So today was a little more productive than yesterday. I finished cleaning my room, played some neopets (oh dear...yes, I know...but it was just the Mah Jong...I promise) and then took my car in for an oil change and tire rotation and all that jazz. Something was cracked and some other thing was wearing down or something, and I maybe should ask more questions and learn something about cars, but I decided to just let them fix it all so that I could feel safe when I drive to Missouri this weekend for my friend's wedding.
Then I came home and studied for my midterm, napped, and studied some more. Then I went and took the midterm, and probably owned it, though I also got massive cramps in my hand. That was a lot of writing; maybe the most hand-writing I've ever done in college. It was pretty intense.
The sad thing is that of all the stuff I studied, none of it I learned from this class that I'm taking. All the stuff I learned was from my religion classes, my Islam class, my high school, junior high, and even elementary school classes, as well as stuff I picked up from the History channel. This professor is...dismal.
After class, I watched How I Met Your Mother on TV with my mom.
Tomorrow, I'm going to watch Annabelle for the day. Should be fun and exhausting simultaneously.
<3 spadeALLcross
13.6.12
12.6.12
Quick! The Internet ate my day!
Yeah, today wasn't as productive a day as it could have been...I have a midterm tomorrow evening, so I had planned to study for the better part of the morning and early afternoon, but...you know how me and studying are. (Hint: not friends.) So I spent the morning writing blog posts for later, changing my desktop background to one with a direwolf on it, changing my chrome theme to one that matched the direwolf, and pretending I had important emails to answer. Then I studied for about two hours. Wuph.
In the afternoon, I took Annabelle to swimming class. We have a little kiddie pool that we put out on the porch on nice days, and Annabelle really loves it, so I figured swim class at Birchwood would be like the pinnacle of existence for her. And she did really like bouncing in the water and immediately after her class was over, she wanted to be the teacher (this is a habit of hers; she's a bit of a control freak for one so young) but she was way more scared of water than I remember being at her age. I guess I probably was, though, because most of the kids in that class were. And when I think about it, it's completely normal. I mean, I'm still scared of water, just more rationally. I have water-in-the-ear problems when I go swimming now, and drowning is one of my biggest fears, and sharks aren't my favorite. How much more would a little kid be scared of water? They have no reason to trust it; they haven't been in water long enough to know that they float, and no matter how much we tell them we're going to hold them up and make sure they don't get stuck underwater, why should they believe us? For all they know, we might not be strong enough to fight the water.
Anyway, Annabelle was not too keen about kicking or scooping or...anything but bouncing and bossing me around, really. I hope she grows out of that. She likely will, I think, it just makes me sad to think that she might not. I loved summers when I was a kid specifically because I could swim in the pool.
So after swim class, we came home and had dinner, and then my mom, Annabelle, and I went to Kohl's to return some of the stuff we got on Sunday and use our Kohl's cash to buy more things! Yay consumerism! Then I cleaned my room and my mom and I watched Much Ado About Nothing.
That was Tuesday. I guess it wasn't as bad as I thought...though I still have a ton of studying to do.
<3 spadeALLcross
In the afternoon, I took Annabelle to swimming class. We have a little kiddie pool that we put out on the porch on nice days, and Annabelle really loves it, so I figured swim class at Birchwood would be like the pinnacle of existence for her. And she did really like bouncing in the water and immediately after her class was over, she wanted to be the teacher (this is a habit of hers; she's a bit of a control freak for one so young) but she was way more scared of water than I remember being at her age. I guess I probably was, though, because most of the kids in that class were. And when I think about it, it's completely normal. I mean, I'm still scared of water, just more rationally. I have water-in-the-ear problems when I go swimming now, and drowning is one of my biggest fears, and sharks aren't my favorite. How much more would a little kid be scared of water? They have no reason to trust it; they haven't been in water long enough to know that they float, and no matter how much we tell them we're going to hold them up and make sure they don't get stuck underwater, why should they believe us? For all they know, we might not be strong enough to fight the water.
Anyway, Annabelle was not too keen about kicking or scooping or...anything but bouncing and bossing me around, really. I hope she grows out of that. She likely will, I think, it just makes me sad to think that she might not. I loved summers when I was a kid specifically because I could swim in the pool.
So after swim class, we came home and had dinner, and then my mom, Annabelle, and I went to Kohl's to return some of the stuff we got on Sunday and use our Kohl's cash to buy more things! Yay consumerism! Then I cleaned my room and my mom and I watched Much Ado About Nothing.
That was Tuesday. I guess it wasn't as bad as I thought...though I still have a ton of studying to do.
<3 spadeALLcross
11.6.12
Case of the Mondays? Not here.
Woof! Today I did things! It was great!
1) Cleaned my room a bit. Not completely finished, but major headway has been made, let me tell you. I hadn't finished cleaning after moving back in for the summer, so...well it's better now. Let's not dwell on the past.
2) Went to the library and picked up a couple new books about Homosexuality and Christianity, and also one by Jim Wallis about "an alternative to the Christian Right." I still have to finish Do Not Ask What Good We Do, so I don't know how quickly I'll get to these. Also, I have a midterm this week. We'll just see.
3) Made Annabelle a time-out glitter timer. I'm going to post pictures and instructions on my other blog, but I've got to get them off my camera, which means getting up to cross the room and...meh. Not right now.
4) Made a thing to hold and display my necklaces and bracelets! Woo! I've been needing one for a while, since I used command hooks back in Grand Rapids. I like this one and may keep it for a while, even when I go back to Michigan. Again, gonna post pictures and how-tos on my other blog eventually.
5) Went to class. Ugh.
6) Watched four episodes of How I Met Your Mother. I have never seen a full episode before; I like it more than I thought I would.
Okay, I've got stuff to do tomorrow. Let's see if it happens.
<3 spadeALLcross
1) Cleaned my room a bit. Not completely finished, but major headway has been made, let me tell you. I hadn't finished cleaning after moving back in for the summer, so...well it's better now. Let's not dwell on the past.
2) Went to the library and picked up a couple new books about Homosexuality and Christianity, and also one by Jim Wallis about "an alternative to the Christian Right." I still have to finish Do Not Ask What Good We Do, so I don't know how quickly I'll get to these. Also, I have a midterm this week. We'll just see.
3) Made Annabelle a time-out glitter timer. I'm going to post pictures and instructions on my other blog, but I've got to get them off my camera, which means getting up to cross the room and...meh. Not right now.
4) Made a thing to hold and display my necklaces and bracelets! Woo! I've been needing one for a while, since I used command hooks back in Grand Rapids. I like this one and may keep it for a while, even when I go back to Michigan. Again, gonna post pictures and how-tos on my other blog eventually.
5) Went to class. Ugh.
6) Watched four episodes of How I Met Your Mother. I have never seen a full episode before; I like it more than I thought I would.
Okay, I've got stuff to do tomorrow. Let's see if it happens.
<3 spadeALLcross
10.6.12
Lazy Sunday, woke up in the...morning...
So, today I did some very interesting things! Hooray for doing something with my life!
- I finished reading Game of Thrones! And later I went out to buy Clash of Kings. I'm going to be writing a review of GoT soon over on my other blog, but I was too busy to do it today.
- I wrote a movie review for my other blog, but I'm not posting it until later; I find that I need some time to sit on my opinions before posting them on the internet.
- I helped make lunch for my family. It was a feast of appetizers: my mom had wrapped some pineapple in slices of prosciutto, and I grilled some shrimp and some steak and some tomatoes. That took up most of the afternoon, between the prep and the actual grilling, but I like to think it was worth it; it was really good food. I am pleasantly surprised that even I can make tasty food when I follow a recipe correctly. I am slowly (and by slowly I mean with the epic charging speed of a glacier) learning how to cook.
- I went to Khol's and bought a dress to wear to the wedding I'm going to this week as well as some jewelry to go with it. It's so nice to have a disposable income again.
- I watched Legend of Korra with Ben via skype.
- I was betrayed by my ally in Diplomacy. He was playing England, so I sent him a message on facebook:
"When you play the Game of Thrones, either you win or you die."
I can only hope he got the joke.
Anyway, very full day. And tomorrow has a lot in store for it, as well.
<3 spadeALLcross
9.6.12
New Stages...
Friends, Family, Blogosphere-comrades, lend me your ears! Or eyes...? I never know how to write that.
Anyway, while I love this blog and fully intend to continue it (as much as I ever continue it...) I have taken up a "projects" blog, where I plan to impart the world with eloquent wisdoms on various topics such as books, movies, DIY projects, and cooking. It's basically an expanded pinterest, only I've done everything I've posted.
the url is
Speaking to that, today I...
So, it was more a recreational day, all-told.
Check out the new blog, tell your friends, and stay tuned here.
<3 spadeALLcross
Anyway, while I love this blog and fully intend to continue it (as much as I ever continue it...) I have taken up a "projects" blog, where I plan to impart the world with eloquent wisdoms on various topics such as books, movies, DIY projects, and cooking. It's basically an expanded pinterest, only I've done everything I've posted.
the url is
2everythingaseason.blogspot.com
I've already posted a couple of things there. I'll try to keep up with this one too, like I did last summer, making note of what I do each day so that I don't start going to bed at 1 pm and waking up at 10 pm, drinking at 7 in the morning, and wearing an astronaut diaper. I tend to lose track of time during the summer.Speaking to that, today I...
- blogged (a lot...not a great way to spend a day...)
- went to see Snow White and the Huntsman (more on that later)
- played Pokéshots with a friend.
So, it was more a recreational day, all-told.
Check out the new blog, tell your friends, and stay tuned here.
<3 spadeALLcross
26.5.12
And I say way-hey-hey it's just an ordinary day...
This is odd what I'm doing right now. It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside.
WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? I want to be reading Brave New World. That's what I'm going to read in my oodles of free time...Other than that, I'm reading Plato's Republic, and "Sir Gawain and the Green Knight." In fact, I'm supposed to be reading that right now, but instead I'm blogging.
WHAT TIME IS IT NOW? 3:56 pm, Eastern Standard Time
WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I don't use one. The one that I don't use that I keep in my desk is covered in a black and white tessellation
FAVOURITE BOARD GAME? I haven't played it in a long time, but The Hobbit, or Clue.
FAVOURITE MAGAZINE? I don't really read those. My Poli-Sci text book looks like a magazine, but I don't read it either.
BABIES? My puppies Star and Fudge. Oh, I miss dem sooo much.
FAVOURITE SMELL? Ha, Head and Shoulders Citrus Blast. That answer might look weird in three years.
WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? That pit of your stomach feeling that hurts a lot and either means longing or regret.
FIRST THING YOU THINK OF IN THE MORNING? Snoooooze, baby.
HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? Usually four or five.
FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? Boy - Liam or Corey or Ewan or Wyatt or Aaron. Girl - I'm still working on it, but perhaps Ainsley.
