt a happy birthday, but because there are a lot of things and people here that I don't want to leave.

    It's funny, being tied to two places.  I'm not sure I've ever lived like that before.

    Anyway, I went snowboarding over the weekend, and am now in something of excruciating pain.  But it was quite fun, and by the end of the day, I was even able to stay standing all the way down the slope and get my boot in the binding in under ten minutes.  I'm proud of my improvement, though humbled by my sore muscles.  

    And now I have an essay to write and a couple chapters to read.

<3 spadeALLcross

What is "Auld Lang Syne" anyway?

    Happy New Year!

    To ring in 2009, which I'm sure will be as good as or better than its predecessor, I decided to change the blog around a bit.  I noticed that last month was the only time of the year when "I wish I had a river I could skate away on" really fit as a title.  Plus, it was starting to get annoying, as anytime I'd post, I'd get the song stuck in my head.   But I think I'll keep it on the playlist.  I'm too nostalgic for my own good, I'm sure.

    Wow.  It just hit me.  2008 is gone.  I kind of miss it.

    A lot happened in my life last year. (CAUTION: Long post to follow)  2008 had the last half of my senior year of high school, which marked a lot of change for me as a person.  I got all my college answers--6 acceptances and one wait-list (from University of Richmond?  o.O)--and started doing visits.  I hated those.  

    

    I visted Calvin first, then Hope, both in February.  I remember that because we had to leave to get to Calvin right after school on Valentine's Day and I was a bit upset about that, as it was my first non-single Valentine's Day.  

    Then we went to Lawrence the weekend before spring break, and I wasn't too happy about that timing either, and my host there was terrible.  She was obsessed with Harry Potter, which, by itself, wouldn't be too bad, but she took it too far, and you know when I say that, it's bad.  

    Then we went to visit my aunt in Rhode Island for spring break so that we could get in Boston University, then Boston College, and finally...not Richmond.  We got half-way there when my dad called with the wait-list result, and then went to Gettysburg instead.  That was really fun, actually.  I don't usually like history-buff stuff, but the whole town is really interesting and, dare I say it, cute.

    Then came the one pro/con list to rule them all.  It was very in depth, complete with a point system and several worksheets worth of an Excel spreadsheet.  I remember Lawrence and Iowa State were right out right away because I'm judgmental.  Then slowly, Boston College was ruled out.  Then Hope.  And then I was stuck for weeks between Boston University and Calvin.  I loved Boston when I visited, and when I was done, and I got my acceptance email while in Gettysburg, I was immediately ready to throw away my list and just go.  But, for whatever reason, I didn't want to drop the idea of Calvin.  I couldn't put my finger on it, but whenever I made a decision for Boston, it almost physically hurt to let go of Calvin.  

    I still wonder what I would be like, how different my life would be now if I had chosen Boston over Calvin.  At this point, though, I'm glad I didn't.  I love Calvin, if not for the Christian Reform mayhem, then just because of the people: the professors, the students...I just love it there.  And I really do like learning from a Christian perspective, and being able to discuss my faith openly with almost anyone I come into contact with.  Being able to mention God in my essays on a whim, if I so choose.  Being able to go to church just by walking in the lobby and asking who's going where and if they have extra space in their car.

    I think one of the things that changed my life so much last year was my P.E. class.  You're laughing right now, I'm sure, but I'm serious.  We were called "feelings gym" by the weight-room classes because a big part of the class was us sitting in a circle and discussing our lives.  We went rock climbing too, which was really fun and I can't wait until the climbing wall goes up in our sports center at school, but the biggest thing Outdoor Adventure II taught me was that before I got to know other people seriously, I had to get to know myself.  Luckily, that class also taught me how to do that, which has helped immensely throughout the inevitable changes of last year.

    Another big thing was...well...I feel silly saying it...but a guy.  My short-lived relationship of last year was actually a big turning point in my life.  The more I think about it, the more I'm glad it turned out the way it did, even if it hurt like a certain Unforgivable Curse at the time.  If it hadn't ended as solidly as it did at the seemingly inconvenient time that it did, I could be a completely different person, and I'm not sure I'd like me.  I learned a lot from that guy, as much from his self as from our interactions.  I should find a way to thank him someday.

    I could probably say a lot more, but there are blog posts for the rest of the year, and I have a shower waiting for me in my bathroom right now, so I'm going to leave the rest, perhaps for another time, or perhaps for naught.  I'll let my silence speak as loud as my words.

2008, you were a good friend, and I'm sure I'll never forget you.  (How could I?  I have more than a dozen t-shirts with catchy phrases about Gradu oh eight ing and such...)

Welcome, 2009.  You've got some big shoes to fill.

<3 spadeALLcross

All I want for Christmas is you...

    Peace.

    No really.  I mean it this time.

    People always say that.  "And Miss Georgia, if you could use the crown to bring one new thing to this world, what would it be."  "Wee-ell, Huneh, I'd breeng peace."

    But no.  I mean it.  Peace on Earth.  Peace of mind.  Peace.  

    And The Dark Knight on DVD.

    Okay, so the actual list is a work in progress, but you get the point.  I finally really appreciate the this part of the reason of the season, a trite little phrase that I hate saying, but it felt so relavent just there.

<3 spadeALLcross