This may be a mistake, writing what I'm about to write all over the interwebs, since there are a few people I would rather not happen upon it who might. However, there are a few people I want to have read it, and the other people might forgive me, plus I want to remember it myself and I don't keep any other journal. So...if you end up wondering why I wrote this, here is a summary of my motivations/thought processes.
As the people who know me at all will probably know, I've been in a relationship for eight [plus] months with one of the people listed on this webpage. We're quite content, and there're really no complaints coming at least from me, and I'm pretty sure he's reasonably happy as well.
As the people who have attended college will know, there is generally something called a "freshman frenzy" in the first month of classes where everyone is scrambling to get into a relationship, since there is all this fresh material within range.
As everyone reading this blog will know, I am not a freshman. So no problem, right? I have no need, hormonal, emotional, or physical for a frenzy of any kind, yes?
No. Wrong. This kind of romantic fervor is not only contagious, it's actually a bit desirable. I remember back to that time of my own freshman year: it was exciting to be single and, for once in my life, to not be able to pass off every potential guy as a been-there-done-that event. Not only that, but once my significant other and I did start taking an active interest in each other, practically closing other doors, that relationship was all new and every action had that new-experience-smell.
I can't seem to stop myself from being at least a little jealous of single people. I'm watching as one of my best guy friends is finding happiness in the beautiful green eyes of a Dutch-Canadian history major, and though I certainly don't oppose anything about either of them, it kind of hurts in a way. I can't be a part of that. (I can't decide which hurts more; that there's a part of his life which I'm cut off from, or a part of college life in general that's no longer open to me.)
Now, rationally, I know that none of this has any real bearing on anything. As I said, I've got rhythm, I've got music, and I've got no plan to ditch all of that simply because the unknown is fun.
But emotionally, it's making me anxious. In the lunch line today, I struck up a very random conversation with the guy standing in front of me just to pass the time and be friendly. It couldn't have lasted more than three minutes before we split up to do/eat our own things, and I was under the impression that it was just a conversation. (Maybe if I had known beforehand that he was a freshman, I would have thought differently?) But at the end of it, when we were about to go our separate ways, he asked me for my name. I told him. I asked him his. It was Ben. And that's when a little bug hatched the eggs in my brain that led to this post: had I just accidently flirted with this guy? If so, can I honestly say it was an accident? Can I honestly say I didn't want to? And if I can't, is that really a bad thing? I'm guessing it's not abnormal, but does that make it okay?
And there is more. Because the memory of the confusion this conversation spawned will further complicate my interactions with all people of the opposite sex. I will always be a little more conscious of the fact that this guy, whatever guy it is, may want more from me than I want from him. Or maybe I'll temporarily want exactly the same thing he wants, but I'll worry about whether that's more than I should want.
And this is the thought process that has completely encompassed the past two hours of my life. Thanks, world. You're awesome. I could have been doing something productive.
Meh, whatever. What else is college for?