FAVOURITE COLOUR? More like a color scheme, and that would be anything with blues and greens and blue greens.
WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE? Ideally it is establishing a rhythm and staying true to my goal priorities. However, if I were to speak truthfully, I would say my boyfriend.
FAVOURITE FOOD! It's sad, but Grilled Cheese from Knollcrest Dining hall always makes my day beautiful.
IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Saxophone. Again. In my high school's Wind Symphony. I miss that so much.
DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? Only a little. I'm usually perfectly happy with a mere five over.
SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? If I weren't afraid of throwing it off my bed and suffocating my roommate. That's entirely too possible at this juncture. But it would be my Eeyore or Horsey.
WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? It wasn't mine per se, but it was a Toyota Camry.
WHO IS THE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO? My grandfather, my mom's dad. I don't remember him very well, but I want to get to know him more. Either that or Alexander Stracken from the first grade.
FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Bloody Mary. I obviously don't drink too often.
DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? Yes. Is that avoidable?
IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE? A writer and a mother. Which is incredibly ironic, because I can't imagine myself with children. But not having to go into work would be awesome. Teaching won't be such a bad compromise, I think.
EVER BEEN IN LOVE? I am right now :D
GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? Full, my friend. Always.
FAVOURITE MOVIE? Moulin Rouge, The Dark Knight, The Mission, Stardust, Lord of the Rings, oh my, there are so many.
DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? Dude, my QWERTY wpm is over 120. Eat that.
WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? Genevieve. She's napping.
WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST AMBITION? I don't know about ambition, but I have a dream to teach English in Germany...maybe. If this German Minor thing pans out.
WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS? I have a hard time believing what people say about me, unless of course it's bad. I don't know if that's a self-esteem issue, or a selfish thing...
IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE WHERE WOULD IT BE? Either Ireland or New Zealand. Would I hope to live in that house all the time once I am out of college? Only if it were in Ireland and Ben could come with me. Otherwise it would just be a summer home or something.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? I just got this awesome shirt that says "How to Break Dance" and it's really comfortable and funny. So maybe that. But I also love my Calvin sweats and this black shirt I got at Old Navy.
BEACH, MOUNTAINS OR CITY? Mountains. Or Beach. Or City. Crap. Okay, right now, if I had to pick, I'd pick Beach, even if it had snow on it. But in general, I love them all.
TECHNOLOGY OR ART? Art. Fo shizz.
COMEDY OR HORROR? Depends on the further subcategories. For instance, I'd never pick Dumb and Dumber over Ghost in the Darkness, but Stranger than Fiction is almost always better than 28 Days Later.
FAVOURITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? Probably the shoulders, forearms, and eyes.
FAVOURITE TIME OF DAY? Lunch time on MWF because there's a short little break where I don't have to do homework. There aren't any real obligations for a whole hour. Other than that, probably around 5:00. I just like it.
<3 spadeALLcross
You see, it's really February 16th in 2009. I don't know if I even write in this blog anymore. I mean, in 2012. In May. All I know is that, if my life continues on the path it's on now, I should have just finished my senior year at Calvin College, hopefully with a graduation. But that's up in the air. And, honestly, I don't care too much. If I have to go back for another year, so be it.
The following is a time capsule of my life thus far.
Name: Mary
Nick Names: Mamma Bird, Teragram, Heelz, Marizzle, Roomizzle...
Age: 19 1/6
Current Favorite's Playlist Includes:
Supermassive Black Hole
City of Delusion
The Winner Takes it All
You Know I Will
Ordinary Day
Wolf & Raven
We Don't Need Another Hero
WHAT TIME IS IT NOW? 3:56 pm, Eastern Standard Time
WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I don't use one. The one that I don't use that I keep in my desk is covered in a black and white tessellation
FAVOURITE BOARD GAME? I haven't played it in a long time, but The Hobbit, or Clue.
FAVOURITE MAGAZINE? I don't really read those. My Poli-Sci text book looks like a magazine, but I don't read it either.
BABIES? My puppies Star and Fudge. Oh, I miss dem sooo much.
FAVOURITE SMELL? Ha, Head and Shoulders Citrus Blast. That answer might look weird in three years.
WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? That pit of your stomach feeling that hurts a lot and either means longing or regret.
FIRST THING YOU THINK OF IN THE MORNING? Snoooooze, baby.
HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? Usually four or five.
FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? Boy - Liam or Corey or Ewan or Wyatt or Aaron. Girl - I'm still working on it, but perhaps Ainsley.
FAVOURITE COLOUR? More like a color scheme, and that would be anything with blues and greens and blue greens.
WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE? Ideally it is establishing a rhythm and staying true to my goal priorities. However, if I were to speak truthfully, I would say my boyfriend.
FAVOURITE FOOD! It's sad, but Grilled Cheese from Knollcrest Dining hall always makes my day beautiful.
IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Saxophone. Again. In my high school's Wind Symphony. I miss that so much.
DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? Only a little. I'm usually perfectly happy with a mere five over.
SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? If I weren't afraid of throwing it off my bed and suffocating my roommate. That's entirely too possible at this juncture. But it would be my Eeyore or Horsey.
WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? It wasn't mine per se, but it was a Toyota Camry.
WHO IS THE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO? My grandfather, my mom's dad. I don't remember him very well, but I want to get to know him more. Either that or Alexander Stracken from the first grade.
FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Bloody Mary. I obviously don't drink too often.
DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? Yes. Is that avoidable?
IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE? A writer and a mother. Which is incredibly ironic, because I can't imagine myself with children. But not having to go into work would be awesome. Teaching won't be such a bad compromise, I think.
EVER BEEN IN LOVE? I am right now :D
GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? Full, my friend. Always.
FAVOURITE MOVIE? Moulin Rouge, The Dark Knight, The Mission, Stardust, Lord of the Rings, oh my, there are so many.
DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? Dude, my QWERTY wpm is over 120. Eat that.
WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? Genevieve. She's napping.
WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST AMBITION? I don't know about ambition, but I have a dream to teach English in Germany...maybe. If this German Minor thing pans out.
WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS? I have a hard time believing what people say about me, unless of course it's bad. I don't know if that's a self-esteem issue, or a selfish thing...
IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE WHERE WOULD IT BE? Either Ireland or New Zealand. Would I hope to live in that house all the time once I am out of college? Only if it were in Ireland and Ben could come with me. Otherwise it would just be a summer home or something.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? I just got this awesome shirt that says "How to Break Dance" and it's really comfortable and funny. So maybe that. But I also love my Calvin sweats and this black shirt I got at Old Navy.
BEACH, MOUNTAINS OR CITY? Mountains. Or Beach. Or City. Crap. Okay, right now, if I had to pick, I'd pick Beach, even if it had snow on it. But in general, I love them all.
TECHNOLOGY OR ART? Art. Fo shizz.
COMEDY OR HORROR? Depends on the further subcategories. For instance, I'd never pick Dumb and Dumber over Ghost in the Darkness, but Stranger than Fiction is almost always better than 28 Days Later.
FAVOURITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? Probably the shoulders, forearms, and eyes.
FAVOURITE TIME OF DAY? Lunch time on MWF because there's a short little break where I don't have to do homework. There aren't any real obligations for a whole hour. Other than that, probably around 5:00. I just like it.
THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? Sonata Arctica's "Unia"
WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED? Upper Back. Oh, I could use one of those right now.
WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY? Mind. If I were trying to be strong in body, I'd be quite the failure.
WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? 9:00 during the week. Whenever I decide to on the weekends.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE KITCHEN ITEM? Toaster Oven! I never noticed how much better it is than a toaster until I came to college and had to cook my bagel pizza in the microwave....
WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY? Unhealthily stubborn people.
WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV? SUV. But I don't particularly like either of them. I'd much rather have a cute compact. Yes, that's right, Cute. I'd name him Corey. Unless she were a Prius. Then it's either Silas, Sirius, Beowulf, Chaucer, or Ginny. I know, I know, only one of those is a girl's name...
DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE? Yes I do.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SEASON? Autumn, I'm pretty sure. But I love Spring too.
IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT
BE? The ability to turn invisible whenever I wanted. Or the ability to write real good.
DO YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT? I do. It's "all in" between to spades with crosses in them on the inside of my ankle.
CAN YOU JUGGLE? Only two things.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE DAY? Friday. It's spectacular. No obligation to do homework, and open house hours until 1:00! Yah-heah!
WHICH DO YOU PREFER SUSHI OR HAMBURGER? Sushi, but that doesn't mean much, considering I don't eat red meat.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE SOAP? My Ruby Guava shower gel, but that's not soap.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE MEAL? Grilled Cheese and tomato soup! Hooray!
IF YOU COULD TAKE A VACATION ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD
WHERE WOULD IT BE? Ireland or Scotland. Or Germany would work too, I guess.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED? Upper Back. Oh, I could use one of those right now.
WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY? Mind. If I were trying to be strong in body, I'd be quite the failure.
WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? 9:00 during the week. Whenever I decide to on the weekends.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE KITCHEN ITEM? Toaster Oven! I never noticed how much better it is than a toaster until I came to college and had to cook my bagel pizza in the microwave....
WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY? Unhealthily stubborn people.
WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV? SUV. But I don't particularly like either of them. I'd much rather have a cute compact. Yes, that's right, Cute. I'd name him Corey. Unless she were a Prius. Then it's either Silas, Sirius, Beowulf, Chaucer, or Ginny. I know, I know, only one of those is a girl's name...
DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE? Yes I do.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SEASON? Autumn, I'm pretty sure. But I love Spring too.
IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT
BE? The ability to turn invisible whenever I wanted. Or the ability to write real good.
DO YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT? I do. It's "all in" between to spades with crosses in them on the inside of my ankle.
CAN YOU JUGGLE? Only two things.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE DAY? Friday. It's spectacular. No obligation to do homework, and open house hours until 1:00! Yah-heah!
WHICH DO YOU PREFER SUSHI OR HAMBURGER? Sushi, but that doesn't mean much, considering I don't eat red meat.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE SOAP? My Ruby Guava shower gel, but that's not soap.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE MEAL? Grilled Cheese and tomato soup! Hooray!
IF YOU COULD TAKE A VACATION ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD
WHERE WOULD IT BE? Ireland or Scotland. Or Germany would work too, I guess.
I wonder how much I've changed...
1.3.12
I sure am excellent at pickingthewrongtimetoblog
Okay, so I have to leave to go to lunch in T-8 minutes, but I've been wanting to put some thoughts down here for a while, and I'd rather spend 8 minutes freaking out about my too-slow typing wpm and doing something semi-productive than sitting here watching the guy next to me in the library lab fill out job applications.
[January]
<3 spadeALLcross
[January]
- Three-year anniversaries are evidently the ones where the neurotic girlfriend learns how to stop being neurotic about an anniversary. It was great.
- I can snowboard for a whole day without sucking! I cannot, however, snowboard for a whole day and then do anything the next day without pain. That's my next, perhaps unachievable, goal.
- I could actually be a history teacher and not hate it. Good news.
- "But why thy odour matcheth not thy show,
The solve is this, that thou dost common grow." - Trying to learn how to be a healthy, active person in this world often translates to spending a lot of time around people who hate their bodies. I am fighting an uphill battle with my 30-Day Shred DVD...in all manners of speaking.
 |
| I don't want to see your perfectly toned stomach, Jillian Michaels. Please stop working so hard to show it to me. I see what you're trying to do...but I'd really rather not, thanks. |
- I found sticky notes with cute dogs on them. My life is a brighter place.
- "Up Top!" "Gross me right out." I love my once and future roommates.
- Sheldon really does cure all ills.
- Just finished reading "Children and Peak Oil: An Opportunity in Crisis" by Tranter and Sharpe and it is currently changing the way I think about raising children. I love it and am scared by it at the same time, but it gives me profound hope for both myself and any children I may someday have.
 |
| By segregating our children in to parks and "children only" areas, we are teaching them that they are not apart of the adult community. |
- March just started; don't hate me for not thinking more quickly.
<3 spadeALLcross
17.11.11
10.11.11
29.10.11
20.10.11
The Cliffs of Insanity!
I've reached them, folks. It's almost November, and if you've been paying attention to my facebook, my google+, the sidebar on this blog, or the crazed look on my face, you'll remember that November means NaNoWriMo.
For those [unlikely few] of you who don't know, NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month, which is November. It is also the name of an event put on by the Office of Letters and Light, a Not-for-Profit organization that supports, encourages, defends, and champions reading and writing and literacy programs around the world, in schools, libraries, and homes. I love it, and I love its people (those whom I know) and I love its annual Month of "Literary Abandon."
NaNoWriMo stands for a lot of things that are important to me, as an enthusiast of education and of books, and a firm believer in a person's need to communicate and express themselves. Because of this, I am putting aside my blue-chip safety dance and strapping on the Lonsword of +5 to risktaking.
On the sidebar of this page, you'll see a big green "Donate!" button. The following are the rules for using said button.
Certainly anyone is allowed to donate free of nefarious connotations: just go to the page and donate and I'll be happy, and you'll be happy, and writers around the country and world will be happy, too. Everyone wins.
But if you're of a more competitive spirit, or you don't think I can do what I say I'm going to do, or if you want to keep me honest, then let's set up a little wager, shall we?
There are many benchmarks for NaNoWriMo that we could put some money on. There's the obvious one, 50K by the end of the month. There're also the challenges of getting 1,667 words/day, or 11,669 words/week, or staying above someone else's daily word count, i.e. Chris Baty (the head of NaNoWriMo.org). The wagers set thereon would work as follows:
You bet, say $50, that I don't make the 50K by the end of the month. If I do, then you donate that $50 to NaNoWriMo. If I don't, then I donate it to an organization of your choosing. Any organization: NaNoWriMo, the NRA, Scientology, or even your own checking account.
The same goes for any benchmark. I'm going to ask that there be a $0.50 maximum wager made for every 1,000 words expected for the benchmark, because I'm not made of money, and I'm sure you're not either.
If you accept any of these wagers, or if you want to donate just for the good of the cause, let me know in a comment below, or an email, or a text, or via facebook, or any other of the numerous ways people can reach me these days. I won't necessarily accept all of the wagers, but I may accept some--the more interesting, the better--and I will consider all of them.
Happy Thursday! And Happy National Novel Writing Month!
<3 spadeALLcross
For those [unlikely few] of you who don't know, NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month, which is November. It is also the name of an event put on by the Office of Letters and Light, a Not-for-Profit organization that supports, encourages, defends, and champions reading and writing and literacy programs around the world, in schools, libraries, and homes. I love it, and I love its people (those whom I know) and I love its annual Month of "Literary Abandon."
NaNoWriMo stands for a lot of things that are important to me, as an enthusiast of education and of books, and a firm believer in a person's need to communicate and express themselves. Because of this, I am putting aside my blue-chip safety dance and strapping on the Lonsword of +5 to risktaking.
On the sidebar of this page, you'll see a big green "Donate!" button. The following are the rules for using said button.
Certainly anyone is allowed to donate free of nefarious connotations: just go to the page and donate and I'll be happy, and you'll be happy, and writers around the country and world will be happy, too. Everyone wins.
But if you're of a more competitive spirit, or you don't think I can do what I say I'm going to do, or if you want to keep me honest, then let's set up a little wager, shall we?
There are many benchmarks for NaNoWriMo that we could put some money on. There's the obvious one, 50K by the end of the month. There're also the challenges of getting 1,667 words/day, or 11,669 words/week, or staying above someone else's daily word count, i.e. Chris Baty (the head of NaNoWriMo.org). The wagers set thereon would work as follows:
You bet, say $50, that I don't make the 50K by the end of the month. If I do, then you donate that $50 to NaNoWriMo. If I don't, then I donate it to an organization of your choosing. Any organization: NaNoWriMo, the NRA, Scientology, or even your own checking account.
The same goes for any benchmark. I'm going to ask that there be a $0.50 maximum wager made for every 1,000 words expected for the benchmark, because I'm not made of money, and I'm sure you're not either.
If you accept any of these wagers, or if you want to donate just for the good of the cause, let me know in a comment below, or an email, or a text, or via facebook, or any other of the numerous ways people can reach me these days. I won't necessarily accept all of the wagers, but I may accept some--the more interesting, the better--and I will consider all of them.
Happy Thursday! And Happy National Novel Writing Month!
<3 spadeALLcross
16.10.11
Random things in my life right now...
I spent most of this weekend home alone. My house was quiet, empty, and I was happy with that. I haven't spent much time alone--like where I felt like I was alone all around me, like no matter what I did, no one would get in the way. It's not like the people in my life often get in my way, but it was a novel feeling, and I'm not even sure when the last time I felt like that was. It could have been painful or lonely or any number of other unpleasantnesses, but it was welcome this weekend.
***
In procrastinating writing a couple papers, I came across this thing I wrote in a letter to someone once. It resonated with me and I wanted to share it with you.
I remember when I would have a bad dream at night, I would be too scared to get up and go to my mom, because I’m deathly afraid of the dark. You probably know this… So anyway, I’d yell for her, “Mom! Mommy! Mahhhhhhm!” and I’d hear her hurried footsteps, and I’d just pray over and over again that the monster or burglar or maniac killer wouldn’t jump into my room and close the door before she could get there. I never realized that, if any of those things was lurking outside my room, she would fall prey just as much as I would. I just thought she was too strong for them, that they would be scared of her immense power.
My mom always seemed powerful to me. She was above everything. And she would come in and take me out of my crib and sit with me on the couch that was in my room and we’d point out pictures in the shadows on the wall cast by the streetlight outside my room, or by the cars as they drove by. And when I was older she would come in and sit on my bed, and if I was really frightened, she would hold me as I cried and then sometimes I would ask her to sleep in my bed with me so if I had another bad dream she could be there right away. And I always fell asleep and stayed asleep after that, and then I’d wake up in the morning and she’d be gone.
My mom always seemed powerful to me. She was above everything. And she would come in and take me out of my crib and sit with me on the couch that was in my room and we’d point out pictures in the shadows on the wall cast by the streetlight outside my room, or by the cars as they drove by. And when I was older she would come in and sit on my bed, and if I was really frightened, she would hold me as I cried and then sometimes I would ask her to sleep in my bed with me so if I had another bad dream she could be there right away. And I always fell asleep and stayed asleep after that, and then I’d wake up in the morning and she’d be gone.
***
My sister wrote me on Friday. I haven't written her back yet. But I intend to soon. I like our pen-pal-ship. I'm happy it's still afloat (badumchhh).
On her blog, she wrote this. It resonated with me, too.
I tried to remind myself this morning that God told the world that he was pleased with his son without him even having to do anything. I couldn’t seem to remember that it also applies to me. I don’t have to do anything to earn God’s love. I don’t have to do anything at all to be the apple of his eye.
I am who God has made to me to be. It is not so far away.
***
On Thursday night, Ben and I stayed up late watching Star Trek: Voyager and making granola. I spilled oil on a chair in his dining room and he put more honey in than he wanted to. Now I'm sitting with my bowl of that granola on my lap...and the raisins keep rolling around and look like bugs out of the corner of my eye. But I love the granola and the making-of-it experience anyway.
That's my life right now...this moment anyway.
Hope yours is swell!
<3 spadeALLcross
My sister wrote me on Friday. I haven't written her back yet. But I intend to soon. I like our pen-pal-ship. I'm happy it's still afloat (badumchhh).
On her blog, she wrote this. It resonated with me, too.
I tried to remind myself this morning that God told the world that he was pleased with his son without him even having to do anything. I couldn’t seem to remember that it also applies to me. I don’t have to do anything to earn God’s love. I don’t have to do anything at all to be the apple of his eye.
I am who God has made to me to be. It is not so far away.
***
On Thursday night, Ben and I stayed up late watching Star Trek: Voyager and making granola. I spilled oil on a chair in his dining room and he put more honey in than he wanted to. Now I'm sitting with my bowl of that granola on my lap...and the raisins keep rolling around and look like bugs out of the corner of my eye. But I love the granola and the making-of-it experience anyway.
That's my life right now...this moment anyway.
Hope yours is swell!
<3 spadeALLcross
29.9.11
So...what's next? [Me: Part V]
So now...the exciting part. Where do I go from here? What do all these changes mean to me, and how will they affect me?
Well, my desire to travel has opened up new avenues for me, but because I'm still a little cautious about, in my fervor for adventure, getting in over my head, I'm starting small. I've wanted to visit Asia for years now, and now that I've been to England, which I thought was my first love, I feel like Asia is next. I found a company that works with college students, recent graduates, and other like-minded people to install them as English teachers in China and Mongolia for a one- to two-year periods. They also happen to do a summer camp program in the same countries for a shorter amount of time. I checked my summer school schedule and my other engagements for next summer, and I found out that it wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility to take part in that sort of experience. So...that's on my short-term dream list.
As I've been through the teachers' education program at Calvin, I've learned that I, like many upper-middle class white kids from the suburbs, struggle with stereotypes and prejudices, and I've seen how important it will be for me to break those down if I want to be an effective teacher. So part of my goal in traveling to China is to immerse myself in another culture, to feel stereotyped, to need to defer to other people and lose myself in the attempt to assimilate. I had a taste of that in England, and it was eye opening. I don't think it's healthy to do that, to try to dis-identify with the parts of your life that made you who you are, but I do think it's what many classrooms ask students to do (even students of the racial and ethnic majorities) and I want to better understand the challenges in resisting that so that I can aid my students later on in life.
But I don't want to stop with China. I want to start there because I'm fascinated by Eastern philosophy and cultures, so the actual transitions and logistics of living there may be more enjoyable for me. But I want to then move to places I'm both less comfortable and less experienced. There are other international teaching opportunities in Central America and Africa, and I would love the opportunity to get involved there. I haven't found any available in the Middle East, but there may be other short-term options that I can look into.
Realistically, the timing is not great. I don't actually have all the time in the world; I have a life in the US I'm excited about living, people I don't want to leave behind for so long, and a teaching certificate that will probably not get shinier the longer I'm away from the US school system. So I'm definitely still working out the kinks in my plan. But these are the things I'm excited about.
On a similar note, I don't believe that I can teach to American children without knowing more American children than I already do. I want to get involved in US cultures and societies vastly different from the ones I grew up learning. My school has what they call "living-learning residences" on and off campus. In my freshman and sophomore years, I lived on the Honors floor, which was one of those communities. There are other dorm floors like my old one--the creation care floor which is involved in environmentalism and the grass roots floor which is involved in social justice and racial and ethnic equality--and there are off-campus houses called Project Neighborhood houses, which are rooted in the community around Grand Rapids, especially the urban communities of downtown. Many of the houses pair with churches or schools and the residents are required to get involved in those pairings through volunteer opportunities. They are also "intentional" (a sort of Calvin buzzword) about creating community within each house, with house dinners and communal food...stuff like that. More than simply six college students living in a house together and sometimes going out for pizza. It can be really meaningful if the students want it to be, and that's something I think would benefit from. (If only because I'm a kind of hopeless nerd and I need more social interaction if I ever want to function well in groups of people.)
I love where I'm living now and the people there, but I've been silently frustrated for a while now that my whole community will be changing after this year as so many of my friends graduate and get jobs and maybe even move away, while I'm left here, still in classes. Not all of my friends are going to leave, certainly, but I wouldn't be surprised if the majority of my close friends, including my boyfriend, went off to grad school and I was left to fend for myself. Project neighborhood would keep me involved with people whether I liked it or not, which would be really helpful and maybe even necessary. I don't know yet; I'm still thinking.
Basically, I just wanted to share that I have some new goals for my life, that my newfound desire to travel and my re-found desire for divinity has given me an excitement for worldly adventuring, from teaching overseas, to living in diverse and different communities, to branching out to people I don't know, to being a generally more open and inviting human being. None of these things interested me (practically) in the slightest eight months ago. Some of them haven't interested me for more than a couple days, some for more than a couple hours. I wanted to share this with you because it's all thrilling to me, and I want to explore it. As most of the people who read this blog are people I care about and who care about me, I really want to explore it with you most. Even if you think I'm crazy, even if you're worried that I'm becoming someone you don't want to care about anymore, I want to hear from you if you have something to say.
Stay cool. You're 2Good2Be4Gotten. Don't ever change. And all that stuff.
But really, just live your life. In the best way you can think of. If I were someone who tried to literally bless people, like a CRC minister, that's what I would leave you with.
Tune in next time when I'll talk about...maybe cheese.
<3 spadeALLcross
Well, my desire to travel has opened up new avenues for me, but because I'm still a little cautious about, in my fervor for adventure, getting in over my head, I'm starting small. I've wanted to visit Asia for years now, and now that I've been to England, which I thought was my first love, I feel like Asia is next. I found a company that works with college students, recent graduates, and other like-minded people to install them as English teachers in China and Mongolia for a one- to two-year periods. They also happen to do a summer camp program in the same countries for a shorter amount of time. I checked my summer school schedule and my other engagements for next summer, and I found out that it wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility to take part in that sort of experience. So...that's on my short-term dream list.
As I've been through the teachers' education program at Calvin, I've learned that I, like many upper-middle class white kids from the suburbs, struggle with stereotypes and prejudices, and I've seen how important it will be for me to break those down if I want to be an effective teacher. So part of my goal in traveling to China is to immerse myself in another culture, to feel stereotyped, to need to defer to other people and lose myself in the attempt to assimilate. I had a taste of that in England, and it was eye opening. I don't think it's healthy to do that, to try to dis-identify with the parts of your life that made you who you are, but I do think it's what many classrooms ask students to do (even students of the racial and ethnic majorities) and I want to better understand the challenges in resisting that so that I can aid my students later on in life.
But I don't want to stop with China. I want to start there because I'm fascinated by Eastern philosophy and cultures, so the actual transitions and logistics of living there may be more enjoyable for me. But I want to then move to places I'm both less comfortable and less experienced. There are other international teaching opportunities in Central America and Africa, and I would love the opportunity to get involved there. I haven't found any available in the Middle East, but there may be other short-term options that I can look into.
Realistically, the timing is not great. I don't actually have all the time in the world; I have a life in the US I'm excited about living, people I don't want to leave behind for so long, and a teaching certificate that will probably not get shinier the longer I'm away from the US school system. So I'm definitely still working out the kinks in my plan. But these are the things I'm excited about.
On a similar note, I don't believe that I can teach to American children without knowing more American children than I already do. I want to get involved in US cultures and societies vastly different from the ones I grew up learning. My school has what they call "living-learning residences" on and off campus. In my freshman and sophomore years, I lived on the Honors floor, which was one of those communities. There are other dorm floors like my old one--the creation care floor which is involved in environmentalism and the grass roots floor which is involved in social justice and racial and ethnic equality--and there are off-campus houses called Project Neighborhood houses, which are rooted in the community around Grand Rapids, especially the urban communities of downtown. Many of the houses pair with churches or schools and the residents are required to get involved in those pairings through volunteer opportunities. They are also "intentional" (a sort of Calvin buzzword) about creating community within each house, with house dinners and communal food...stuff like that. More than simply six college students living in a house together and sometimes going out for pizza. It can be really meaningful if the students want it to be, and that's something I think would benefit from. (If only because I'm a kind of hopeless nerd and I need more social interaction if I ever want to function well in groups of people.)
I love where I'm living now and the people there, but I've been silently frustrated for a while now that my whole community will be changing after this year as so many of my friends graduate and get jobs and maybe even move away, while I'm left here, still in classes. Not all of my friends are going to leave, certainly, but I wouldn't be surprised if the majority of my close friends, including my boyfriend, went off to grad school and I was left to fend for myself. Project neighborhood would keep me involved with people whether I liked it or not, which would be really helpful and maybe even necessary. I don't know yet; I'm still thinking.
Basically, I just wanted to share that I have some new goals for my life, that my newfound desire to travel and my re-found desire for divinity has given me an excitement for worldly adventuring, from teaching overseas, to living in diverse and different communities, to branching out to people I don't know, to being a generally more open and inviting human being. None of these things interested me (practically) in the slightest eight months ago. Some of them haven't interested me for more than a couple days, some for more than a couple hours. I wanted to share this with you because it's all thrilling to me, and I want to explore it. As most of the people who read this blog are people I care about and who care about me, I really want to explore it with you most. Even if you think I'm crazy, even if you're worried that I'm becoming someone you don't want to care about anymore, I want to hear from you if you have something to say.
Stay cool. You're 2Good2Be4Gotten. Don't ever change. And all that stuff.
But really, just live your life. In the best way you can think of. If I were someone who tried to literally bless people, like a CRC minister, that's what I would leave you with.
Tune in next time when I'll talk about...maybe cheese.
<3 spadeALLcross
25.9.11
Why am I different? [Me: Part IV]
After all of these changes that have happened to me, where I was more or less a passive attender, at least to most of them, I knew that I had to start taking an active role in my own life. So the next important step along my new path was reflected a little in my post from August, where I talked about addictions. I didn't have a set agenda of "here are the things that I don't like about myself that I think I need to change otherwise my soul is doomed to eternal damnation," but at the same time, I knew that the way I was living my life was not compatible with what God wanted for me, and I wanted to change.
Why? For people who aren't religious or are anti-religious, that's probably a pretty serious question. I know that, for me, the question has cropped up more than once, "If God exists, loves me unconditionally, and made no mistakes when he made me, why would he want me to change who I was for him?" And, similarly, I have been asked the question, "Why would you want to let God control your life with a list of dos and don'ts?" I think I can answer in a way that we can mutually understand, even if we don't agree on the existence or importance of God. Let me know if I'm wrong about that.
I think the answer to the first question is rather simple, but I say that as a Christian, so I may be wrong. Humans essentially are animals with a more complex societal structure. We have physical bodies that have physical and emotional needs, like food, water, sex, relationships, etc, like most animals do, but we also have dynamic cultural groups that help us determine the best and right ways to fill those needs. Our parents, friends, teachers, random crickets and other societal buddies develop our conscience: they teach us, directly and indirectly, what foods are suitable to eat, how much water to use for what tasks, what kind of sex to have and when, what healthy or effective relationships look like, and so on. Sometimes our animal instincts fight against our social structures: my mom tells me to eat my peas because she knows they're good for me, but I don't like peas, so it makes sense that I wouldn't eat them. The USPS is socialized in order to reach more people, but I really just want to send my package quickly so I can go take care of other things. My hormones wouldn't mind me having sex when I'm 13, but my body doesn't realize the harm that could befall it if I made that choice.
Christians believe that it is our complex societal structure was created as "the image of God"; it's the divinity in us, and literally what separates us from the animals. Christians believe that, when functioning at top form, our societal structure should reflect God's perfect design for humanity. So, in those moments when our physical and emotional needs fight against of social upbringing, it's kind of like a battle between our divinity and humanity. What non-Christians call a conscience, Christians call the Holy Spirit. God wanted us to be humans seeking divinity, which is why we were created with flaws that would force us to struggle against ourselves. Everyone has internal struggles, and Christians don't even necessarily have more than non-Christians. They're just sometimes of a different nature.
On to the second question. While we don't want to completely disown our humanity, because it was given to us for a reason, we believe that God has a more holy call for us, one that does not always allow us to indulge in our physical and emotional desires. Our faith tells us that God's plan is better than one we could make for ourselves, and that it will meet our physical and emotional needs, just not necessarily in manners or timeframes we expect. In order to partake in God's perfect plan for our lives, we need the Holy Spirit to be in control of our humanity, so that we'll be in the right place at the right time, so to speak. Christianity is not a list of rules you must follow in order to get into heaven, it's a description of the kind of person whose conscience controls their humanity in such a way that they are a perfect conduit of divinity traveling from God to earth.
Certainly, if you are not a Christian, you don't believe that God is something you want to deliver to the earth, but you have other things, agendas, goals you want to deliver to the world around you, and you probably believe that, in any situation, there are correct and incorrect ways of delivering those agendas. It's the same thing, it's just that my agenda is God's.
In my post from early August, I talked about addictions and how they're present in places other than just illicit substances. Overcoming addictions is one of the big parts of being a Christian: the first commandment is "God is the only God. Worship no other idols." Anything that I could put before God, hold higher on my priorities than following God's plan for me, is a sort of idol. I need to eschew all other idols, because they distract me from my real goal. So, over the summer, that's what I started to do.
That's a whole other post right there, and a bit of it is quite personal, so I'm not going to go into detail. Plus, this post is already dragging on, and I'm quite pleasantly surprised you've willingly come this far. All I really want to say on this point is that I am struggling daily with things I've never bothered to struggle with, simply because the struggle was too hard. The struggle is exciting, though, and I'm really enjoying myself in what I swear is a completely non-masochistic way. I just mean, at this stage in the game, I'm feeling immediate relief, and seeing that change is really energizing. At some point, the immediacy of results will taper off and the excitement will be harder to find, but as this stage strengthens my resolve and my faith, I feel confident that I will be able to stick it through. I'm not alone, after all: I believe in a God who will be with me through everything, who does not put me into situations and leave me there, and who doesn't let me get in over my head.
So this leads me up to this point. In my next post, the probable conclusion to the "About Mary" mini-series I've been constructing, I'll talk about my goals for the future...which are really the only reason I started this whole blog project in the first place...way back in Freshman year.
Goodnight and goodluck.
<3 spadeALLcross
Why? For people who aren't religious or are anti-religious, that's probably a pretty serious question. I know that, for me, the question has cropped up more than once, "If God exists, loves me unconditionally, and made no mistakes when he made me, why would he want me to change who I was for him?" And, similarly, I have been asked the question, "Why would you want to let God control your life with a list of dos and don'ts?" I think I can answer in a way that we can mutually understand, even if we don't agree on the existence or importance of God. Let me know if I'm wrong about that.
I think the answer to the first question is rather simple, but I say that as a Christian, so I may be wrong. Humans essentially are animals with a more complex societal structure. We have physical bodies that have physical and emotional needs, like food, water, sex, relationships, etc, like most animals do, but we also have dynamic cultural groups that help us determine the best and right ways to fill those needs. Our parents, friends, teachers, random crickets and other societal buddies develop our conscience: they teach us, directly and indirectly, what foods are suitable to eat, how much water to use for what tasks, what kind of sex to have and when, what healthy or effective relationships look like, and so on. Sometimes our animal instincts fight against our social structures: my mom tells me to eat my peas because she knows they're good for me, but I don't like peas, so it makes sense that I wouldn't eat them. The USPS is socialized in order to reach more people, but I really just want to send my package quickly so I can go take care of other things. My hormones wouldn't mind me having sex when I'm 13, but my body doesn't realize the harm that could befall it if I made that choice.
Christians believe that it is our complex societal structure was created as "the image of God"; it's the divinity in us, and literally what separates us from the animals. Christians believe that, when functioning at top form, our societal structure should reflect God's perfect design for humanity. So, in those moments when our physical and emotional needs fight against of social upbringing, it's kind of like a battle between our divinity and humanity. What non-Christians call a conscience, Christians call the Holy Spirit. God wanted us to be humans seeking divinity, which is why we were created with flaws that would force us to struggle against ourselves. Everyone has internal struggles, and Christians don't even necessarily have more than non-Christians. They're just sometimes of a different nature.
On to the second question. While we don't want to completely disown our humanity, because it was given to us for a reason, we believe that God has a more holy call for us, one that does not always allow us to indulge in our physical and emotional desires. Our faith tells us that God's plan is better than one we could make for ourselves, and that it will meet our physical and emotional needs, just not necessarily in manners or timeframes we expect. In order to partake in God's perfect plan for our lives, we need the Holy Spirit to be in control of our humanity, so that we'll be in the right place at the right time, so to speak. Christianity is not a list of rules you must follow in order to get into heaven, it's a description of the kind of person whose conscience controls their humanity in such a way that they are a perfect conduit of divinity traveling from God to earth.
Certainly, if you are not a Christian, you don't believe that God is something you want to deliver to the earth, but you have other things, agendas, goals you want to deliver to the world around you, and you probably believe that, in any situation, there are correct and incorrect ways of delivering those agendas. It's the same thing, it's just that my agenda is God's.
In my post from early August, I talked about addictions and how they're present in places other than just illicit substances. Overcoming addictions is one of the big parts of being a Christian: the first commandment is "God is the only God. Worship no other idols." Anything that I could put before God, hold higher on my priorities than following God's plan for me, is a sort of idol. I need to eschew all other idols, because they distract me from my real goal. So, over the summer, that's what I started to do.
That's a whole other post right there, and a bit of it is quite personal, so I'm not going to go into detail. Plus, this post is already dragging on, and I'm quite pleasantly surprised you've willingly come this far. All I really want to say on this point is that I am struggling daily with things I've never bothered to struggle with, simply because the struggle was too hard. The struggle is exciting, though, and I'm really enjoying myself in what I swear is a completely non-masochistic way. I just mean, at this stage in the game, I'm feeling immediate relief, and seeing that change is really energizing. At some point, the immediacy of results will taper off and the excitement will be harder to find, but as this stage strengthens my resolve and my faith, I feel confident that I will be able to stick it through. I'm not alone, after all: I believe in a God who will be with me through everything, who does not put me into situations and leave me there, and who doesn't let me get in over my head.
So this leads me up to this point. In my next post, the probable conclusion to the "About Mary" mini-series I've been constructing, I'll talk about my goals for the future...which are really the only reason I started this whole blog project in the first place...way back in Freshman year.
Goodnight and goodluck.
<3 spadeALLcross
20.9.11
You got a friend in me...
I'll continue with my rant about myself later. Right now I just want to thank you.
If you're reading this blog, you're probably a friend of mine, and, if I am remembering correctly, the majority of you are rather close friends. I have recently come to re-realize that I would be nowhere and miserable without all of you. Thank you for being with me and for me.
<3 spadeALLcross
If you're reading this blog, you're probably a friend of mine, and, if I am remembering correctly, the majority of you are rather close friends. I have recently come to re-realize that I would be nowhere and miserable without all of you. Thank you for being with me and for me.
<3 spadeALLcross
15.9.11
Who do I want to become? [Me: Part III]
Hey again. See, I'm good at this keeping up now. Don't get used to it.
Last post, I talked about how same in myself and lots of dark, depressing feelings forced me to change the way I look at my future. I decided to take "the high road," if you want to be cliché about it. I like to think of it more as the road personally mapped out for me specifically by God, a road that no one else can take.
The first step of that road was to get beyond the shameful experience that had brought me there. Shame, guilt, fear...they're all very useful emotions and shouldn't be discounted or avoided simply because they're unpleasant, but they can cripple us if we let them. So I had to let them go for now. In order to do that, I had to begin again with my timeless mantra of "you're special, you're wonderful, you're perfect," but that wasn't going to work now. I knew that I wasn't perfect, I knew that I had failed. How could I be loved when I was a failure? That's the opposite of what I've believed my whole life.
Almost immediately, I realized that love doesn't work that way. Maybe I knew that before, but it had never meant to me then what it does now. My mother and my brother especially, but others as well, showed me that I was special and perfect and important because I was loved, not the other way around. It was their love that made me who I was.
But that's...not ideal. My mother is an amazing woman and I wouldn't trade my brother for any other brother in the world, but they are just as flawed as I am. There is a chance--slimmest of the slim, and I only believe this as a philosophical theory of general human nature, not of the love of these people--that something could cause them to stop loving me, and then where would I be? Back exactly where I was. I had to find a source of love that was beyond fault, beyond beginnings and endings, that was big enough to cushion me when I failed again, as I would, and strong enough to hold me when no one else would.
And there it was. My new faith.
I've always believed in God's love, and I've always known in my head that I needed it. But kind of like you can't describe to someone what it feels like to attempt to balance yourself on a bicycle, when that someone has never ridden one, I did know know what it felt like to believe I needed God's love. Like I said, up until my realization of my own brokenness, I thought that I was good enough to be loved by God, not that God's love was constantly overcoming my not-good-enoughness.
Again, the transformation sounds like I went from point A to point A, when really it's just...really complicated. I'm sure there's a lot of psychology or religious jargon that I could toss in here to help my explanation make sense, but I don't know the jargon, and I'm just hoping that there are enough people out there who have been where I was that they will just innately understand. If you don't understand, please contact me and I can try again. It's as important to me to learn how to articulate myself in this matter (I am training to be an English Teacher...so...) as it could possibly be for you to understand what I'm saying, so if you're interested enough, please let me know.
Thanks for sticking with me this far. I hope you're getting something out of reading this as much as I am by writing it and processing it. But really, if you have questions, concerns, etc., talk to me about them.
<3 spadeALLcross
Last post, I talked about how same in myself and lots of dark, depressing feelings forced me to change the way I look at my future. I decided to take "the high road," if you want to be cliché about it. I like to think of it more as the road personally mapped out for me specifically by God, a road that no one else can take.
The first step of that road was to get beyond the shameful experience that had brought me there. Shame, guilt, fear...they're all very useful emotions and shouldn't be discounted or avoided simply because they're unpleasant, but they can cripple us if we let them. So I had to let them go for now. In order to do that, I had to begin again with my timeless mantra of "you're special, you're wonderful, you're perfect," but that wasn't going to work now. I knew that I wasn't perfect, I knew that I had failed. How could I be loved when I was a failure? That's the opposite of what I've believed my whole life.
Almost immediately, I realized that love doesn't work that way. Maybe I knew that before, but it had never meant to me then what it does now. My mother and my brother especially, but others as well, showed me that I was special and perfect and important because I was loved, not the other way around. It was their love that made me who I was.
But that's...not ideal. My mother is an amazing woman and I wouldn't trade my brother for any other brother in the world, but they are just as flawed as I am. There is a chance--slimmest of the slim, and I only believe this as a philosophical theory of general human nature, not of the love of these people--that something could cause them to stop loving me, and then where would I be? Back exactly where I was. I had to find a source of love that was beyond fault, beyond beginnings and endings, that was big enough to cushion me when I failed again, as I would, and strong enough to hold me when no one else would.
And there it was. My new faith.
I've always believed in God's love, and I've always known in my head that I needed it. But kind of like you can't describe to someone what it feels like to attempt to balance yourself on a bicycle, when that someone has never ridden one, I did know know what it felt like to believe I needed God's love. Like I said, up until my realization of my own brokenness, I thought that I was good enough to be loved by God, not that God's love was constantly overcoming my not-good-enoughness.
Again, the transformation sounds like I went from point A to point A, when really it's just...really complicated. I'm sure there's a lot of psychology or religious jargon that I could toss in here to help my explanation make sense, but I don't know the jargon, and I'm just hoping that there are enough people out there who have been where I was that they will just innately understand. If you don't understand, please contact me and I can try again. It's as important to me to learn how to articulate myself in this matter (I am training to be an English Teacher...so...) as it could possibly be for you to understand what I'm saying, so if you're interested enough, please let me know.
Thanks for sticking with me this far. I hope you're getting something out of reading this as much as I am by writing it and processing it. But really, if you have questions, concerns, etc., talk to me about them.
<3 spadeALLcross
13.9.11
Who am I? [Me: Part II]
So, last poast, I talked about January through June. This week, I'm going to talk about July through...well...July. It was a very complex month for me, even outside of Harry Potter. And it started out with a bang.
At the end of June, events transpired that threw all of this over-time development, all of my personal growth and goals into sharp relief, and I got my first real dose of self-induced shame. And this is where both disaster struck and the light at the end of the tunnel appeared. Let me 'splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.
All my life, I've been told that I was special, that I was great, that the world could tell me that I was flawed, tell me that I had no merit, but that none of that mattered because I was loved in a way that I should never forget. My mother instilled this belief in me for years, and it was reaffirmed by my Church and my brand of Christianity (which primarily revolved around "God loves me, he's gone to great lengths to show me that, and his love for me is all that matters."). The only thing wrong with this belief was that I thought (completely subconsciously, in unchangeable ways) that I was loved because I was special, because I was great, and that when the world told me I was flawed and had no merit, the world was unquestionably wrong on all counts. That is a very dangerous worldview, and at the end of June, I realized how dangerous it had made me as a person.
I'm not going to tell you, Internet, what happened in June, because it's not important to this conversation. But essentially, I finally did something that, in my mind, was "bad" enough to make me feel ashamed. Really ashamed. Not the shame that I've felt before because someone is telling me I should, like when, in junior high and high school, I felt like I was fat and was ashamed that I wasn't able to lose weight and wear clothes like other girls did. Not the shame I feel when my standards are too high, like when I wanted to take AP physics even though I had no designs for a scientific career or any need to sweat through an entire year of a killer class, and when doing so would hurt me in the other subjects I actually excelled at and wanted to better understand. Not shame that is in anyway connected with an outside source or something beyond my control. Shame that I had done something seriously wrong, and now I had to live with the consequences. Shame that no one I told about my situation would have any reason to feel pity for me; I had brought this upon myself.
Whether what I did was actually as bad as I thought it was at the time, I can't say. Whether the worst punishment I could have reasonably deserved for it was anything life shattering or shame-worthy, I don't know. What's important is what I felt in that moment, because that's what changed everything.
The "you're special, you're great, don't ever change" mantra that had been playing on repeat for my whole life sort of skipped for a moment. Suddenly, I looked at my life, my faith, my relationships, and everything I did and thought and said in a completely new way. And it was not refreshing. What I saw was brokenness, complacency, and a dangerous habit of doing what I want because I want to, and then expecting things to work out in my favor regardless. Most of my life had been shame-free, and it was only this one instance that made me see things this way, but I saw laid out ahead of me two paths branching out from one decision: either I could take my situation seriously and really reflect on what it meant to me and how I wanted to proceed, which would probably involve pain and loneliness and challenges I felt unprepared for, or I could pay the minimum penalty and revert back to comfort and safety where things were exactly where I expected them to be and I could count on my instincts to see me through.
The first path didn't lead out very far. I couldn't see the whole way down. But kind of like a real road on a really foggy night, when you can see the glow of the street lights even though you can't see what they're falling on, I could see the satisfaction in that road. I could see spots of darkness, but I saw a comfort that went beyond the shallowness of my previous comforts. More than just making myself happy and trying to get to oases of pleasure, walking down that first road would create oases where there were none, would find comfort in places I didn't think it existed, and would end with the happiest, most satisfying destination I could have, though I don't yet know what that is.
I could see farther down the second path, but then it too turned foggy, even foggier than the first path. It looked easy and familiar, not much different than the path I was walking down already. But the streetlights were not welcoming. If I had screwed up already, (and such a small screw up had affected me this much), I was bound to do it again, and there was a huge chance that it would be worse in the subsequent times. There was no guaranteed warmth down this road and no assumption of a happy ending. That didn't mean there wasn't one, but just that I wasn't as sure of it.
It sounds cheesy with all the analogies. But I guess describing my self-reflection during this time is like trying to describe a dream. Since dream worlds are not the same as the real world, you have to change some details to make the dream explicable. Since my mind works differently than yours, I have to make analogies to help you understand. It wasn't cheesy at all when I went through it. It was very real and actually very scary. But my decision was easy. Of course I took the first road.
So that where I was in July. Tune in next time for the continuation of my journey, which concludes summer.
<3 spadeALLcross
At the end of June, events transpired that threw all of this over-time development, all of my personal growth and goals into sharp relief, and I got my first real dose of self-induced shame. And this is where both disaster struck and the light at the end of the tunnel appeared. Let me 'splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.
All my life, I've been told that I was special, that I was great, that the world could tell me that I was flawed, tell me that I had no merit, but that none of that mattered because I was loved in a way that I should never forget. My mother instilled this belief in me for years, and it was reaffirmed by my Church and my brand of Christianity (which primarily revolved around "God loves me, he's gone to great lengths to show me that, and his love for me is all that matters."). The only thing wrong with this belief was that I thought (completely subconsciously, in unchangeable ways) that I was loved because I was special, because I was great, and that when the world told me I was flawed and had no merit, the world was unquestionably wrong on all counts. That is a very dangerous worldview, and at the end of June, I realized how dangerous it had made me as a person.
I'm not going to tell you, Internet, what happened in June, because it's not important to this conversation. But essentially, I finally did something that, in my mind, was "bad" enough to make me feel ashamed. Really ashamed. Not the shame that I've felt before because someone is telling me I should, like when, in junior high and high school, I felt like I was fat and was ashamed that I wasn't able to lose weight and wear clothes like other girls did. Not the shame I feel when my standards are too high, like when I wanted to take AP physics even though I had no designs for a scientific career or any need to sweat through an entire year of a killer class, and when doing so would hurt me in the other subjects I actually excelled at and wanted to better understand. Not shame that is in anyway connected with an outside source or something beyond my control. Shame that I had done something seriously wrong, and now I had to live with the consequences. Shame that no one I told about my situation would have any reason to feel pity for me; I had brought this upon myself.
Whether what I did was actually as bad as I thought it was at the time, I can't say. Whether the worst punishment I could have reasonably deserved for it was anything life shattering or shame-worthy, I don't know. What's important is what I felt in that moment, because that's what changed everything.
The "you're special, you're great, don't ever change" mantra that had been playing on repeat for my whole life sort of skipped for a moment. Suddenly, I looked at my life, my faith, my relationships, and everything I did and thought and said in a completely new way. And it was not refreshing. What I saw was brokenness, complacency, and a dangerous habit of doing what I want because I want to, and then expecting things to work out in my favor regardless. Most of my life had been shame-free, and it was only this one instance that made me see things this way, but I saw laid out ahead of me two paths branching out from one decision: either I could take my situation seriously and really reflect on what it meant to me and how I wanted to proceed, which would probably involve pain and loneliness and challenges I felt unprepared for, or I could pay the minimum penalty and revert back to comfort and safety where things were exactly where I expected them to be and I could count on my instincts to see me through.
The first path didn't lead out very far. I couldn't see the whole way down. But kind of like a real road on a really foggy night, when you can see the glow of the street lights even though you can't see what they're falling on, I could see the satisfaction in that road. I could see spots of darkness, but I saw a comfort that went beyond the shallowness of my previous comforts. More than just making myself happy and trying to get to oases of pleasure, walking down that first road would create oases where there were none, would find comfort in places I didn't think it existed, and would end with the happiest, most satisfying destination I could have, though I don't yet know what that is.
I could see farther down the second path, but then it too turned foggy, even foggier than the first path. It looked easy and familiar, not much different than the path I was walking down already. But the streetlights were not welcoming. If I had screwed up already, (and such a small screw up had affected me this much), I was bound to do it again, and there was a huge chance that it would be worse in the subsequent times. There was no guaranteed warmth down this road and no assumption of a happy ending. That didn't mean there wasn't one, but just that I wasn't as sure of it.
It sounds cheesy with all the analogies. But I guess describing my self-reflection during this time is like trying to describe a dream. Since dream worlds are not the same as the real world, you have to change some details to make the dream explicable. Since my mind works differently than yours, I have to make analogies to help you understand. It wasn't cheesy at all when I went through it. It was very real and actually very scary. But my decision was easy. Of course I took the first road.
So that where I was in July. Tune in next time for the continuation of my journey, which concludes summer.
<3 spadeALLcross
8.9.11
Where do I think I'm going? [Me: Part 1]
Yup. As per usual, as most of you expected, it has been a while since I last updated here. That's not for lack of trying, believe me. It's just that, between my list of goals I wanted to complete over the summer, my time spent unavoidably (if not welcomely) separated from my computer, the revision of my personal priorities, and the onset of school this week, every time I had something to blog about, I was convinced that there was some better use of my time elsewhere, and I was not often wrong.
The unfortunate consequence to this is that I now have a lot of stuff to say, while you have not developed some über stamina that would allow you to read it all in one sitting. So consider this the first installment in a long line of get-to-know-Mary posts. Because that's what they'll all have in common: "About Mary."
We'll start with the beginning. These past eight months have been the most renewing months of my life. They have been the most unstable, the most disappointing, the scariest, and the most wonderful time I have ever spent doing anything. Throughout the four months I was in England, I became much more like the person I've always wanted to be; I became more confident in myself, less reliant on the affirmation of others, and more open and willing to try new things and take real risks. I struggled, especially against myself, while I was there--I was homesick very often, out of my element with almost every step I took, and fully aware 98% of the time that I was less than perfect in many significant ways. My semester abroad was not different or special in comparison to anyone else's semester abroad. It changed me, certainly, like any new experience would, and it showed me who I really was, and sometimes that reflection made me cringe. But I think that's what those sorts of programs are designed to do. And if not, they still manage to more often than not, in my experience.
Fourish months removed from that time, I think I can safely say I've finally gotten around to processing it, and I think the most noticeable development it started in me was my newfound desire to travel. I've always wanted to be a "world explorer," meeting new people and traveling to exciting places, just so I could see the world. But now that I've had the smallest taste of that, and I know at least some of the downsides to that kind of an adventure, I feel like when I say, "I want to travel the world," I mean it now. I know what's at stake, where I didn't before, but I also know what glorious things can happen as a result, and that prospect is exciting more to me than the fears are scary.
Then the summer started. There was undeniable culture shock as I moved back to the US, even just from England (which is not all that different), and that experience further opened my eyes, showing me what I felt I needed to change about my lifestyle, that, in some cases, it just wasn't a choice anymore. It's one thing to say something is important to you, it's another thing to realize that you simply cannot live your life without it. My transition back to the states, back to things, relationships, and interests that once felt comfortable to me made me see more clearly which pieces of myself I needed to put the effort into preserving, and which pieces I needed to weed out. The process is ongoing and challenging, but as I said, I simply can't stop. I believe there are certain foundational pieces of my personality and my life that, if I neglected them simply because they were hard, I would be lying to myself about who I was, which would make my life hard to live anyway. It's a lose-lose, in a [pessimistic] sense, but I think the intentional, challenging way is the more sustainable and rewarding way.
So that's where I was around the middle of June. Tune in next time to hear about July.
<3 spadeALLcross
The unfortunate consequence to this is that I now have a lot of stuff to say, while you have not developed some über stamina that would allow you to read it all in one sitting. So consider this the first installment in a long line of get-to-know-Mary posts. Because that's what they'll all have in common: "About Mary."
We'll start with the beginning. These past eight months have been the most renewing months of my life. They have been the most unstable, the most disappointing, the scariest, and the most wonderful time I have ever spent doing anything. Throughout the four months I was in England, I became much more like the person I've always wanted to be; I became more confident in myself, less reliant on the affirmation of others, and more open and willing to try new things and take real risks. I struggled, especially against myself, while I was there--I was homesick very often, out of my element with almost every step I took, and fully aware 98% of the time that I was less than perfect in many significant ways. My semester abroad was not different or special in comparison to anyone else's semester abroad. It changed me, certainly, like any new experience would, and it showed me who I really was, and sometimes that reflection made me cringe. But I think that's what those sorts of programs are designed to do. And if not, they still manage to more often than not, in my experience.
Fourish months removed from that time, I think I can safely say I've finally gotten around to processing it, and I think the most noticeable development it started in me was my newfound desire to travel. I've always wanted to be a "world explorer," meeting new people and traveling to exciting places, just so I could see the world. But now that I've had the smallest taste of that, and I know at least some of the downsides to that kind of an adventure, I feel like when I say, "I want to travel the world," I mean it now. I know what's at stake, where I didn't before, but I also know what glorious things can happen as a result, and that prospect is exciting more to me than the fears are scary.
Then the summer started. There was undeniable culture shock as I moved back to the US, even just from England (which is not all that different), and that experience further opened my eyes, showing me what I felt I needed to change about my lifestyle, that, in some cases, it just wasn't a choice anymore. It's one thing to say something is important to you, it's another thing to realize that you simply cannot live your life without it. My transition back to the states, back to things, relationships, and interests that once felt comfortable to me made me see more clearly which pieces of myself I needed to put the effort into preserving, and which pieces I needed to weed out. The process is ongoing and challenging, but as I said, I simply can't stop. I believe there are certain foundational pieces of my personality and my life that, if I neglected them simply because they were hard, I would be lying to myself about who I was, which would make my life hard to live anyway. It's a lose-lose, in a [pessimistic] sense, but I think the intentional, challenging way is the more sustainable and rewarding way.
So that's where I was around the middle of June. Tune in next time to hear about July.
<3 spadeALLcross
3.8.11
I am not a doctor...and I don't play one on TV
(This post is not written by an expert in anything. These are opinions and theories based on experience, not facts based on evidence. If you have a problem with anything said here, please begin a discussion, as I would rather be convinced that my theories are wrong than have someone think they're wrong and not tell me.)
So, it's 6:21 am CDT, and I am awake. This is an anomaly: do not be fooled into thinking I am a morning person. No, I'm waiting for the registration to open pottermore.com. There's been a window of about a half hour every day since Sunday, and the windows will officially close for a few months after Saturday, so I've dedicated the early mornings of the past couple days to waiting around for my opportunity to register for the site.
Yesterday was the first day I purposefully woke up early. I got to the site, found the clue, realized I didn't have my copy of The Prisoner of Azkaban, where the answer to the clue could be found, so defaulted and used the audiobook, since iTunes just happened to be open. (If I had had to open iTunes, it would have taken about five full minutes, if not more, and I think I would have imploded due to the building pressure.) I solved the clue, got to the website where the quill was supposed to be, and couldn't find it. Registration had closed. So I shrugged wistfully, yawned, and went back to sleep.
On Sunday, registration opened at 3 am in my time zone, on Monday, it opened at 4 am, and on Tuesday it opened at 5 am. So, I set my alarm this morning for a little before six and hopped online to wait around. Well...obviously, since it's 6:27 now, the trend has changed. It irks me a little and I find it unsettling that whoever is in charge of this website is making the fans jump through so many hoops to get to it. If it's just because they want the most dedicated fans to get on the site for this early registration dry run, I can maybe understand that, although I must point out that "Harry Potter Fan" does not directly translate to "Internet-Savvy, Scavenger-Hunt Extraordinaire" and that there are probably people getting on to Pottermore who were more intrigued by the process of getting there than they will be by the website. But if the reason for the manipulations comes from the fact that, Harry Potter being what it is to so many people, this is one fan base who would put up with almost anything, and this sort of registration process is more fun for the people in charge...that's just sick and they should stop. People are staying up egregiously late in some time zones, or waking up entirely too early, skiving off summer school or work...seems wrong to me. Dumbledore wouldn't let this happen.
Anyway, that's not what I wanted to talk about really.
In the excess time that I've been awake when pottermore hasn't been open (it's 6:35 now) I've been browsing the internet. It started on twitter where, since I'm following Pottermorefans, I was already sitting waiting for some news, perhaps on why regsitration wasn't open yet. I perused the past tweets, the @replies, etc, and I noticed a fervent energy present in every bit of the online conversations that revolved around this twitter account. People excited for pottermore opening, people preparing for each clue by quizzing themselves with similar clues they've made up themselves, people speculating about how access to the site is actually going to work, people sharing stories about the ridiculous things they've done for Harry Potter in the past, comparing Houses, etc. To some degree, it reminded me of the sort of energy I always felt at Harry Potter midnight showings, the energy that kept me coming back to the cinema every year, even though I didn't like the movies anymore.
But I started following links, and looking at other Harry Potter fandom things, and I remembered a book I saw for sale called Dear Mr. Potter which is filled with letters from people to Harry Potter and J.K. Rowling, telling them their stories about how Harry Potter made their life better in some way. A lot of them were touching, some were similar to mine, but a few of them sort of scared me in a way, and I stopped wanting to read them.
I've been called a nerd on several occasions, it feels like my mom calls me an "addict" every time I do anything for more than an hour for two days in a row (right now, this includes my obsession with ST:VOY), and I've gotten numerous questioning looks and scoffs, and even the odd demoralizing attack on my sanity from people who think I get "too" into things. Most of the time, these things are fandoms like Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, Twilight, and others. A few people have made fun of my T-shirt collection, but that's rare (because my t-shirt collection is universally awesome). Some people say I'm too Christian, too, but that's a different matter from my perspective, if not from theirs.
Harry Potter is different, because it is the one series I constantly return to. With others, I go through phases: I don't feel the same awe when I watch the Lord of the Rings movies as I did when I was in Junior High, I don't wish Lt. Commander Data were a non-fictional artificial lifeform anymore, and I certainly hate Bella Swan and her entire creepy family. But I've always loved Harry Potter, from the time I read the first book to the moment the credits rolled on the eighth movie, a timeline of almost fifteen years, my love for the series has developed from a phase-based infatuation into a sort of foundational love. Harry Potter is definitely a part of my life, and I'm sure I wouldn't be the same person if I hadn't read it. This is not true of all the other fandoms I've been a part of, including Twilight, Star Trek, Eragon, or The Matrix: take those experiences away, and the change in my character and person would be minimal.
The other fandom that captured my heart so thoroughly was The Lord of the Rings. I was in fifth or sixth grade when the first movie came out, and it took me a year to read the first book, but after that and until I got into high school, I was beyond obsessed. But it was not the same kind of obsession I had with Harry Potter. 2001, the year the movie came out, was a pretty hard year for me. It was a pretty hard year for the country, which certainly contributed to my year sucking. 2002 and 2003 were not much better. For this period of three years, I didn't have very many friends, my family life was more complicated and painful than I was used to, and I was doing terribly in school. The only thing that was going right, I thought, was The Lord of the Rings. Between reading the books, watching the movies, and obsessing over the details of both, I could easily occupy my mind with things other than my own life, and for the most part, that's exactly what I did for three years. I checked out of reality for the better part of Junior High, forgoing relationships with people around me, a better understanding of myself, and a first-hand knowledge of the world because there were things in my life that upset me and The Lord of the Rings allowed me to get away from them.
Sure, I turned out all right in the end, and yes, being a "fan" doesn't necessarily mean you're an escapist, and no, escapism is not always the same as hard drugs: sometimes it's just a coping mechanism, an outlet to plug in and recharge, and none of that scares me or bothers me. But reading some of those letters to Rowling and hearing the way those people were talking about the series as if it "saved" them from their terrible lives because they were able to read it long enough to wait out their problems and not have to deal with them every day...it feels dangerous to me.
Dumbledore himself said, "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." Wishing Hogwarts is real, that you had friends like Hermione or Luna, that you could be a part of something special and important like Dumbledore's Army, that makes sense and I imagine is a natural response to a series that garnered so much love and attention for so long by so many. But I think that believing the books changed your life when all that happened was that you lived them instead of it is just incorrect. If thirteen years of your life you dwelled on Harry Potter, hoping it was real, living as if it was, and skipping out on what was actually happening around you, even if it was too terrible for you to live with, the series did not save you: it allowed you to lose thirteen years of your life that you will never get back.
I'm pretty sure I'm reading more into those letters than is there, since even my bout of living outside reality wasn't that deep or detrimental. But I wanted to voice my opinions about escapism, I guess, because I do think it's dangerous, and I do believe it's similar to, if not the same as an addiction. Some addictions are obviously unhealthy, and the family and friends of the user notice the signs and urge the user to seek help. Some addictions are less noticable, either because they are easily hidden (pornography and x-rated romance novels, anorexia and bulimia, etc) or because they are socially acceptable (caffeine, nicotine, etc). Some are more physically damaging than others (heroine, alcohol, etc) while some are more emotionally or psychologically damaging than others (eating disorders).
But all addictions are the same in that they give the addict a crutch to get through life, and the longer a person uses the crutch, the more the rest of their faculties atrophy due to lack of use or dependence. A person can become addicted to anything if they let that thing control their desires, dictate how they spend their time, or keep them from doing other things they used to enjoy or taking care of their responsibilities. The phrase "The more _____ you own, the more your _____ owns you" is not just a pithy attack on materialism. When someone goes camping and goes through television withdrawal, it's not just a useful metaphor. I'm not a psychologist, but in my personal experience, if there's anything in your life that you do regularly often without thinking, or because you "can't help yourself," or because you think it makes your life easier/simpler/better, you're forming a habit, and habits can easily become addictions.
The Lord of the Rings was my addiction. It didn't kill me, and I don't even necessarily regret it, but I do sometimes wonder what would have been different about my Junior High and high school experience if I had had a more healthy relationship with the books and movies. The difference, from what I can tell, is in the control. If you honestly determine when, where, and how you do something, if you really can stop any time, then you're in control. The moment you start feeling like you have to, like you can't afford not to, like it would be too hard to not do something, things start getting scary.
Aaaand I just went to the pottermore blog and realized that I didn't have to wake up until 22 minutes ago (it's 8:22 now) because they announced that registration would open sometime between 2 pm and 6 pm BST. Ugh. Obviously, I'm an example of an Internet-Idiot Harry Potter fan. But evidently, those in charge of pottermore don't really want me anyway.
I'm going back to bed. I hope I didn't offend anybody, but if I did, please tell me why. I'm just postulating throughout all of this: as I said, I'm not a psychologist and most of my experience with addiction diseases is second-hand, so I am not an expert.
If, though, you think there are things that control you more than you'd like them to, my amateur suggestion would be to tell someone you believe can help you: not necessarily a friend or family member, but someone you think will have the wisdom and guts to help you work through it. A counsellor, a mentor, a religious leader, a teacher...someone who either knows you or would know how to help you with your situation.
<3 spadeALLcross
EDIT: Wow...this post takes quite the journey. Probably reads a little strangely. I should edit it at some point, and I probably will later.
So, it's 6:21 am CDT, and I am awake. This is an anomaly: do not be fooled into thinking I am a morning person. No, I'm waiting for the registration to open pottermore.com. There's been a window of about a half hour every day since Sunday, and the windows will officially close for a few months after Saturday, so I've dedicated the early mornings of the past couple days to waiting around for my opportunity to register for the site.
Yesterday was the first day I purposefully woke up early. I got to the site, found the clue, realized I didn't have my copy of The Prisoner of Azkaban, where the answer to the clue could be found, so defaulted and used the audiobook, since iTunes just happened to be open. (If I had had to open iTunes, it would have taken about five full minutes, if not more, and I think I would have imploded due to the building pressure.) I solved the clue, got to the website where the quill was supposed to be, and couldn't find it. Registration had closed. So I shrugged wistfully, yawned, and went back to sleep.
On Sunday, registration opened at 3 am in my time zone, on Monday, it opened at 4 am, and on Tuesday it opened at 5 am. So, I set my alarm this morning for a little before six and hopped online to wait around. Well...obviously, since it's 6:27 now, the trend has changed. It irks me a little and I find it unsettling that whoever is in charge of this website is making the fans jump through so many hoops to get to it. If it's just because they want the most dedicated fans to get on the site for this early registration dry run, I can maybe understand that, although I must point out that "Harry Potter Fan" does not directly translate to "Internet-Savvy, Scavenger-Hunt Extraordinaire" and that there are probably people getting on to Pottermore who were more intrigued by the process of getting there than they will be by the website. But if the reason for the manipulations comes from the fact that, Harry Potter being what it is to so many people, this is one fan base who would put up with almost anything, and this sort of registration process is more fun for the people in charge...that's just sick and they should stop. People are staying up egregiously late in some time zones, or waking up entirely too early, skiving off summer school or work...seems wrong to me. Dumbledore wouldn't let this happen.
Anyway, that's not what I wanted to talk about really.
In the excess time that I've been awake when pottermore hasn't been open (it's 6:35 now) I've been browsing the internet. It started on twitter where, since I'm following Pottermorefans, I was already sitting waiting for some news, perhaps on why regsitration wasn't open yet. I perused the past tweets, the @replies, etc, and I noticed a fervent energy present in every bit of the online conversations that revolved around this twitter account. People excited for pottermore opening, people preparing for each clue by quizzing themselves with similar clues they've made up themselves, people speculating about how access to the site is actually going to work, people sharing stories about the ridiculous things they've done for Harry Potter in the past, comparing Houses, etc. To some degree, it reminded me of the sort of energy I always felt at Harry Potter midnight showings, the energy that kept me coming back to the cinema every year, even though I didn't like the movies anymore.
But I started following links, and looking at other Harry Potter fandom things, and I remembered a book I saw for sale called Dear Mr. Potter which is filled with letters from people to Harry Potter and J.K. Rowling, telling them their stories about how Harry Potter made their life better in some way. A lot of them were touching, some were similar to mine, but a few of them sort of scared me in a way, and I stopped wanting to read them.
I've been called a nerd on several occasions, it feels like my mom calls me an "addict" every time I do anything for more than an hour for two days in a row (right now, this includes my obsession with ST:VOY), and I've gotten numerous questioning looks and scoffs, and even the odd demoralizing attack on my sanity from people who think I get "too" into things. Most of the time, these things are fandoms like Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, Twilight, and others. A few people have made fun of my T-shirt collection, but that's rare (because my t-shirt collection is universally awesome). Some people say I'm too Christian, too, but that's a different matter from my perspective, if not from theirs.
Harry Potter is different, because it is the one series I constantly return to. With others, I go through phases: I don't feel the same awe when I watch the Lord of the Rings movies as I did when I was in Junior High, I don't wish Lt. Commander Data were a non-fictional artificial lifeform anymore, and I certainly hate Bella Swan and her entire creepy family. But I've always loved Harry Potter, from the time I read the first book to the moment the credits rolled on the eighth movie, a timeline of almost fifteen years, my love for the series has developed from a phase-based infatuation into a sort of foundational love. Harry Potter is definitely a part of my life, and I'm sure I wouldn't be the same person if I hadn't read it. This is not true of all the other fandoms I've been a part of, including Twilight, Star Trek, Eragon, or The Matrix: take those experiences away, and the change in my character and person would be minimal.
The other fandom that captured my heart so thoroughly was The Lord of the Rings. I was in fifth or sixth grade when the first movie came out, and it took me a year to read the first book, but after that and until I got into high school, I was beyond obsessed. But it was not the same kind of obsession I had with Harry Potter. 2001, the year the movie came out, was a pretty hard year for me. It was a pretty hard year for the country, which certainly contributed to my year sucking. 2002 and 2003 were not much better. For this period of three years, I didn't have very many friends, my family life was more complicated and painful than I was used to, and I was doing terribly in school. The only thing that was going right, I thought, was The Lord of the Rings. Between reading the books, watching the movies, and obsessing over the details of both, I could easily occupy my mind with things other than my own life, and for the most part, that's exactly what I did for three years. I checked out of reality for the better part of Junior High, forgoing relationships with people around me, a better understanding of myself, and a first-hand knowledge of the world because there were things in my life that upset me and The Lord of the Rings allowed me to get away from them.
Sure, I turned out all right in the end, and yes, being a "fan" doesn't necessarily mean you're an escapist, and no, escapism is not always the same as hard drugs: sometimes it's just a coping mechanism, an outlet to plug in and recharge, and none of that scares me or bothers me. But reading some of those letters to Rowling and hearing the way those people were talking about the series as if it "saved" them from their terrible lives because they were able to read it long enough to wait out their problems and not have to deal with them every day...it feels dangerous to me.
Dumbledore himself said, "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." Wishing Hogwarts is real, that you had friends like Hermione or Luna, that you could be a part of something special and important like Dumbledore's Army, that makes sense and I imagine is a natural response to a series that garnered so much love and attention for so long by so many. But I think that believing the books changed your life when all that happened was that you lived them instead of it is just incorrect. If thirteen years of your life you dwelled on Harry Potter, hoping it was real, living as if it was, and skipping out on what was actually happening around you, even if it was too terrible for you to live with, the series did not save you: it allowed you to lose thirteen years of your life that you will never get back.
I'm pretty sure I'm reading more into those letters than is there, since even my bout of living outside reality wasn't that deep or detrimental. But I wanted to voice my opinions about escapism, I guess, because I do think it's dangerous, and I do believe it's similar to, if not the same as an addiction. Some addictions are obviously unhealthy, and the family and friends of the user notice the signs and urge the user to seek help. Some addictions are less noticable, either because they are easily hidden (pornography and x-rated romance novels, anorexia and bulimia, etc) or because they are socially acceptable (caffeine, nicotine, etc). Some are more physically damaging than others (heroine, alcohol, etc) while some are more emotionally or psychologically damaging than others (eating disorders).
But all addictions are the same in that they give the addict a crutch to get through life, and the longer a person uses the crutch, the more the rest of their faculties atrophy due to lack of use or dependence. A person can become addicted to anything if they let that thing control their desires, dictate how they spend their time, or keep them from doing other things they used to enjoy or taking care of their responsibilities. The phrase "The more _____ you own, the more your _____ owns you" is not just a pithy attack on materialism. When someone goes camping and goes through television withdrawal, it's not just a useful metaphor. I'm not a psychologist, but in my personal experience, if there's anything in your life that you do regularly often without thinking, or because you "can't help yourself," or because you think it makes your life easier/simpler/better, you're forming a habit, and habits can easily become addictions.
The Lord of the Rings was my addiction. It didn't kill me, and I don't even necessarily regret it, but I do sometimes wonder what would have been different about my Junior High and high school experience if I had had a more healthy relationship with the books and movies. The difference, from what I can tell, is in the control. If you honestly determine when, where, and how you do something, if you really can stop any time, then you're in control. The moment you start feeling like you have to, like you can't afford not to, like it would be too hard to not do something, things start getting scary.
Aaaand I just went to the pottermore blog and realized that I didn't have to wake up until 22 minutes ago (it's 8:22 now) because they announced that registration would open sometime between 2 pm and 6 pm BST. Ugh. Obviously, I'm an example of an Internet-Idiot Harry Potter fan. But evidently, those in charge of pottermore don't really want me anyway.
I'm going back to bed. I hope I didn't offend anybody, but if I did, please tell me why. I'm just postulating throughout all of this: as I said, I'm not a psychologist and most of my experience with addiction diseases is second-hand, so I am not an expert.
If, though, you think there are things that control you more than you'd like them to, my amateur suggestion would be to tell someone you believe can help you: not necessarily a friend or family member, but someone you think will have the wisdom and guts to help you work through it. A counsellor, a mentor, a religious leader, a teacher...someone who either knows you or would know how to help you with your situation.
<3 spadeALLcross
EDIT: Wow...this post takes quite the journey. Probably reads a little strangely. I should edit it at some point, and I probably will later.
26.7.11
The time is coming [the walrus anticipates]...
What? Yes! Please!
So much excitement, I can't even.
<3 spadeALLcross
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